Am I being silly, I know you guys will make me feel better!

This is my third cancer operation. I am having a lumpectomy on Friday to get better margins. When I had the irst operation everyone was calling me to wish me luck, arranging to come over to see me.

Maybe its because I really play the Cancer down and don’t talk about it much, but a few people I have said are you going to be able to pop around and see me next week. The replies have been oh sorry going away next week, Oh I am reall busy with work next week, etc etc. Ok I don’t expect people to change going away, but its the whole attitude this time compared to last. I was quite poorly last time and ended up back in hospital with complications. Just feeling a bit sorry for myself today. :frowning:

No, you’re not being silly, not in your observation that other people are less interested this time nor in being hurt by it (even if the reasons are good). People who don’t have experience of cancer perhaps expect one big dramatic operation followed either by a terminally ill skeleton or someone who is completely ‘cured’. To be fair to some, it is holiday season now for those who don’t have children at school.

If it’s your third op, you’re entitled to feel sorry for yourself, but I hope this one gets the margins and that you feel better in yourself once it’s over.

Good luck.


Not silly at all!

I think Mezzo is right, people just don’t get it unless they’ve been there, they probably think it’s a kind of tidy up op! Anyway, I don’t think it’s a reflection of their care just of thier knowledge (or lack of!)Doesn’t stop it being painful and upsetting to you though.

You’ve every right to feel sorry for yourself, try to be gentle with yourself though, good luck with the op, sending you cyber hugs, Julie x

reminds me of having children. My husband made such a fuss of me when i was pregnant with my first and lots of freinds and relations came round after she was born and i felt so special.

by the time I was pregnant with my third all the support dissapeared and I felt as if I was just supposed to get on with it.

sorry you cannot realy compare having a baby to having BC surgery, but the way people reactions change is the same–as if they are saying,well you managed the last two times so whats the fuss.

The fuss for you is the last time you hoped it was the last and here you are again and wether its your first second or third you are still having an operation and need to get over the anesthetic, pain and worry over results. I can see that people cannot change plans to go away,but too busy with work is a lame excuse.

so no you are not being silly. Trouble is I dont know if you can change how people feel and react. Hopefully just having ranted on here will make you feel better.

Good luck on friday, hopefully you wont get the same complications and hopefully the margins will be good this time

Hi Stargazerlily,

Sorry you’re feeling a bit down today and you’re not being silly at all. I’m with the others on this one…

Undergoing any operation is a huge deal, and maybe you’re right that ‘playing down the cancer’ means that your friends may feel that you are coping really well and you have ‘been there, done that walk in the park kind of scenario’ and that they’re not needed as much this time - but as we all know it is easier sometimes to play down our true feelings as we don’t want to see friends and family upset or worried (for me that is the worst thing to set me off) so always try to be positive. Too busy with work I agree is a bit of a cop out.

I really hope that everything goes well for you on Friday and it is Wed today, so there is still time for people to call you - Friday will be at the forefront of your mind as it draws nearer, I hope your friends will be there if you really need them, you may need to let them know though (I’m the biggest culprit for thinking my friends are mind readers) - they could also just be giving you some space to not add to your thinking about your operation, knowing how ill you were last time.

All the very best of luck for Friday, I hope they get the margins and bestest wishes for the speediest recovery and I’m sure you’ll be back on here letting us all know how you get on and how you are doing.

Hugs n Squeezes
Bev x

Thanks guys, I do kinda think its cos I play it down. I called one friend who I had not heard for ages and he reply was “you seemed to be doing so well, and I took it no news was good news” I have to confess to being a little hurt about that.

I am annoyed with myself for being so upset about it all today, when there are more important things to worry about than friends. My friends are really good, and they have been supportive. I know the reasons are genuine, but Its all of it all put together thats making me feel low.


dont be annoyed with yourself about being upset. you have all the reason in the world to be stressed with an operation coming up and all that is going on

I agree, try not be annoyed - easier said than done when emotions start to take over. ‘No news is good news’ - not surprised you were hurt by that, no news doesn’t stop the natural worry and only when the ‘black and white’ arrives can you deal with things…

I remember feeling ‘disappointed’ and ‘annoyed’ after my mx and snb when told I needed full node clearance, wasn’t expecting that one and was angry that I had to go through the whole ‘op’ scenario again, just when I was beginning to heal and feel a bit more ‘normal’ - plus it delayed starting chemo by 4 weeks, which I just wanted to get on with.

I hope you manage to get through today relatively sane and hopefully tomorrow will be a better for you.

Bev x


Do you know how long you will be in hospital. As we have established on a different thread I am within easy driving distance to you. Don’t sit there feeling miserable and unloved. make contact via pm with details when the time is right and I could come with cake to help put the world to rights

Take care


SGL - wot they all said, apart from the cake (I’m probably not in the same area. But I would if I were.)

No, you’re not being silly, and yes, you have every reason to feel disappointed and a teensy bit angry. So don’t follow up those feelings with the oh-so-common guilt about your feelings.

Best of luck for Wednesday. I only had one re-excision and I can very clearly remember the massive relief when that came back clear, I can only imagine the disappointment you must have had. It IS a big deal, and we understand.



SGL, so sorry to hear you have to go for an additional operation, no operation is trivial in our minds, and the relentlessness of the whole cancer treatment means that we do need constant support.

I have also worried at times that people were starting to forget that I still need support. At the beginning people were very solicitous and then half way through the chemo the telephone went a bit quiet … the novelty wore off I guess, people saw I was coping ok with the whole thing and went back to their lives, especially so during the summer when there are holidays and more things to do.

I have reacted to this by talking to people directly and honestly about my ongoing need for support. and people have responded very positively. you could ask them, ok if they can’t do that day but you are finding support really helpful and could they be available perhaps a few days later or earlier? I think that people in general are very happy to be asked to support you.

good luck for your op, we’re all here rooting for you.

Thank you ladies, I think I have just reached what could only be described as the end of my tether as (see other post) I cried today for half an hour, and boy did I cry. I think maybe I am crying for everything today. (Oh god its started again while I am typing this) lol

Thanks for your support it does mean an awful lot. Its nice knowing I can come on here and express how I am feeling and people will understand.


Hmmmm I’ve been so ‘Positive’ and ‘Brave’ so I’m told but I just started with tears this week (6th wk of process) I however have found my friends to bemore solid and dependable than I had expected how bad is that… This forum is fantastic and i send you big hugs xxx