A little low right now.

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Hi Ladies,

Been having a few low days and its really starting to get to me! Got a cold and chesty cough right now so hoping i get my EC number 4 next Wed. Obviously got aches and pains to go along with it which makes your mind think oh is it just down to this cold I have which got me on the whole downer in the first place!

The past week ive felt a bit down and had a few drinks each night after work at home(maybe a few too many the last week or so) seen as I no longer go out anywhere…to the point of just going to and from work, ive even stopped going shopping. My poor OH goes which she doesnt mind. Anyhow the more and more i think about once I finish treatment the more I worry. As I am ER- a tiny bit PR positive and HER- i dont know what lies ahead after RADS. I ordered a holiday brochure and it arrived on Saturday - me and OH have decided once my treatment is over with we are going to go somewhere very special…as we were looking through the pages i could only think of “pick somewhere really nice it might be your last” and so I stopped reading it and went to go do some cleaning as i felt really sad, all i could think of was im 31 and how long am i gonna last…(i know im sorry for being morbid)

Last night my sis and her husband came round and we played on the Wii and had a really good laugh and a few drinks/nibbles, watched the rugby etc and we had a lovely time…then i had another horrid thought as I began pouring the drinks! All I could think was how soooo unfair life is! Heres me in a loving relationship, my first house(mortgage) we have only been in less than a year, the best sis you could ask for and all having a wonderful time together like young couples should be…how many more times will i be doing this, how many more times will there be?

After they left my OH and I were talking and its really the first time she has commented as its normally me who does all the chatting and ranting and she just listens and is really positive which usually perks me up. we got to talking about the holiday we plan when my treatment is over and I said ya know when my treatment is over it doesnt end there, it may take me a while to get over the whole ordeal and she agreed and I said how ive been feeling about worrying if it comes back etc etc and she nodded and admitted she has thought about it and worries too but she said we must live our lives to the full in the meantime in which I agreed.

She then went to bed and I logged onto the internet and read some sad posts on here and looked up things on internet which made me worse…so I went to bed. Have woke this morning and again all achy(prob doesnt help i played Tiger Woods game on Wii all yesterday plus the aches from my cold but i just cant get things out of my head.

Also, I was told my periods would stop when on chemo and they havent which im not that concerned about to be honest, however my last one lasted for ten days when i only ever do max three days ever! My breasts were so tender and sore as they would be but they still are which i cant understand - is this normal as i progress thru chemo??

Before anyone suggests talking to my BC nurse or Chemo nurse im a private person and dont feel i could share my fears with anyone at the min.

Phew, im sure I could go one but im sure ive made you all miserable enuf!

Hoping & Praying everyone getting results/treatment biopsys etc tomorrow gets good news.

Love to you all

Lynne.x

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Hi Lynne
I totally know where you are coming from, its really hard to be positive sometimes but you have to try and NOT let this horrible BC take over and make you miserable !!

Easier said than done I know, but you are not alone in your thoughts believe me !

Take care and I hope you start feeling better soon. (I had a nasty cough after number 4 and it was dreadful but eventually it went thank god).

Love
Diane x

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Lynne

So sorry you are feeling so bad at the mo. Its horrible feeling so bad and having horrible thoughts running through your mind all the time - but you will get brighter days again - although I KNOW it is hard to remember this when you are feeling so bad. I had a very bad weekend feeling emotionally low last weekend then felt physically bad during the week but since Friday I have picked up again. am going to enjoy this week as in 8 days time they will be blasting me with the poison again then its back to square 1.

It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive OH.

Take care and hopefully you will start to feel better soon. If you want to have another rant and rave then feel free. I know its easier to do it on here than in person with anyone - cos I am like that too.

Sending hugs and get well vibes
Fiona
xx

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Hi Lynne

It sounds as if you are having a really awful time of it at the moment, you know where common sense says be positive and your body says its had enough of all this crap.

I once felt odd when I did things that I enjoyed, could it have been because I worried I might not be round enough to enjoy them much longer?
Well all I can say is since my dx I have put the xmas tree up twice and will again this year, I have had the best holiday ever in France and seen two of my kids move into there own home. This and much more has happened in the two years since dx.

I can empathise with you so I know its hard to take in the positive vibes I am sending, so just take one day at a time at the moment. Don’t look too far ahead, I don’t mean that morbidly, just as a way to cope at the moment. I really hope tomorrow will be brighter for you.

As in the words in the film Dead Poets Society ‘Seize The Day’

Take care
Carol

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Hi Lynne Honey

Sorry you are soooo down, it’s really sh*t when you feel like that - like every decision has a big black cloud hanging over you. I feel very similar to you today as we have also been talking about holidays too and I frantically (and totally impractically) want to go EVERYWHERE next year - just in case it comes back again - there is only so much travelling one can do in a year (esp with 2 small children). I do believe these sad days come and go, and you should just let them wash over you and let out some of that emotion - good that you can talk openly with your partner about all this too.

You know I bet we will be around for so long, we will have spent ALL our money on doing the things we want to do (just in case) and we will be so so so skint!!! But do I care…hell no!!!

You definitely should go and organise something special, that is what we are doing - I think we have decided tonight that we are gonna go to Disneyland and Florida Keys next year - make it something really memorable and as a treat too after all this cr*p, God knows we deserve it!!!

Chin up gal…you can do this and we’re all here for you.

Hugs
Ali
x

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Girls - Disneyland and Florida was my treat to the family but mainly ME after my first lot of treatment and was the BEST thing - kids loved it and it was pure escapism. I’m so sad and can’t watch a Dsiney advert without going on about it. Just loved it and everything American. Another bonus - even though I had put weight on through treatment I felt positively anorexic out there!! They have have roller coaster seats for the extra large LOL !!!
Ali - get down that travel agents tomorrow!!!

Sarah x x x

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Oh Sarah, that sounds great, exactly what I had in mind, apart from the XL seats!!! LOL!
Thanks, I have already been looking at the Virgin Hols site tonight!!

Ali
x

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Hi Lynne,

Your post sound so familiar. Its almost identical to some of the ones I have posted on here.

I was diagnosed december 27th last year 28 years old. I have had all my chemo and rads and am now on Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. Too top it all off mum was also diagnosed 1 week after me also having to have chemo and rads. I tell you, we were a right pair sat on the chemo ward together and ‘boy’ did we get some strange looks walking through town in our head scarves together.

Anyway…

I felt exactly the same as you, ever time I was out having a good time I too thought, ’ how many more times am I going too have times like this, enjoying myself '. ’ will i still be here in 5 years times ’ ’ why me ? ’ etc etc. Occasionally I still do think like that, but things are looking up now.
I’ve quit my job working in the xray department at my local hospital ( as i’ve practically lived there for the last 9 months of treatment ) I’ve started a new internet business working from home, we’re getting a new puppy on the 20th (how exciting) and i’m busy planning our wedding for March next year (6 months to go yippee).

I know its tough for you and it will probably be one of the toughest times of your life but be strong and positive. Focus on things in the future and live each day to the fullest.

Breast cancer is a bummer, it sucks but don’t let it ruin your life. You sound so much like me. The life and soul of the party. Plan your holiday, have some wicked nights out, enjoy every minute of it. Don’t let this thing beat you.

Drugs can control and fight the cancer but only you can fight the emotions that go with it. Be strong and positive.

Take care,

Mandy xxx

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Hi All,

Thanks so much for your replies.

I know I shouldnt say this but ya know what, im tired of my life like this, im sick and want my old life back!! how dare this b*stard invade my life!
Dianne - Hoping your doing ok, getting ready for Rads??

Carol - im reaching out big time for those vibes…

Fiona - enjoy your week b4 the next lot!!! glad youve pulled round from feeling down though…

Ali - you go girl with Florida, my OH used to play proffesional golf and has played out there several times and said it was amazing! Ive only ever been abroad once and that was Malta & Scicily last year(i was always scared of flying hence never went anywhere abroad) but we are thinking either Egypt, India or China, but who knows yet.

Mandy - Thanks for the reply, im trying my hardest to stay positive but struggling…

Congrats about the wedding though, how wonderful for you, bet you cant wait.

Love Lynne

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Lynne

I have said and felt what you said many times since was dx in July - I HATE my life just now and want my old life and old self back - people not going thro this dont understand that. We will all come out of this at the other end different people - hopefully better - at the moment I am angry and bitter and know I am going to have to turn this around to be able to get on with life.

How are you feeling today??

Fiona
xx

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Hi Lynne

So sorry to read your post and to hear how down you are honey - I really hope by the time you read this, you’re back to your old self again.

Rest assured though, your feelings are normal. I can totally relate to what you and the other girls have said - particularly Fiona, as I’ve said quite a few times how much I hate my life and want the old one back - especially when I was going through chemo. I feel really bitter about how much this has affected me, my hubby, and my gorgeous girls who at the age of 14 and 10 have had to cope with seeing their Mum suffering, and have missed out on things this year because I’ve been ill. Having said that, on a positive note, it has brought us all closer together as a family - and has been a learning curve for us all - my girls have always been caring, but this has brought out an even more wonderful side to them - I’m so proud. I’ve also come to realise what an amazing group of friends I have, and again, its this bloody disease that has made us realise how much we all mean to each other

I do worry about the future, but maybe not as much as I should ?! The way I look at it, none of us know what it holds and lets be honest, the old annoying cliche about being hit by a bus (I know a thread was started on this - lol ), is true, and that’s what I hold on to. I’m determined we should enjoy life and I’m damned if I’m going to worry every day about whether this bloody thing comes back or not (being the world’s worst worrier, god knows where this strength has come from !!).

As for a holiday, we had to cancel our usual fortnight abroad this year, and next year we are definitely going to make up for it. I think it may have to be Cuba or Mexico, and I cannot wait to be sitting by the pool in 90 degree heat, with my new boobs on show (well, not completely - those days are long gone!). Sounds like a holiday is in order for all of us on here - god knows we deserve it.

Overall Lynne, I can relate to your worries, and its not bloody fair that we have this wretched thing, BUT, we will get through it and come out the other side smiling (even if its down to the anti depressants!).

Lots and lots of love to you, and big hugs all round

Julie xxxxx

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Hi Lynne

Really sorry to read how low you are feeling.
I am due chemo 4 tomorrow and completely know where you are coming from, I have found it difficult to pick myself up between 3-4!!!

Heres hoping for back to positive between 4 and 5.

Good luck on Wednesday thinking of you.

Kim x

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Hi Lynne and all

SO sorry you are feeling low at the moment. You do sound is if your OH is very supportive and it is great that she is starting to talk to you about how she feels as well as being there and listening to you. Sounds great that you can have some fun with your sis etc round. But like you say it does just pop into your mind, how many more times of this to I have. Should make it even more special. MY OH and my 3yr old are hopefully going to go away as well after all this, my OH normally a workaholic so not had a proper hol for quite some time, so he now has No choice and we are going to have the best holiday we can. Don’t care if it is in Skeggie either, but would prefer and hoping somewhere a little more exotic!!

I’m sure you and you OH will find somewhere to go and that will be something positive to aim for.

If ever you want to have a rant and rave please shout at us all on hear, we don’t mind. (Might shout back! LOL)
It is difficult to express how you are truly feeling, especially when everyone keeps saying think positive, trying to but sometimes just cannot do that so then feel I’m letting others down when I’m not feeling good, so having this site to let it out on is such a great release.

Here’s to us all getting our dream holidays (and not just in our dreams lol)

Take care all
Lots of Love and Hugs

JulieL
xxx

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Hi All,

Thanks once again for your replies. Im doing my best to stay positive but as I say im struggling…

As I drove to work this morning I kept looking at people, young people thinking i wish I were you and not me, Looking at older people on there way to the local market thinking will I live to do that when I get to your age and go home and cook for family at dinner time. Looking at pensioners thinking I wonder if I get to your age and had a wonderful life so I can tell stories to my children & my grandchildren!!! Then I had to pull myself together or else I would have crashed my car as the tears welled up in my eyes. I felt ashamed at my thoughts!

You ladies who have children must feel ten times worse sometimes when you get negative thoughts, but I take my hat off to you all as when I have treatment, or feel cr*p etc I can just go and lay down whereas you guys have to get on with school runs, make dinners, woke up in the night and all the other things that are involved with having children.

Luckily Ive came into work and its manic so I should be ok whilst Im busy. Doesnt help that im full of cold and feeling pants about that and worrying if i will get my chemo on Wed with me being full of cold.

Anyhow ladies, thank you once again for taking the time to reply I really appreciate your messages, oh and the hugs too which are invaluable.

Love to you all.

Lynnex

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Hi Lynne

Hope your cold clears up soon and you get your chemo on time. Remember we are here for you, hope you pick up soon,

Lots of Love and Hugs

JulieL
xxx

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Hi Lynne,
I really know where you are coming from with those ‘dark thoughts’ and it is hard, nay impossible, to avoid them. When people say ‘try not to think about it’, this is a bit like being told not to think of the colour red - which, of course, is immediately what you do. For what is is worth, my way of getting through those days is not to deny them but to just let them all come out one by one, then turn them over and look at them closely until you have done with them. If you are lucky enough to have someone who can lend an ear then so much the better. For my part, I am now getting to grips with the inescapable fact that I cannot turn the clock back to pre-diagnosis days but once I am thru’ my treatment I sure as hell am going to savour and enjoy my life from now on and there is sooooo much to enjoy still…

I am sure others have their own way of getting past these troubling thoughts '… over to you ladies…
Lots love,
Anoush

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Hi Lynne

Oh bless you - how I wish I could give you a HUGE hug right now ! (even if you do work for the competition - ha ha !)

I’m not surprised you’re on a downer, particularly with having a cold too, which obviously doesn’t help.

I think we can all relate to your thoughts - I know I’ve had many a day (not recently mind you) when I would look at my two daughters and wonder if I would ever be there to see them get married, have children etc. Don’t ever feel ashamed at your thoughts. You will have positive days, honestly !

I’m not ashamed to admit that I have medication to help me through - could this be an option for you ?

Anyway my love, let us know how you’re doing - and hope you feel tons better soon.

Lots of love

Julie xxx

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Hi Lynne,

before I go any further I just wanna pick up on something you touched on v.briefly…your OH used to be a professional golfer!!! Thats awesome!! I love golf, although I am pretty sh*t to be honest! I am in awe of your OH and I’ve never even met her!!!

Anyway, back to the ‘proper’ stuff now! I read your post and it was like I was reading about me. It was so similar to one that I posted mid-way through chemo its unbelievable!! Like you I am in a wonderful relationship and we have only lived in this house just over a year, after finally taking the plunge and getting on the property ladder. What lies ahead scares the sh*t out of me sometimes and not so long ago I had a real heart to heart with my boyfriend about all my fears and worries. We’re not yet married and are yet to start a family, but these are all things I very much want to do!! Then sometimes you get to thinking, ‘what if I can’t’…

Very occasionally I will forget for a few precious hours exactly whats wrong with me. Like you when you were playing on the WII and having a right old laugh (awesome game that Tiger Woods one, although I ached for days aferwards last time I played it!). Then it sort of hits you doesn’t it, and you start wondering how many more of these laughs you’re gonna have and stuff. I’ve been thinking about christmas a lot lately and wondering all sorts.

Anyway, I really don’t have any great pearls of wisdom for you. I just wanted you to know that I can 100% relate to how you are feeling right now. And if I had a magic wand and could wish it all better for all of us then I would be waving it frantically right now.

Also, I’m sending you a huge ‘cyber hug’ ((((((((((o)))))))))),

Take care,

Kelly
-x-