Forgive me if this is the wrong category or section for this. I really don’t know who else to talk to and I am still incredibly angry and sad 24 hours later.
My best friend has MS and I am still on Tamoxifen for 5 years for BC. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other in several weeks due to busy stuff happening, and we typically talk 2-4 times per week, so we finally had a lunch planned for yesterday. I looked forward to being able to talk with her, share some fears about my upcoming 6 month mammogram, etc. and listen to how her MS was treating her and chat.
When I arrive at the restaurant, I get a text saying, “I’ll be there in 5 min. I’m bringing XX person.” Now, I knew the other person but not super well. My heart flipping sank. I didn’t want to reveal personal info or talk about stuff with someone there who I don’t know as well. On any other day or time, I would typically be ok with this and say “it’s just a lunch” but the thing is, yesterday WASN’T just a lunch for me. It was my chance to finally reconnect with my best friend who I have missed lately. I have some other groups of friends that are rapidly disappearing so I am already vulnerable, and then she just decides to bring her coworker without asking me.
I am still angry and incredibly sad 24 hours later. I wanted to talk. I wanted to be around someone I was comfortable with. And now I feel like I can never trust her again AND I want to go bury myself underneath the covers and never come out.
Of course I was the adult and went thru w/the lunch and had a superficial conversation, which I hate. But now I want to ghost her entirely.
Am I crazy? I know part of this is anxiety at my upcoming mammogram and the fact that my dermatolgiist found pre-cancer cells and that freaked me out. Like is cancer going to come for me eternally or what???
Vent away! I can understand why you’d feel so upset and disappointed - that would have annoyed me too. You’d been looking forward to a proper catch-up with your best friend after some time apart, and it sounds like you really needed that one-on-one space to talk and reconnect. Having someone else join without any warning must have felt like such a let-down.
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. It’s not about the other person being there, it’s about feeling that your friend didn’t consider how important that time was to you - especially when you’d planned to open up about things that are hard to share.
It might help to gently tell her how it made you feel when you’re ready - maybe something like, “I’d really been looking forward to some quiet time for just the two of us, and I was a bit hurt when it turned into a group lunch.” She might genuinely not have realised how much that moment meant to you.
Give yourself some grace - you handled it kindly in the moment, even though it wasn’t what you needed. Hopefully you’ll be able to clear the air and get back to the kind of friendship that usually brings you comfort.
I hope that makes you feel better even if you get a shrug of the shoulders in reply (doubt you will though - probably just done without malice, without thinking).
Firstly well done for handling it the way you did . Second - don’t ghost her you have known each other way too long to let one mistake end your friendship . She may not realise quite how you have been feeling - it’s possible that the other person may have asked to tag on for some reason and she didn’t want to offend them by saying no. There could be any number of reasons why she turned up with her co- worker
Maybe you could look into getting some more support for yourself either on here or groups within your community - one of my fellow support group ladies has just started going to a group at our local Hospice and is enjoying that and getting more out of it than out of our monthly tea and cake meet up. If there’s something available that would make you less dependent on your friends’ support so that when you’re together you aren’t talking about health as much it would be useful .
I know that MS affects people’s moods/ emotions / behaviour and memory - often they aren’t aware themselves of that so if her disease is progressing going forward you may not be able to get her to respond to you in what you would consider to be an appropriate way. That does make it all the more important to have some of the one on one time that you were craving so maybe just say next time that though you enjoyed it could it be just the two of you next time - if she’s reluctant then perhaps there is a problem BUT it may not be anything related to you. If she has a problem she wants to keep to herself for instance the last thing she might want to do at present to talk to someone who knows her so well and will see right through her if she says she’s alright. Xx
I’m glad you felt comfortable to vent here. I can assure you in the same circumstances most of us would feel as you do, it’s almost as if your friend has betrayed your trust in her. At the beginning of my diagnosis I felt the same way about a friend I had trusted and must admit I sent her a scathing message detailing the pain she’d caused me. Fortunately she’d gone to bed and hadn’t read the message when I realised in the middle of the night that she hadnt meant to hurt me, so I deleted my message and although I’m still 18months later very careful about what I say to her I feel better for understanding what she’d done more caused by her not knowing what it’s like mentally to go through cancer. I’m sure your friend didn’t mean to hurt you, the invitation to the other lady may have been spur of the moment, the other lady might have been down about something, your friend might have not known how to help you with your diagnosis. There are a thousand reasons she may have acted as she did. I fully understand how let down you felt, how you had planned at last to be able to talk to someone freely, how much it hurt you. Why not message her and te h you badly needed to talk on a one to one ba the other day and can you meet up just the two of you. On top of everything you are going through you don’t need this and if you still feel you can’t talk to her then there’s always someone here to listen, speak to the nurses here, they are the best listeners ever and can also answer all your fears and questions.
@dogmamala, why does this happen the people we need let us down, however I don’t think they really understand how much we need them. My dear friend keep asking question after question and I just couldn’t cope, my husband pointed out that she really cares.
Maybe call her, asking if you could get together again just the two of you for a good old chat, fingers crossed you will have a good time. Hang in there you need each other.
I’m sorry you are feeling sad. Maybe your friend is anxious and needed a shield for the first meeting. It sounds like you really value your friendship, so I think allow the trust to rebuild. Ghosting now will be based on the entirely understandable emotional waves you’re riding, and would mean the end of a friendship, which it sounds you do not want. Good luck with everything. x
Your feelings are totally valid and normal and understandable. It must have been so disappointing and upsetting to not get the deep, supportive conversation you needed so badly and had been expecting and looking forward to. Especially when you’re also dealing with new worries.
Having said that, I don’t think you should ghost your friend. It’s much, much more likely she acted thoughtlessly rather than because she doesn’t care about you. Still hurtful, but also a very normal, human mistake to make.
Give her a chance to make it up to you. Tell her you want to catch up properly.
It sounds like you have a long and lovely friendship and it would be such a shame to lose that over one misunderstanding and thoughtless act.
Thanks. I am feeling a bit better today. Was just really angry/stunned/sad yesterday but took some time off work and feel better now. Will try and see how things look moving forward, as the friendship is important. Appreciate your insight.
