Advice?

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1

Hi,

My partner has breast cancer for the 2nd time and had her operation last October. The op went well and aswell as radiotheraphy, she is now on Toxoxifin and Zoladex.

On the same day my partner was operated on, my mother was being operated on that afternoon for a tumor. She remained in Hospital until March this year. On two occasions she was on a life support machine due to complications.

On that same day my father, who has been married to mum for over 50 years was also rushed into the same hospital as my mum and stayed there for 2 weeks.

So yes we have had it bad but not as bad as others.

During all of this time, I have been the one that has looked after my partner.

I have been the one that has wrapped her up when she is cold, I am the one that has stroked her hair when she needed to sleep, the one that has woken with her when she is unwell or frightened, the one who has sat with her during the bad news and held her hand for strength and comfort.

I would do it all again if i had to.

Like all relationships, we all struggle sometimes and dont agree.

But when you are told that despite everything you have done, you have done nothing it cannot be right.

The swear words, the constant pulling down that everything is just not good enough, that you are a worthless man! A nothing!

I am told that this can be caused by the medication? Do others have experience of this?

I make mistakes, I dont always get it right but I work and pay my way and some more. I bring up my own son and I support my partners son.

Is this normal or is it that we are simply not right for each other?

Any help, understanding, criticism or advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks

2

Hi Elevation, is this a recent thing she’s been doing? If so i guess it could be the medication. Tamoxifen can apparantley cause mood swings/low mood in some peeople. It might be worth her having a chat with the onc perhaps a mild antidepressant may help. She may also just feel overwhelmed at the moment with all that’s happening. They say we take it out on the ones we love, also she may be worried about the future having had a recurrence, i imagine there’s allsorts going through her mind. U sound like a very caring, supportive partner who’s doing all the right things but she may just need a bit of counselling or something like that. I hope things get better for u.

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I am sending you a hug (:slight_smile: I have treated my husband as you are experiencing. I think that it is because you are so close and so involved in what is happening to your loved one. I have often said to my husband that he is the only one that knows what I have gone through ( I was diagnosed June 2008). I think it is a case of take it out on the one you love and who is closest. I cant offer a solution except to say that everyone forgets about the carer. Talk to your partner about how you are feeling and im sure she will agree with me that its simply a case of you are closest so in a way get it!
xxxxxxx

4

I take it all out on my husband… i dont mean to but as he is there it just comes out…really horrible confusing place to be and it will pass xxxx

5

Hi when i was on steroids I was a bitch to my husband like u it done it all but wasn’t enough still told him he didn’t care and didn’t have a clue wat I was going through I sat crying for hrs for no reason it will pass hopefully just give her a bit of time

6

Hi, you sound like a gr8 person and I believe you have had a rough time also. I have been with my partner for 6 years and I love him 2 bits. I was dx in sept and I would say I have held my feelings back from him. I would rather moan at him about stupid things. He helps me bring up my two children and I couldn’t do it withot him. I know my diagnosis has changed me and one day I pray and hope I go back to that person I was before bc. There are people out there that can help couples. Good luck.

7

I found the steroids really made me awful, I remember being either sulk or hulk!! It wasn’t a nice time, and it was just bad luck that my partner was in the firing line. Take a deep breath, hopefully it will soon pass.

8

I can remember being pretty awful at times very moody and angry taking it out on your nearest and dearest hope all returns to some normality soon. big hugs.

9

What a terrible time you have had. I am sure your partner loves you very much. Your problem is so common. Fear can lead to irrational behaviour and the hormone treatment doesn’t help. Have you thought about giving the Helpline a ring. They really are so helpful and understanding, and more importantly they are there for Partners as well as the patient. BCC has Peer Support and they will match you to another man who’s partner has had Breast Cancer. My husband found his chats to his Peer Supporter such reasurance. You can access this through the Helpline or directly. Thereis also a publication you can download specifically for partners.
The Helpline’s number is 0808 800 6000. They will be back to work again on Tuesday.
Hold on in there, you have had such a tough time.
Best regards

10

If your hospital has a support centre attached it usually offers support to family as well as patients. you sound really caring so I hope you can find the support you also deserve. I second the suggestion to call the helplne, they are marvelous.

11

I am experiencing a similar effect on our relationship, from Tamoxifen I think. (My wife is 2 years into 5 years of the treatment.) I feel desperately guilty raising this, amongst people who are really suffering, but the impact of Tamoxifen on our relationship is dreadfully painful in its own way. I can relate to your feelings Elevation. We have had tremendous help from Relate and Macmillan, though no magic wand there I’m afraid! Please PM me if you would like any more info. When there is a terrible strain on a relationship, one naturally looks for a way to resolve it. I don’t think there is one; I just have to bide my time and believe I am doing the right thing in supporting my wife, in spite of all the signs to the contrary.

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I should add my thanks to BCC for supportive publications and this forum. I have not tried the helpline or peer support yet but will do so soon.