Im 41 and mum of 3 delicious kids who drive me crazy and a hubby whos totally amazing and totally useless at same time. Im a tidy and general control freak so no-one can ever do as good a job as me!
My mum died of BC when I was 7 she was 36 and I have lived in fear since I got to my teens of this day…
It came last weds… Its a massive lump in my right boob feels like 5 or more cm and its in my lymph nodes , nurse said only first one so far but they need to do a double mx because of history, ( my Nan also got bc at 40 on my dads side so in both familys young) hurrah!
Ive cried so much that my face has blown up like a balloon… Ive told my kids a bit as they only 4-9-10 but the older boys were like whats going on mum… also dont want the shock for them of no boobs one day to next…
I just keep seeing my funeral and thinking of stuff I have to d before I die, not exciting just get a new dishwasher and matteress… sod jumpimg out of planes im to lazy anyway…
Im making a jjoke but Im so scared I can hardly move with it… everything is tainted by me and this vile thing in me, my kids are so amazing bt they need me , i barely coped without my mum growing up and even now wish I had her.
I cant call B nurse till tues and dr appt nt till friday but havent even got a time for that yet… Im screaming inside and feel alone even though all my family and freinds keep saying im not.
they are not having their boobs cut off and going to lose thier hair! and thats if I’m lucky and i can be treated.
BN says its stage 2 primary and in first lymph node, but after mx they will need MRI to see if in chest wall…
so I have my boobs off and still may die … I cant see it any otherway at mo.
looking for help from you amazing ladies if you can.
I’m 47 and mum to 5 girls. Like you, I am terrified and some days just don’t want to move or do anything. From what I have read in this forum, things do get easier.
I have gone from a diagnosis of possible DCIS to invasive ductal. I had a mx 1 December and so far 2 positive lymph nodes. I’m due to start chemo in January but don’t have my treatment plan yet.
Hi Zena. My situation isn’t the same as yours but I just wanted to say that this early stage is the absolute worst and those dark thoughts keep invading. You’ve hit the NHS at Christmas time but it will be full steam ahead on Tuesday and they are really good at moving quickly so you will hear something soon. You will know a lot more on Friday hopefully. I understand how frightened you must be because of your Mum but treatment has come so far in the last 35 years. Keep posting here, we get the bits your family and friends can’t x
Hi, Zena. Just wanted to say hi. I’ve been stuck in the system too, though I got my treatment plan just before Christmas. Chemo starts tomorrow, I’m HER positive so I get that before surgery.
As Strudel said it’s probably going to move fast now. I’ve found these forums very good, though it’s worth remembering very few people have exactly the same diagnosis. So many different types of BC, plus hormone stays, stage etc. There are some good booklets here that you can download as PDFs. They give some of the facts which can help keep the panic under control. It’s also worth hanging on to the huge increases in survival rates that have happened since your mum died. It means that history doesn’t have to repeat itself.
Take care, and don’t feel bad about stressing, This is a place you can find real understanding of what you’re going through.
Mastectomy was fine. Numb more than painful and I was just glad to get rid of that boob. My consultant seems to be positive and treatments have advanced so much recently. There’s another thread ‘how’s everyone doing’ which is quite upbeat. I’ve just joined and there are some lovely ladies on there and lots of support xxx
Thank you for your words, they are good to hear and its so terrible we are all going through this , but good to know Im not alone…
I will check out that info thank you … Ive been trying to stay off google and stick to thses sites but did look at pics of ladies flat friends … after inicial horror of myself like that I saw such beauty in them and it gave me strength that they were proud of what they had accieved.
On the day to day life note: I cant see anyone yet Im still in shock and cant bare the crying and stuff , when do we go back to normal? stupid question I guess, because i feel like Il always be from now on -the one who has B C and no boobs. God Im so scared of change ive realised too, I liked my lfe before weds and now its going to be something else.
shall I get anti depressants ? and or sleeping tablets ? feel like I need both at the mo.
hi Zena,
Sorry you find yourself here but there’s loads of support whenever you need it. This stage is always the pits, but it does get better when the treatment plan is in place - which it soon will be.
Do avoid google, it only feeds anxiety as a lot of stuff on there is out of date & would not apply to you. Use this site or macmillan for information & chat on here whenever you need to.
hugs
ann x
My boob was painful too after biopsy and my shoulder. I couldn’t bear to look at it so kept covered up. Oddly, I looked in the mirror on my first trip to the bathroom post mx and was comfortable with how it looked. I would rather have two healthy boobs but I was just glad to get that disease gone.
I had a lot of those similar feelings. Sex is sometimes a bit on the back burner but not off the cards completely. My OH has been wonderful and completely unphased by my change in appearance. My other boob is lonely though and gets no attention! It’s like it doesn’t exist any more. I guess thoughts and feelings change with time and we are just at the beginning of our journey.
hi Zena,
It is most likely the bruising from the biopsy, nothing more & it would be highly unlikely for a lump to grow that fast, there is most likely an explanation for what you’ve read, so try not to dwell on it.
Anxiety is horrible at this stage & the mind does go into overdrive, imagining all sorts of things, we’ve all been there! I found it helped to try not to think beyond the next appointment & to ‘cross bridges’ when I came to them
ann x
Zena, I referred to my boob as a bag of marbles post biopsy because it was so full of lumps and bumps caused by haematoma. I looked quite bruised too and was worried about people bumping into me whilst I was out.
Hi Zena and welcome - I think you might be talking about my lump ? Haha … (I remember writing a post about 2cm) now to put your mind at rest, I have a grade 2 lobular cancer and when it was measured on ultrasound, they thought it was 2 cm but then because it was a lobular cancer they sent me for an MRI scan - standard procedure for lobular … when the results came back it was 4cm … the lump hadn’t grown … lobular is just sometimes more difficult to see, hence the MRI … so please don’t think your lump is growing like some sort of out of control alien in there because it won’t be ? … I understand all your fears and anxieties as I have been overwhelmed by the emotions I have had … I had a mastectomy 10 days ago and I’m doing just fine … it’s the waiting for any results that I think we all struggle with … the ladies on these threads are amazing and we have a lot of fun but in between there will be somebody that crashes and that’s ok too … we all rally round for each other … Sarah xxxx
Hi Zena … I’m happy it was my lump you were referring to and hopefully I’ve managed to put your mind at rest … I think what has helped me with the mastectomy and confidence thing is that on my op day when it came time to go home, my hubby helped me to get dressed so saw everything before I did … he wasn’t phased at all … since then, he has checked the dressings etc cos I can’t see them properly unless I go to a mirror … I’m now waiting for my results day which is next Tuesday so another anxious wait …
you stick with us and be honest in how you are feeling … it doesn’t matter if the rest of us are appearing upbeat, everybody will come to your rescue if you dip … ive had a few meltdowns myself and I’ve come on here and let it out … the ladies are great xxxx
Zena, it sounds like we all have our own private counsellor to help us through! It’s so good to be on here and get support. A friend recommended it to me and I was a bit apprehensive. I just hovered for a while and didn’t dare join in. It does help to share things though. I totally get what you say about people telling you to be positive. They just don’t get it do they?
Zena reading your posts you would have thought you’d written mine for me - exactly the same thoughts and feelings and words I have!!! Even down to buying new pre op pjs; being told just before Xmas (thanks Santa!); non BC pals telling you to fight it and “my auntie/sister/neighbour/friends friend had it” blah blah blah - it’s different on THIS forum because people have and are going through it rather than some others looking in from the outside bombarding you with all their brilliant ‘google’ knowledge - no disrespect to family and friends at all but it does get on your nerves after a while (the texts!) and some don’t help at all! (like my mother in law telling me on a daily basis she is praying for a miracle ?). I’m so glad I joined, it’s amazing reading all the genuine positive tactful posts from all the lovely people.
Completely agree about this place providing space for the down times. I decided to FB check in at the hospital today as a way of telling people I don’t know well enough to speak so. 80% of the replies are about how strong I am, which does miss the point.
Best comment was from my sister-in -law who sent an email two weeks after I told the family.
Dear Ali
Sorry to hear about your health issues. I’m sure you’re in good hands.
Thank you for my Christmas presents, always so lovely and luxurious.
Hi Zena, I’m ok but a bit wobbly. Stayed in bed this morning and my youngest two came in for a snuggle. I’m getting results of bone scan and CT on Weds and am terrified. Trying to keep it together for everyone. School starts Weds too. I have only told the head teacher and a good friend at school. I don’t want to tell people really but I live in a small village so it’s likely to get around. I might be better coming clean.
Well yep I got pjs half price from Debenhams sale - my mum bought me some for Xmas but the top was so tight across my boobs it would be still tight without boobs! Mmmm maybe she was taking that into consideration unless she thinks I’m slimmer than I actually am plus the trousers stop at my shin bone ? Didn’t have the heart to tell her - maybe I’ll have to somehow lay them over me if she visits me in hospital ?
Zena I’m smiling at the herbal comments! I need neighbours like yours ? I’ve read a few things about herbal supplements but not sure how evidence based they are. My mum keeps buying me Manuka honey…it’s extortionately expensive! Also selenium is supposed to be good but I don’t know really. It would be good to be able to do something to help the medical side of treatment and gain a bit of control.