8 years and stuck....

This is my first time ever posting.  I’m not sure if this is going to help but nothing else has. 8 years ago I was diagnosed with stage 2 HR positive breast cancer. I went through all the treatments, chemotherapy, radiation, double mastectomy and the other surgeries trying to get back to normal  I beat the cancer but I can’t say I made it. It seems as more time passes the fear doesn’t get weaker it gets stronger.  When I have  checkups the fear and anxiety brings me tears. Every time I find a new lump or the doc see a shadow it brings me back to January 13th 2013. I feel like I have to start all over again. 

When I was first diagnosed I was determined that it was not going to change my life, it was not going to control me I continued to work I continue to try to do everything that I needed to do. There were days it was hard but I pushed myself and there were days it made me sick because I pushed myself. The day of my surgery to finally remove it I thought I would be over but as I started to recover the fear set in what if it comes back!  I don’t trust my body,I hate my body for letting me down and I don’t know how to get out of this.

And then we start the Reconstruction surgeries. 3 surgeries and it failed. After the third surgery I found out that the implants were the ones that cause cancer I was having pain my breasts, they had gotten hard and  my skin was turning purple. I had to insist that they be removed. And now I get to experience losing my breasts a second time. But this time it was worse I cried for a week before they took him out, I don’t remember crying the first time. There was a lot of tissue damage from we implants so they had to take more skin. I decided not to have any more reconstruction,  I was done. I wasn’t going to pull anymore of my body fat or my muscles from my back to try to get breasts.

I’ve seen a counselor and it didn’t seem to do any good. The only thing that came out of it is that I’m angry at myself for getting sick. As time passes I get more scared and more angry and I can’t let it go.

I don’t know this babbling did any good,  as I wipe away the tears, I just want to be normal.

Hi Charliegirl

You ARE normal. You are one of millions who have been through breast cancer but you are still normal -just not exactly as you were before breast cancer. You sound like a positive person. Working during chemo is awe-inspiring. I only knew I was alive because I could stagger to the loo several times a day! I felt and behaved like a zombie (not of the Walking Dead kind)

I recently was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer, triple negative. I had two tumours and never even knew one was TN. I have felt very little. No tears, nothing except what’s the point in worrying about something I can do nothing to stop. Either treatment works or it doesn’t and I’ll. worry when I have to (hopefully not soon). But I am beginning to recognise that I feel incredibly angry at my body letting me down again. Someone told me when I was diagnosed with primary breast anger that her mother-in-law had had it three times. It was well intentioned but I was like wtf? I only plan on having it once. It wasn’t to be.

You’ve had an incredible traumatising time too with the reconstruction and I’m so sorry it didn’t work. Personally I’m ok with being monoboobed apart from the way it affects my choice of clothes (my passion). I would like to have the other breast removed and just be flat but now I wonder if there’s any point. But your sense of who you are as woman has been swept away. There are so many things to feel angry about. And they are probably all justified so don’t feel bad about it, except it’s not getting you anywhere is it?

In the world of secondary bc, you have scans every three months. You also see a consultant every three weeks. There aren’t many who don’t experience what they call scanxiety. It’s normal for us because we all know things could go downhill very fast at any time. But what’s the point of wasting all those days in fear when it’s not going to change the outcome? Same with your annual checks. There’s always the possibility of it coming back but what are the odds? Have you asked? I didn’t. I didn’t want to know. It made no difference.

It feels to me that you have got into the habit of this (like me and my phobia) and it’s always going to be there so you must learn to live with it but channel it in healthier ways. It’s just a tragic waste of energy to carry on this way. I’ve never resolved my phobia so it would be hypocritical of me to tell you you need to change your feelings when you can’t. But maybe you can think more about what you might change so you can feel happier. After all, you survived breast cancer,

Going back to the normal, there’s an excellent article written by someone at the hospital where i am treated. One of the nurses posted it a couple of years back and I’ve read it repeatedly. Maybe there is something in here that may help? In any case, I wish you all the best,

Jan x



Your post really struck a chord with me!  I have had very little happen to me compared to you.  In March this year I went for my routine mammogram and they spotted a lump.  I had a whirlwind of lumpectomy and lymph removal then radiotherapy and now 5 years of tamoxifen.  For ages I’ve been angry with my body for letting me down especially as I looked after myself pretty well I thought. Anyway the other day I was in my yoga class and the teacher told us to wrap our arms around our bodies and think of something or someone to thank. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t thanked my body for keeping me alive and I shouldn’t be angry with it as it worked really hard for me. Anyway the tears started then and I was a blubbering mess for the rest of the class. It was sort of an epiphany for me and what I think I’m trying to say is don’t be so hard on your body.  You are still here 8 years later! Give yourself a break . I pray to be 8 years on from this year.  My 1st granddaughter was born two days after I finished radiotherapy.  She was late and I think she waited for me to be done :heart: