Marilyn’s partner Di has given me permission to share this letter. It was a letter she wrote to the Rabbi involved with Marilyn’s funeral, to give an insight of Marilyn’s life.
A life lived well despite stage 4 breast cancer. Belinda.
I thought I might give you an overview about Marilyn if I may. I have been living with Marilyn for 30 years, and we became civil partners in 2006.
She was born in New London, Connecticut, USA on the 23rd February 1950 to Lee Fetcher and Edith Ida Rakosky Fetcher. Lee Fetcher was born in New York, and Edith Rakosky was born in New London, Connecticut, USA. Marilyn’s Hebrew name is Miriam Yehudit bat Chayat Ita, which means Miriam Yehudit daughter of Chayat Ita.
Marilyn was brought up in New London, but went to Boston University in Massachusetts, and after graduating from university she travelled to the UK on a 6 week volunteering project run by Toc H. After the 6 weeks were over, Marilyn decided to stay in the UK, and became a voluntary teacher in a school set up for the children of gypsies and travellers in Hertfordshire. She documented this project with photos, and her work has just been used as part of a recently-published book on travellers in the UK.
Marilyn then moved to Walsall in the West Midlands and became an unqualified social worker for Walsall Social Services. Following this she got a job working for the Council for Racial Equality in Rochdale, and was involved in many campaigns helping non-English families who were being deported from the UK. After working for the Council for Racial Equality, Marilyn got a job as a senior manager for Rochdale Council, and one of her responsibilities was the upkeep of Rochdale Town Hall! Following this job she got the post of Chief Executive for Liverpool Jewish Social Services.
She did this job for about 2 years before she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1997, and had a lumpectomy operation, followed by 6 months of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. She volunteered to try out various new treatments at the Christie hospital in Manchester, and was doing quite well until her diagnosis of secondary liver and bone cancer in 2003. This diagnosis came just before 5 years had elapsed since her initial diagnosis, and every year she would have an annual celebration which she called her “I’m not dead day”. Following this diagnosis she was given 6 months to live, so we went to South Africa and the Grand Canyon, two places she had always wanted to see. Despite the diagnosis, in 2003 she also got a new job in Bolton, which involved projects to improve the life of people in various communities in Bolton. One of her proudest boasts was that she procured the money to build new front garden walls for the houses on Bury Road in Bolton.
After the 6 months had passed, Marilyn decided to campaign for a greater awareness of the women with secondary cancers as a result of breast cancer, and she and 4 other women who were in the same situation set up a group they called BBB. BBB campaigned, but in addition all the members of the group travelled to different parts of the UK, so everyone could meet up, go out for meals and generally have a good time together.
This group has gone on from strength to strength, and the women who have secondary breast cancer are now recognised as part of the wider breast cancer campaigns. Of the original 4 women who set up the group, there are now only 2 left, Ruth and Belinda. But, Marilyn, Belinda, and Jan used to meet up once a year when we went to Norfolk on holiday. But for Marilyn Skype became a wonderful way of talking to women both in the UK and America.
Marilyn has always tried to advise and help other women with breast cancer, even when she has been struggling with her own cancer progression, and invented a ‘cancer pack’ for women who were newly diagnosed. This pack contained all the things which Marilyn had found useful and helpful during her own cancer journey, and she made one up for her friend Sufrana which was full of creams, a soft toothbrush and a few jokes.
Marilyn and I decided in 2003 when she was told that she was dying, that we would face this together and not keep things from one another. Our sense of humour has been invaluable, although other people may have found it startling on occasion, it has helped us through some of the darker situations she has had to face. Marilyn became very ill, and her cancer progressed into the lining of her brain, and she had tumours in her eye socket, which meant she could no longer drive – and she said that as an American being parted from her car was been the hardest thing!
Marilyn developed diabetes in 2004, and it was the progression of her diabetes which had damaged her kidneys which meant that she could no longer take her drugs for the cancer, and in April 2013, her oncologist had to take her off all of her drugs as they were making her kidney damage worse. She was put on Megace, one of the older style drugs for cancer instead.
She has put up with a lot of pain but she bore it all as best she could. On the morning before her death she tried hard to make 2 new young doctors feel as comfortable as she could while they asked her questions, even though she was very weary, as she knew it would help other people in similar situations. In short Marilyn was a brave, warm-hearted woman who has used her life to try to make things better for people she saw as not being as fortunate as she was. Marilyn died at 4.45 am on the 23rd November 2013 in Bolton Hospice, after being admitted to the Hospice at her request on the 20th November.
I miss her.
Diane Hudson. November 2013