Good morning
I don’t know if I’m writing this down just to gain some personal perspective or whether I expect anyone to have any answers ? Diagnosed at the end of April with grade 2ILC (HERS2 neg) I had a Lumpectomy recently completed radiotherapy treatment and started taking Tamoxifen mid July. The treatment has exacerbated an existing Cervical discs injury for which I’m managing with analgesia and physio exercises but otherwise all is good I should feel ‘good to go,’ ‘Put it behind me and get on with living,’ ‘get back to normal.’ Only I really don’t feel ‘good to go’ my head is all over the place and as for ‘normal’ I haven’t a clue what normal is now !?!?
I have a head full of questions, worries, of lists of things that I should or need to do and quite honestly it’s just exhausting. I don’t know quite where to start, it’s easier to try and block it all out, only I can’t. It just whirls about inside my head space.
I feel guilty that I’ve caused my family and friends so much concern and worry I feel guilty that I’ve been off work for so long. I look okay the scars are neat, heeling well, the blue tinge has faded but remains but am used to it now, from the outside I look okay. I don’t worry so much about hair and make up around the house now, but try to make some effort when I have to go out. People comment on how well I look even for the extra little extra weight I’m carrying at the moment and my partner reassures me that I look beautiful, that I’m beautiful inside and out. I smile I should feel flattered but that isn’t how I feel at all.
I know I need to be back to work, I love my job. The thought if it makes me anxious, I really don’t know whether I want to go back to juggling full time work with everything else including being a carer to elderly relatives and a single mum. I feel tired now, how will I cope? I don’t know if I can afford part time and I dread disappointing or letting people down. I need to think moving forward, I need to make a decision but it’s easy said and at this point I just don’t know. So it’s easier not to
As suddenly as the diagnosis and treatment began it is all over and ‘life’ is handed back to me. However I have let others guide me through the journey to this point and the realisation that I must now take control seems so overwhelming. I have a jumble of thoughts and ideas, how would I like my ‘life’ to be going forward after all it’s my chance to take stock and review, and yet I have no idea where to start. I have become less decisive less trusting of my body and of
own conviction so feel less confident to contemplate life changes it, so it’s likely that I shall just slip back into a routine rather than make any meaningful changes.
- I realise that this is me trying to gain perspective and if it resonates with anyone else it’s good to know I’m not alone in my thoughts and ramblings
- Best Wishes P