This is going to sound insane,even pathetic.Last week,after 3 weeks of wondering,i found out that the lump in my breast was just a cyst.Of course i was thrilled and very relieved but i feel strange.Ever since then i have been having the worst panic attacks of my life practically everyday.I feel down and have no idea why.Everytime i put on my computer i have to come in here first but i don’t need to so that’s weird.I read everyones stories.Also my daughter has 3 friends whose mums all have BC and to be honest i feel guilty.I can’t believe i’m even writing this and it must seem so stupid but i need to know if anyone else has experienced this.I’m not a good person.I smoke too much,i’m lazy and do nothing good with my life.I’m not feeling sorry for myself just being honest.I read in here about so many amazing women battling this disease and their courage is unbelievable.If my lump had of turned out to be BC i wouldn’t of handled it with any dignity what so ever.My daughters friends mums are such incredible women and one of them has already been through a horrendous tragedy but they are doing so well.I think i’m thinking why wasn’t it me and do feel guilty.The panic attacks i’m having are just crippling and i haven’t really been out in a week.Do other women have similar feelings if everything is alright?I am ashamed that i’ve written this and i’m sure the response will be ‘get a life’ and that’s true but i can’t forget this.Thanks for reading and i’m sorry
I think you have had a shock - simple as that. To go through with all the tests, not knowing the outcome is very stressful and equally hard to suddenly brush away as though nothing has happened. You also have participated in these forums where some of the ladies are very ill and it has opened your eyes to the reality of breast cancer. In the good old days, you would not have all this information to hand and would be fairly ignorant about it. I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing as in your case, your mind has been imaging the worst for a while.
As for not being a good person and smoking etc, breast cancer like most other cancers strike at random. Nothing to do with if you have been good or not. Infact, some of the most health conscious women have breast cancer and others who have not been so healthy, have not. No rhyme nor reason to it all. With regards to your daughters friends mothers, you dont really know how they cope. To the outside, they may look like all is well, but we never truly know how people react and cope. For all you know, they may have panic attacks too. You can’t feel guilty about not having cancer just like you cant feel guilty that you weren’t killed in a car crash. This is the harsh reality of life and feeling guilty will drive you mad.
Panic attacks are horrible. They often strike as a result of recent shock or long periods of stress. They are very treatable and you most definitely need to see your GP about these. Dont just put up with it, get professional help.
good luck
Cathy
x
Hiya,
Firstly, congratulations on getting the all clear. That is fantastic news!!!
It sounds to me like you could be a wee bit depressed and it might be worth speaking to your GP about it or some other mental health professionals. It sounds like your self-esteem is really low and you are very down on yourself. I think that maybe by coming on this site and reading the really awe-inspiring posts from some very very remarkable women you have , naturally so, associated the illness with strength and grace. If you are not feeling like you have these positive qualities then maybe subconciously cultivating these would have been a pay off in a way for having such a horrible disease.
By being told you have the all clear part of you may feel denied. I am still awaiting tests but I feel so comfortable and welcome here that I know I will miss it if I get the all clear. This may be a bit of a loss for you too.
I think you have been really brave and extremely honest. I hope that someone with a wee bit more insight can help you with some answers that you need. Well done on being so brave and open.
A
dita babe hi,
i felt that way after the scare last year so it is more common than you think.
you are not weird babe i,m just worried bout the panic attacks, if they dont settle i would seek advise
bless you but at least a great result
congrats
cee
Hi dita1973
I just wanted to reassure you that these feelings are quite normal after such a health scare. If you feel it would help to talk this through with someone please give the Breast Cancer Care helpline a call, here you are able to share your fears and concerns with a trained member of staff who can offer you a ‘listening ear’ as well as support and advice.
The number is free phone 0808 800 6000 and the line is open Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm and Saturdays 9am to 2pm.
I hope this is helpful.
Kind regards
Louise
Facilitator
Hi Dita,
I am not surprised that you are having panic attacks and feel so low, After all you have been through the most terrible,frightening time. You didn.t know iit would be alright and so like all of us you dreaded the worst and was in fear for your life , of leaving loved ones too early… Knowing now that the lump was a cyst does not negate that experience…quite understandably you are in shock, feeling very anxious and it will take time foe you to settle and come to terms with the fact that you are OK.
I do not think that you can know what you would have been like had you had BC. It is a place that no-one can experience until they are there. When faced with only the odds ‘’'do or die" there is for most no alternative than to go forward in a way that can be perceived from outside as ‘brave’ or ‘courageous’. It would take a lot to convince me that you would not have joined these ranks … Also much crying and heartbreak is done behind closed doors.
But you do not have it! We all celebrate for you!
Take care and be gentle with yiourself,
Margaret
Dita
I am so sorry to hear that you are having panic attacks and feeling so low following the news that your lump was a cyst. As others have said you have had a great shock and have had a time of immense worry about what may be ahead of you and a period of feeling low is understandable. Having read the posts you did before you went to the clinic I gather you have existing issues (you mentioned aggrophobia etc) and this is probvably playing a part in how you are feeling now. Please don’t feel guilty about not having breast cancer when others do - it is ok for you to feel relieved that you got the all clear and us not so lucky ones on here are all delighted when we read that someone has been told they are ok. Please don’t feel that you are not a good person just because you smoke and don’t have the healthiest of lifestyles. Cancer strikes ppl of all ages good bad or indifferent.
I can however equate to your feelings of guilt to a certain degree. I did have breast cancer and I did question whether it was because of things I had done - like taking the pill and smoking etc - and I was grateful that my tumour was low grade, but I sort of felt a fraud when I seen how ill others were and how much worse their treatment was compared to mine. I felt awful when my friend’s partner was told that he had a ‘new’ cancer after battling (and appearing to win his battle) with an unrelated cancer for years and yet days after he was told this he was offering me advice and support on my pending course of radiotherapy. But, and it’s a big but, I am glad I am alive, that the cancer did not make me too ill to go to work or do my own washing or go for a walk in the park when the sun was shining… I still feel sorrow that my friend got married and was widowed in the space of 6 weeks but I’ve come to realise that I can’t feel guilty about being alive when others are not.
Please seek help and don’t suffer the guilt and the panic attacks.
hiya, firstly, I’m really pleased you have the all clear. Secondly, I’ve also suffered panic attacks, quite a few recently since discovering my lump. They are awful, debilitating things, but as others have said, go to your gp and get some treatment, they will probably disappear as soon as they came, but give yourself some time to get over the ordeal you have been through. You mustn’t feel guilty for not having bc, but you should still come on here and chat to others who understand what you have been through
x
To all who have posted,I haven’t been on since i wrote this post as i didn’t know what response i was going to get and i must say i’m overwhelmed.Thank you all so much for your words of kindness.I really can’t believe it.As Lilac said,i have had agoraphobia and panic attacks for 17 years but i’d got them,to a point,of control.Since last Thursday i’ve had ones like i’ve never had before.The other day i had one so bad that i,literally,became paralysed with fear.My hands went into spasm and i couldn’t move them or my legs.All i seem to be doing at the moment is spending my life on the sofa.I wake up,panic,take tranquillisers and have to sleep again.I haven’t been to bed,just sleeping on the sofa,and (this is disgusting) i’ve only been bothered to bath myself once since then.From the moment i left the doctors when i first had my lump examined and she said i needed to go to hospital,i knew this was going to be a life changing experience but it hasn’t turned out like i thought.When i was waiting the 10 days for my appointment to come round i thought to myself,if i get the all clear i would stop smoking,be dancing round the fields naked and just generally life my life.The ironic thing is for the last 17 years i’ve spent the time,in one way or another,trying to kill myself (consciously or subconciously) and when i had this scare all i wanted to do was live.Now i know i’m ok and i feel awful.I think that’s part of the guilt too.Not just because i don’t have BC but because of what i’ve done in the past.Before all this happened i was very ignorant about BC.I just had my mum in laws experience of it but she’s a very strong woman and took it with a pinch of salt.Now i come in here and read stories about women who are going through hell trying to live and others who can’t fight it anymore and it just breaks your heart.One time i came on the website and stumbled upon a post called ‘talking to children’.I read all the posts and all the women were losing the fight and were discussing what to tell their children and what to leave for them.I can’t describe what it was like reading it.It’s just so bloody unfair.I phoned my doctor yesterday for advice,as i couldn’t make it the 200 yards down there,and he just prescribed more tranquillisers.My daughters friends mum started chemo this week.After one session it’s made her really ill.I just wish there was something i could do but i can’t.Sorry for rambling on and thank you again so much for your lovely words.So much love to everyone X
Glad to see that you are back and posting Dita, it lets us know you are still functioning. I am sorry to hear that your doctor has not offered more constructive help - if you are medicating to the point of sleeping already then more pills are probably not the answer. Do you attend a mental health clinic or are you at least in touch with someone from there? If not I would strongly advise that you push your doctor for an urgent referral.
Don’t feel bad about not having given up smoking - I am a work in progress on that one, I know many ppl think that after being told I had cancer it would be enough of a shock to get me to just stop smoking on the spot … but hell it just doesn’t work like that, there is the stress that comes with it and although I am doing very well there are times when I could nicely do without it. I think at this stage in your life adding the stress of giving up smoking into the equation is probably a bad idea.
Please take some time and be good to yourself - you have been lucky to get the all clear but that’s not to say that you can immediately forget the worry you had and the fear that you felt and go off into the wide blue yonder with gay abandonment.
I’m sure one day we will read that you have had a wonderful day dancing naked in the fields … just don’t plan it for December or you might end up with frost bite.
Lilacblushes thankyou for sharing that you are still smoking. So am I. I have felt very guilty about this but I too feel too stressed out to stop. Lack of energy doesn’t help me either, whike I sit I smoke. I wanted to start a discussion about this but thought that I would be shot down in flames and didn’t want to put myself through that as I feel very vulnerable anyway.
Margaret
And I will add to the list of things that I do wrong. I don’ smoke, but I sure as hell like my wine and I eat too much of the wrong things and I am overweight and don’t do anywhere near enough exercise. And I thought at the time of diagnosis, “oh please let me get through this and I will improve- I promise”. Have I? Have a guess! Dita, you have lots of issues going on. The first one is the panic attacks and agrophobia. Like Lilac says, your doctor doesnt seem to be offering any constructive treatment. Dosing you up with tranquillisers is not going to help at all. You need to go back and tell them that you really need help. Other medication such as antidepressants like Citalopram or Seroxat are licensed for panic disorder and work very well, unlike valium. You also need to see a counsellor who will help. Secondly, I would suggest that you stop reading the upsetting forums like the talking to children one. It is extremely upsetting for everyone and all it is going to do is make you feel terrible. I know I find it hard to read them. It is not cowardly to back off from reading upsetting things when you are in a fragile state of mind and the last thing you should do is feel guilty. It isn’t your fault that life is so unfair. It is unfair, not just because of BC, but many other things and unfortunately, like most of us, there is very little we can do. When I was going through a terrible time when my son was very ill, I purposely switched off all the news, wouldn’t watch sad films or read newspapers. I lived in my own little world away from reality but that’s what I had to do to make sure I didnt crack up. I had enough sorrow to face without facing all the other things in the world. Now, I can face up to things and get them into perspective without churning them round in my mind like before. Whilst you are feeling like this, stick to the lighthearted threads instead. You get the support you need from these.
I know it is hard, but you need to start helping yourself. Phone a help line like No Panic www.nopanic.org.uk I hope the moderators allow this link because it is a proper charity for people like you.
All the best
Cathy
x
the good thing about panic attacks is that although you think you are going to die and they feel awful they do go away and leave you still in the land of the living. I’ve had them too, and I must say they are worse in some ways than treatments for cancer as they at least are known and you get information about side effects etc. Panic is a sort of feeling that you can’t cope
but you can believe me.
I find distraction really good, read a trashy magazine, do some serious exercise such as a brisk walk to buy an icecream and a trashy mag.
I hope you feel better soon
Mole
Lilac … i too felt guiilty cos I was daignosed early and didnt have half the treatment that these ladies on here had ,but had a mast … wle and recon …and now tamoxifen which was prob the same as you and no flipping picnic ,I stiil feel a fraud when I come on here and read the other threads esp the secondaries ,I feel for themso much …but at the end of the day we still had a potentially life threatening disease which has changed our lives for ever it will never be the same again it has been 6 months since DX for me now and I cant keep off this site … i look t o see how others are getting on my OH thinks that i should stop coming here and move on forget whatever … I may have moved on but will never forget …
Maz xxxxxx
I’m glad that I am not the only nasty smoker left on earth … as I said I am a work in progress on that score and have almost stopped.
I had actually been to the GP in late November and got a prescription for the stop smoking pills Champix - then my friend upped and died with a moments notice so I put of taking them until after the upset of that was done with and christmas was out of the way. I took the 1st pill on 5th Jan at about 8am then went in the bath an hour later - soaped myself up with shower gel and felt this lump in my breast. The advise you to continue to smoke at the start and set a stop date between day 7 and day 14 … I chose day 13 (for not particular reason) and the day before they confirmed I had BC.
Clearly the stress outweighed the pills and I carried on smoking. I did try again using nicotine patches and got to about 2 weeks - I find the 1st 2 weeks fairly easy then I hit a wall - and my friend’s husband passed away … needless to say I bought a packet of 10 cigs and kidded myself that I would just smoke them and not buy any more … I’m now down to about 4 a day (more at the weekends when I am not at work) and am planning the patches again on Monday.
Like Cathy says we all get a fright and promise that we will do this and that and stop doing the other … and we all mean it at the time but somehow we rarely get round to it.
Just to add to the badness … I am terrible with fruit and veg … at best it is 5 a week, at worst 5 a month. I eat cheese burgers and bacon rolls, white bread, milk and sugar in way too many cups of coffee a day. I’m not overweight or a heavy drinker but don’t take much proper exercise.
Dita
I’m only just catching up on all the comings and going on BCC, I am so pleased to hear that you got the all clear along with quite a few other ladies too, I note!
I had never had a panic attack in my life until the last few months… I am getting very strange feelings of lack of control, not being able to breath and that literally my whole insides are about cease life!!! It’s horrible and they just don’t seem to arrive when I want them but more like when they want to disrupt me the most!!
There is no rhyme or reason for these starting… I am 43 and post menopausal (so can’t even blame the meno, which is the obvious reason for most ladies at this age!). I am anxious as I guess most ladies who have had treatment are? But it is well over a year ago that I had my chemo, Mastectomy etc… but I do worry that it will come back and what the outcome of that will be… I guess in a way I am paranoid about checking for a recurrance every day and maybe that’s why this is happening? I am making myself panic??? I don’t know???
What I am trying to say is I am sure it’s just your body re-adjusting to life adter the upset of knowing what could have happened to it! Hope that makes sense?
Lynn
Hi Lynn
You have summed it up very well. Panic attacks happen, I think, after the dust has settled and is in response to long periods of anxiety and terror. I guess whilst we are on alert during treatment, the adrenaline is full flowing and once everything has settled, the adrenaline doesnt know how to switch itself off and kind of short circuits. The best way I found of dealing with them was to try to ignore them. When I felt one starting I would carry on and try not to give it any acknowlegement. They soon die down if you dont add more panic to the original panic. I also found if I was hungry they would be more severe as adrenaline is pumped out when blood sugar low.
So our legacy to BC is panic attacks., What a choice!!
Best wishes
Cathy
x
Not heard from you for a few days sweetie and hope that your coping ok. You have my email address and as I have said before If you need to talk just mail me. I hope your silence means you have had a nice cancer worry free weekend?
I am afraid I have an infection in my wound and it looks like it could be MRSA, really don’t need that. Mum has her MRI this week on Friday to find out if her Cancer has spread.
Hope to catch up with you soon sweetie.
J xxx
Dear Jules,sorry i haven’t been in touch.Not having a great time to be honest.I’m sorry to hear that you’re not great either.My problem,however,is a psychological one.I’ve got myself into a terrible state.I’m living on the sofa.Constant panic attacks like i’ve never had before.I wake up,panic,take diazepam then sleep.I can’t eat as i have no appetite at all.Even the sight of food makes me feel sick and as vomiting is my worst phobia,this makes me panic more.I only see my hubby at weekends as he is away mon to fri and this last weekend i think i saw him for about 4 hours in total as i was knocked out by tranquillisers the whole time.Phoned my doctor and she’s phoned the head psychiatrist in Cambs to get me an emergency appointment so hopefully won’t be too long until they come and see me.Anyway enough about me,what are the doctors going to do about your infection?Just when you think everything is ok,you get something else to worry about.I really hope you’re better soon.Also,i hope everything goes alright with your Mums MRI.Thinking of you both.Keep me posted if that’s ok.Lots of love xxxxx
Aww sweetie I am sorry you are having such a hard time. You really are suffering. Is there anything more your doctor can do to help you. My daughter is about to start Cognative behavioural Therapy. Maybe that could be an option for you. I have had depression and know how debilitating it can be for you and my daughter.
I am not too bad. You really must come and join fb, there is such a friendly network of kind ladies on there.
My mum has her mri scan on Friday to find out if her cancer has spread so feeling a bit fragile plus this infection or the antibiotics are making me really sick.
I have been thinking of you and hoped to hear from you before I go off to Turkey with my lovely hubby for a holiday this week.
Your hubby sounds like mine, absolutely wonderful. What would we do without them eh. Some of my friends continue to date right idiots and I am so so thankful that I have such a rock in my life.
I really hope that you can get some respite soon from this horrible situation.
Love Jules xxxxx