Rarely post on this thread (though fairly verbose everywhere else!) - but had to share this with you.
My OH & eldest daughter (21), whilst both very supportive and helpful, are not conversationalists - at least not where my cancer is concerned.
Whilst I am usually quite upbeat and confident that I am going to beat this, I am equally aware that I don’t have the best prognosis in the world and therefore sometimes do hit a ‘downer’
Neither of them will discuss it in great detail, and particularly not during my ‘down’ times when I am considering all the ‘what if’s’ and being particularly morbid etc.
It gets me extremely frustrated, and i have told them as much, trying to explain that it gives me no emotional outlet when I have no-one to talk to.
Well yesterday I was driving my soon to be 10 year old back from the dentist . She was in the front passenger seat, pretending to drive (turning an imaginary steering wheel) - and telling me how easy it was. I said something like 'well we’ll see how easy you think it is in 7 years time when you have to pass your test.
She said how quickly 7 years would pass - at which I exclaimed ‘Oh Goodness - I’ll be 54 then!’
She looked at me for a minute - then said ’ Well maybe you will, maybe you won’t’. When I asked her what she meant she said ’ Well I hope you will be 54, but …you know…well…let’s face it, you might not get to 54!
Maybe I should have been horrified…but we both burst into fits of giggles. I do sincerely hope I’m still around then, but it was so refreshing to actually hear someone else voice my own fears - and in such a matter of fact way (as only 9 year olds can do!
I believe with a passion that being able to talk in an ‘ordinary’ way about the scary side of breast cancer…like hey yes some of us die of it…is actually liberating and helpful. If we don’t talk about those possibilities, particularly those of us with poor prognoses then I think we contribute to the unhealthy taboo which surrounds death and dying in contemporary western society.
Good on your 9 year old…and I hope you have many more times of joy and laughter and conversation with her. I do hope your partner and elder daughter are able to learn sometrhing from your wise nine year old too.
I have spoken to my OH and elder daughter about the 9 year old’s comments.
OH is trying really hard (I have spoken to him before about the lack of conversation) - I think he is still getting his head round it all.
The elder daughter got quite upset and told me that she is aware that she doesn’t give me any emotional support (though tons of practial help it has to be said). She is finding it really difficult and refuses to accept that the outcome to all of this may not be a good one. Her father died from lung cancer when she was 9 (unfortunately same age as youngest now!) - and she just can’t accept the fact that she may end up with no biological parents at all - so is currently sticking her head well and truly in the sand! Fortunately (for her I think) she doesn’t live at home any more so doesn’t have to see me ranting and raving on the bad days - because I really don’t think she is even aware of how much it affects it me (and the rest of family).
I’m just going to keep talking to the 9 year old I think lol !
Oh Margaret…kids are so innocent! My 8 yr old son said after my recent secondary diagnosis…‘Now, i want you to answer honestly…no well maybe if or we do not know…are you going to die?’
Oh God! so I honestly replied that I probably would die from this disease but we HONESTLY do not know when. was a real lump in throat moment.
However, you are right, you do need an outlet. My OH is very good and started a Telegraph Blog which is visited by all our friends and also complete strangers!!! But talking about what happens …if…is hard.
We have asked everyone to answer any questions from our son honestly and not to hide anything from him…I am sure in the long run he will appreciate this.