I had chemo from Nov-April this yr with a mastectomy in May followed by radiotherapy. I am now waiting for reconstruction. I pride in myself in being a strong person. I thought I could hurdle this one, but I can’t. I’m not coping, I’m not me anymore. I’m huge from steroids. I have aching joints from the tamoxifen. I have lymphedema. At times I can’t look in the mirror, it’s not me in the reflection. I have days where I cry and its for stupid things like going to wash under my boob in the shower then remembering its not there, or because I cant find something to wear. I’ve had to change my style of clothing to hide the big scaffolding straps on the bra that holds my prosthesis. I won’t let anyone see the scar. My confidence has hit rock bottom. I don’t know how other women seem to sail thru, I envy and admire them and wish I could do the same. I’ve just applied for sickness benefit this morning as I’m in no fit state to try for work yet. The lady I spoke to was so helpful and kind, when she wished me all the best I cried. It seems wierd to cry when someones being nice to me!
Hi sue, everything you have said I have felt . I had bc 20 years ago the first time and it reccured after 18years, so I am just like you, ballooned with the steroids, cant look at myself, its Like I dont know myself anymore. I am waiting for a reconstruction, but I know thats not all the answer, I have been trying to lose weight and swimming etc, but its a very slow process, I always expected to come out the other end like superwoman and fly off into the sunset this very brave strong woman. There were days when I went into the lou where no one could see me and I would cry like I have never cried before well actually I howled. There are no easy answers we all have to find our own way through and as I said its a slow process.I found going through the grieving process of losing my breast was something that I had to face and go through.I have had psychological support and thats helped enormously.Be kind to yourself take one day at a time , little steps. and dont beat yourself up and think that everyone else is coping, because I bet you get many replies like mine. Take care and keep posting love suzan x
Hi Ladies
I have added a link for an article which used to be on here quite a lot but I can seem to find it, it helps make some sense of everything you have been through and it is quite handy pass onto OH’s and friends.
Hope you find it useful
Karen
DOH forgot to add the link
Karen
Thank you for posting that link. It’s amazing and it’s almost like I now have permission to feel the way I do! It’s everything to a ‘t’
I tried to return to work and 3 weeks down the line was sat there freaking out thinking what on earth am I doing here. My friend and hubby kept telling me I was ok and that I could do the job standing on my head and to keep going! I carried on for another couple of weeks before I felt it really was too much and left. I didn’t like to, I felt I was letting folk down. Now I think I was pushing myself too soon, too hard. I’ve worked since I was 19-I’m 47 in Feb-so it’s going to be wierd but it’s time to take stock and re-evaluate what’s important and what’s not in the New Year.
Christmas is nearly here so I’m going to enjoy it and learn to relax.
Happy Christmas everybody!
Sue. x x x x
Hi Sue
Glad the link was helpful I agree it does stop you trying to be superwoman and feeling miserable.
Hope you have a good christmas and a healthy new year
Karen
xx