Hi all
Haven’t been on here for months and thought I’d share my thoughts with you. To cut a long story short, I was Dx in April 2005, had mastecomy + lymph clearance, chemo, radio, now on Arimidex. I asked for my prognosis and was given a 56% 10-year survival rate. I have been very happily married for over 30 years with 2 daughters and after being in a supervisory retail role, and a temporary manager, I was off work for over a year and my company cancelled my contract and agreed to retirement on ill=health grounds. My confidence was zero, my concentration worse, and I was diagnosed as having ‘re-active depression’ by my GP and given anti=depressants. Also I had various joint and back pains due to arthritis, I felt at the bottom of a black hole with no ‘light at the end of the tunnel’. I had always pooh-poohed counselling but agreed to go after a suggestion by my BC nurse.
After a few tentative sessions I opened up. I blamed cancer for everything; I can no longer work, I cannot concentrate, my confidence has gone, my hobbies of driving, reading and art seemed a thing of the past, sex-drive was non-existent and I was really at rock bottom. As well as my fears about cancer, my buried memories of paternal sexual abuse came out (I recently had my vague memories of my elder sister’s abuse confirmed by her too - the first time we have spoken about it, in spite of us both realising the other’s pain) and I realised why I have so many hang-ups about sex, it was my father who gave me my first orgasm.
My counsellor was wonderful. She helped me talk about everything and got me to realise that I am not the same person I was before I had breast cancer; to not get hung-up on things I can’t do/change and to focus on things I can do. I still have poor concentration; reading a book is not possible and my husband does nearly all the driving. Sexually things aren’t good but are improving. I took a lot of my potential reading material to the local charity shop (out of sight, out of mind), and started a new ‘journal’ to signify the start of this new chapter in my life. My counsellor gave me the ‘whatever-it-is’ to be comfortable with me, as I am now, not wishing I was whoever I was before. Perhaps I was trying to be someone else before, and the new ‘me’ is the right ‘me’? All I know is that I am starting to be more comfortable with ‘me’.
Last week an aquaintance told me her lump was cancerous, and was upset as she discussed her forthcoming treatment. I found myself being positive when telling her about MY treatment, that the worse part of radiotherapy is the daily trips to the hospital. It dawned on me afterwards that this was probably the first time I had re-acted in this way, I was re-assuring someone else as I had been re-assured by others who had been there when I was diagnosed.
In past few months I have had the birth of a 2nd grandchild and seen my younger daughter get married. I have had a blackbird singing on my roof each evening and morning, goldfinches on my bird-feeders and tadpoles in my pond. I have joined art classes with a friend but the icing on the cake was having a painting accepted for display at a local art gallery. Life is starting again…
I am beginning to see a glimmer of light at the end of my tunnel. Don’t give up, your glimmer will appear soon.
Granmum