4 year Cancerversary

Public Archive
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Today’s 4 years since diagnosis. Despite the usual aches (as much flexibility in my legs as Spotty Dog) and pains (Costochondritis back again?) there’s nothing really wrong. Yet today I feel absolutely tearful and miserable. Perhaps because the Holy Grail of 5 years is in sight but still elusive? Perhaps because I was 50 on the 14th and thought I wouldn’t get there at Diagnosis? (Why should that make me miserable?!) I don’t know what’s going on in my stupid wooly head anymore and need you girls to help me out.

Susan

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We all have down days - congratulations on reaching your 4th Anniversary and on your 50th xx

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I’m 4 years on October 5th and I haven’t really thought too much about it this year, although I have thought about the 5 year mark next year. 2011 will be a momentous year as I celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary in March, my 50th birthday in May and of course the 5 year mark in the October. I have got everything crossed, just hope everything with the number 5 in it is a lucky number for me. I married the year I was 25 and graduated the year I turned 35 - the one that bucked the trend was 45 because that was when I was diagnosed. Coupled with all this I’m taking on all sorts of new work in our business and am attending free courses galore at the moment. I’ve also just finished the copywriting qualification that’s taken me 2 years as well. The level of support from my OH is great as it boosts my confidence. I’m sure I’d be very depressed otherwise as I haven’t had the same level of support from family - my relationship with my sister broke down through all this as she lives abroad and is in denial. When she comes over she either doesn’t visit or spends a couple of hours and doesn’t ask if I am well. She prefers gadding about with friends.

I just find as long as I divert myself from dwelling on things too much I’m fine. I’ll probably start thinking about things once the letter for this year’s mammo and check up arrives, also once BC month kicks off as you can’t get away from it. On the first and second year anniversaries I made sure I was away, but last year I didn’t feel the need to do that. It was a great relief to realise I had managed to move on a bit last year.

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Hi Susan
Sorry to hear you are having a down time at the moment. I don’t think you sound stupid or woolly. I think the anniversaries can be quite odd and raise a lot of emotions.

I know I’ve felt quite apprehensive about them beforehand, without consciously thinking about the dates. I’m also quite aware that although I don’t mention them much, those close to me can struggle too-which I find hard. Next year is my my 40th birthday and I know I will have some very mixed emotions- I think like you say, that feeling of desperately wanting to reach certain ‘milestones’- like big birthdays- and remembering all those fears of not reaching them at dx can be a lot to handle. It sounds really normal that you might feel that way at the moment, don’t feel bad about it on top of feeling sad- I hope it clears soon . All the very best
C x

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Hi Susan

I’ve not reached any of the milestones yet, but wanted to say hi and wish you happy birthday and send you a hug

Lots of love

Jaynexxxx

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Thank you!!! I was diagnosed four years ago in July. Had my 60th birthday in hospital August 2006. Felt brilliant for the first three years. Back to work full time in 2007 for nearly two years. (Even before I was diagnosed I did not intend retire at 60).

I cut down to three days in 2009, which I love, gives me time to myself, but keeps me going, best thing I ever did for myself!
I work admin in a high school office, love my job.
I have the usual as you say, aches and pains.

Last year felt great, went to New York (a lifelong ambition) for four days. Visited family in Toronto, and went to Dublin to trace family trees.
So, why this year do I feel miserable?

I went for my usual check up. I had a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction. I complained of a strange feeling in my arm and shoulder and was sent for a CT scan. This showed a small lesion in the apex of my right lung and in my spleen.

I was told a follow up CT scan in six months which I had. Still no change. The doctor I saw (lovely person and so caring and informative) said she would send me for a PET scan just to be sure. That was in July. I am still waiting (it is not something they do as routine).

The professor I am under did not see any need for the PET scan. The lesions I have could have been there before the diagnosis and just be part of me.

The result is, I keep worrying, cannot get travel insurance for breast cancer as they consider me under investigation. I have felt since July my head has been all over the place! I feel as if I have been waiting since the beginning of the year for someone to tell me I am okay.

My Holy Grail is July next year. I feel as if I have a stupid woolly head as well, so you are not alone.

I was really delighted to read your post, as I used to post quite a lot, I have not done this year and your post helped me to put what I was feeling down on paper. No one, even family understand how you feel, and believe me they are really, really supportive and always have been.

Thank you so much or your post. I just thought that four years on I should be getting on better than I am, just feel as if the last year has been a kind of negative feeling year. I am anything but a negative person, actually, if anyone else says I am an inspiration I will literally murder him or her! Maybe a trial for murder would make me feel quite positive!!

Love and take care
Thistle