I am new here and I need one question answered but before I ask let me introduce myself.
I am Geof and I am married to Joy who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer - well a bit longer than just. Joy has undergone a first round of scans - Mammogram, chest x-ray, bone density, MRI, cat-scan along with biopsies finding cancerous cells in breast and lymph, and finding an “abnormality” in the spine. We are at present awaiting an appointment with an oncologist to discuss chemo regime that Joy will have to under take. The waiting seem interminable!!
Now my Question if I may
The other day Joy asked me if I would like to feel her lump - and although I intend to support her in every-way I possibly can I found myself saying - and quite firmly which surprised me - NO! It isn’t that I didn’t want to but I was afraid to !! I am worried that I may squeeze the cancerous area like a tube of toothpaste and may spread the cells - I have not told Joy of my fears here as I do not want her to worry any more than she is already.
what horrible news for you and Joy, I am so sorry to hear it.
re the lump, you dont really have to squeeze it, just touch it with flat fingers or the flat of your hand. I expect it may help her if you can face touching it.
I can understand your reluctance to touch the lump, I touched mine the day I found it, the next day at the GP’s to show him where it was and then two more times for other doctors but I never kept my finger on it, you would think it was red hot the way I pulled my hand away when I touched it.
I was also very scared of it although I don’t think I thought I could “burst” it or anything although with all your fears this isn’t a completely irrational thought. I sometimes wished I could have let my sisters and daughter feel it so they would know what to look for themselves but I couldn’t.
I am sure if you explained this to your wife she would be totally understanding and it doesn’t mean you care less for her situation so dont think that. You have a long road ahead of you and not being able to do this one thing doesn’t make you unable to support her in every other way. My son is very short sighted and has worn glasses since he was 7 years old, the optician once offered to show me how poor his eye sight is but I couldn’t cos I knew it would upset me too much.
Sorry to hear you and Joy are going thru this - but going thru it together is what will help her the most.
If she asked yo to touch the lump I think she just wanted reassurance that you would still be tactile with her and maybe share her experience and fear.
You need to explain why you had that reaction so she doesn’t get paranoid that you are withdrawing from her when she needs you most. That you were afraid of spreading it or hurting her not that you were repulsed (which she will be thinking - if she is like me).
You are obviously a lovely bloke who loves your wife dearly - that needs to be demonstrated now more than ever to her - be strong for her - the treatments now-a-days are much better (though tough).
I have put below the link to BCC’s publication ‘In it Together’ which is aimed at partners of those diagnosed with breast cancer. You can either download a copy or order a copy on line. Hope this helps:
Hi Geof
Firstly, sorry to hear your news. You’ll both get tremendous support from this site so ask or rant away!
Like the others have said you won’t spread the cells by simply touching the lump. Your wife probably wanted to feel that you weren’t in any way disgusted or put off her by the lump. My partner has been wonderful to me. He held (gently!) and kissed my right breast the night before my mastectomy, was with me when the dressings came off so we both saw the scar together, and then continued to kiss my scar whenever we made love and that made me feel wanted and needed and loved.
I’ve now had reconstructive surgery and look and feel like a woman again.
My advice is to continue to reassure her that you still love her and find her attractive whatever she looks like-it certainly worked for me.
Good luck to you both
Love Gill x
Well Geof
The ladies have said all i could say, but i just wanted to send my love & support to you both at this hard time…I really feel for my hubby & all you wonderful men supporting us…You are truly amazing and words can’t express how lucky us ladies feel to have such support at a time when we really need it. The love & support my hubby gives me makes me determined to fight this…
Lauren.x.
Hi Geoff
Im sorry to hear of your news…i might be controversial…i dont mean to upset you…but i was diagnosed oct 2006, i told partner on phone id a lump…he thought i was making it up! (We are both nurses!)…Then we had a family hol, 3 kids in a touring caravan!!! Then we went to Tenerife, i asked him again to feel it…he refused…2 weeks later id a grade 3 bc!..Im still cross…and weve since split up…he was an hour late for my initial dx…
im sorry just letting off steep…but my advice is to get in touch with your femine side…since dx met the best bf ever, and ive just turned 43!..Ex partner didnt try to come to appts or help me out…And i met him when id my wig!!
There is no way that touching or squeezing your wife’s lump will cause it to spread. You say you are afraid and I guess what you are really afaid of is the fact she has cancer, and you don’t know what is going to happen to her. For you to actually feel the lump would be all too real confirmation that yes she does have cancer.
The fact that your wife asked you to feel it may be that she wanted you to glimpse how she feels it…and yes it is terrifying…but also can be really helpful in learning to live with cancer.
Hello Geoff, so sorry to hear of your news. If you would like some telephone support please ring Breast Cancer Care and ask to speak to a Partner Volunteer.
I think I know how you feel. I didn’t get the opportunity to feel my wife’s lump as thing happened so fast with us, thank goodness. However I found it very difficult to touch or look at my wife’s scar after the operation. The first time I really looked was when the stiches were being taken out. A neighbour of ours who was a nurse had done the dressings before then.
Since that time I have been OK with the scar. My wife uses a prosthesis so the scar is quite distinctive, though fading.
At the time I felt that I would have been the same with any operation scar, whatever the reason, and I still feel that would be my most likely feeling today. My wife gets the occasional swellings and lumps which we all get in old age, and I don’t really like feeling those either. I will usually tell her that my action in touching them adds nothing to our knowledge of the situation as I am unable to form any conclusion from doing so, therefore I leave it to those who are trained to analyse these things to form whatever conclusion they can. We just have to wait for the experts to produce their verdicts.
Thanls to all that have replied to this … I have now explained my fears to Joy and she was pleased that I was able to talk with her, I am an English man of the old “Stiff upper lip” generation and find I have difficulty in letting my feelings be known.