Am I fooling myself?

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Hi all

I’ve been on the site for a while now - and tonight spent ages reading through threads I haven’t read before. I’m now beginning to wonder if I’m fooling myself, or if I’m suddenly going to be hit with some massive realisation soon…

I had a mastectomy and full node clearance on 13th Nov, and started chemo on 28th.

I have seen so many posts where people say they don’t like how they look, or can’t look at the scar, don’t like the bald head etc etc.

I can honestly say that both me and hubby saw scar the day after the op., I regularly shower and stand in front of the mirror to check how scar is healing etc and it has never bothered me. I have never fet any repulsion, or feeling of loss etc.

I have also now lost most of my hair - and again, when I see my reflection, I just see myself staring back, but with no hair. I don’t feel like I’ve changed at all.

Please don’t feel that I am ‘gloating’ in being able to accept all of this - because I am now beginning to wonder if I am really coping, or if I’m shutting something out and it’s going to come and hit me between the eyes soon.

I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else has found that they are completely accepting of everything that has happened to them.
My OH says it’s just the way I am but now I’m not sure. Maybe I should try counselling to see if I’m burying anything - or maybe I’m just looking for something that isn’t there??

Or maybe I just read toooooo much!

Sorry for going on…

Margaret x

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Hi Margaret,

I haven’t had surgery yet, (due Jan) but don’t fear losing my breast, and do not think I will be freaked out by the scar (feel free to remind me of this when I do!!!) I have had chemo, and have lost my hair. I shaved it before it had chance to fall, and actually felt liberated in a sort of way, and have no problems with my bald head. I have often taken my scarf/hat off in front of friends, and usually wear a bandana while in public (well, before the weather turned a bit colder anyway!) I lost my eyebrows and eyelashes, and do miss them a little, as mascara was usually the only makeup I wore daily, but I know they will grow back.
I have been very ‘accepting’ on the surface, which for me I think is was response partly to help others around me cope. I did this mainly for my mum as she was so distraught when I was dx (in July) and for my partner who I have been with for 2 years, and was also very upset. I recently had a ‘moment’ when during some bickering with my partner (we were both tired) we degenerated into a bit of a row, and I ended up totally freaking out and throwing stuff around. I’ve been ok since, but it made me realise however calm I may appear on the surface, like a swan gliding on a lake, there’s an awful lot of frantic paddling going on under the surface. Just recognise it if and when it happens, (it may not!!) and get someone you can talk to openly, if not your partner or a friend, maybe your BCN or someone on the BCC helpline.
Good luck!

Shannon
x

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Hi Margaret

I think you should just accept how you are and not look for problems, you sound very level headed about it all to me, everybody copes with things differently, there is no right or wrong about it.

In fact I hope when I lose my hair I hope I will be exactly like you becuase at the moment I dont know how will be, after all it is only temporary, so hopefully I will be

Good luck with your future treatments

Linda

XXXXXXXX

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Hi Margaret. Glad to read your toughts. I had a lumpectomy late Sept 07 Nov5th I had a mastectomy with recon, Dec I had to have my nipple removed. All of which I have ‘just got on with’ ,I dont know any other way!! Decisions re Chemo and /or rads have yet to come. NOW That really scares me!1 I must say this forum allows me now to consider the thought. Just by reading others. Let me kow how you progress. Best of luck
coleen

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Hi Maraget

I am the same - I just accepted it straight away

To be honest I feel lucky that I live somewhere in the world which means I can be treated

My operation was 26th Nov.

I also was worried that it might hit me later but so far nothing - I just get a bit tetchy on the days when I think I’m going to get all my results - there have been several of these but not all results ready yet

are you generally good in a crisis? I am and I think that’s why we are like this …

keep smiling
FizBix

PS If I do experience any mental chnages you’ll be the first to know!

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Hi Margaret and FixBiz and other brave ladies - must say I’m with you on this. Still just feel (and think I look like) me, just going through something of a challenge. Actually I find challenges rather interesting, and up to now, basically I feel fine. Like you, I am very aware that this is much harder for some people to cope with than others and I am just really grateful that I feel like this at the moment. I am aware emotions can change at any time, and I have a long way to go. But so far, so good! I don’t think it means we have lots of repressed emotions ready to come pouring out, but that we have this, and at the moment we’re able to deal with it. We’re lucky. The chemo nurse said to me today how amazed she is at the strength of the ladies going through this and how many simply say “well, I’ve just got to get on with it”. And so we will! Sarah x

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Thanks all for your replies

I guess maybe hubby’s right - it is just the way I am.

And yes FizBix - I do normally cope in a crisis, I think that’s why I just have a ‘let’s get on with it’ attitude. After all, I can’t change any of it, so why worry.

Once again thanks for your replies

Margaret x

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Hi Margaret,

Just wanted to say that I have been through mastectomy, node clearance, chemo, rads and reconstruction in the last 8 months and have also not been fazed by it.

Losing my breast and nipple and hair actually didn’t bother me. My surgeon and medical team couldn’t believe how well I coped, and with the surgery and treatment too and I have really enjoyed experimenting with different wigs.

I have said it to my boyfriend many times that I can cope with cancer. However learning to drive which I was doing just prior to being diagnosed I’m finding a little tougher to grasp. O god, back in the driving seat come the new year for me.

Anyways Well done so far and Merry Christmas,

Teacup xx

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Hi Margaret
It was so lovely to read your post. I do have moments when I feel my body is so different and that it is no longer my own(actually felt like that in reponse to the onslaught of chemo, with loss of senses and that odd once removed feeling that the drugs induce more than surgery perhaps). And I ahve times when I miss the simplicity of the way things were. But I have very few feelings of revulsion and have resisted the ones I have had. Partly I think because I had a lot of faith in the surgeon who did my operation. I really do believe he operates with the genuine intention of healing, that he cared about the medical and aesthetic outcome and that helped me I think. I also think I’ve been through enough - why should I also torture myself by thinking I’m repulsive?! So, I don’t think you are deluding yourself. I think you are having a healthy and constructive response. Thanks for the post and for this thread.
Jo
xxxx

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Hello Margaret

What you wrote I could have written myself.

Since diagnosis in March and after two days of initial shock (who wouldn’t have had that?), I just set my intention to get on with it all. Very quickly I decided that having cancer was never the number one feature in my life - there were far more worthy things to focus on, such as work (I am a single parent), and hobbies - and who wants to give in to this bully called cancer anyway?

I had chemo before surgery and had a really bad time with nausea, but despite that I did not miss a day’s work (if I was going to feel nauseous, I would rather accomplish a day in the office than sit at home wondering what to do with myself - and still feel nauseous!) apart from two bouts in hospital with neutropenia.

I finished chemo in September and had a mastectomy on 12th November (no lymph nodes removed, thankfully, and that makes one hell of a difference).

The mastectomy was a walk in the park compared to chemo, and since the operation I have not even had one single paracetamol. And until I think, talk, or write about the whole thing, I forget I have ever had a breast removed (I wear a “comfie” in my bra - I am 36C, or at least the left one is!). I look at the scar in the mirror and think nothing of it, it is just a legacy of something I went through, a battle I have won. Reconstruction after rads is, of course, an option.

So yes, I can appreciate how you are accepting of all of what is happening to you. I am not putting on a brave act at all and just want to get on with the rest of my life, because after all those awful chemicals that have been injected into me I hope there are many years ahead of me. I have complete confidence in the people who are treating me (from consultant to junior nurse, or should that be the other way around?) and cannot praise the NHS enough - the treatment I have received is world class and I hope that you girls out there can feel the same.

We are all different and react to situations (let alone cancer) in many different ways. Stick by whatever is right for you, but in the knowledge that there is help for you if you need it, for example on this wonderful website.

Bubs XX

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Thanks guys

Teacup - good luck with the driving. I have been driving for almost 30 years - but haven’t driven the car much folowing my op in November - however decided to take myself off shopping last week. I had ful node clearance so arm was a touch sore following op, but felt I had done well with exercises, so driving should be a breeze - and it would have been it if hadn’t been for all the ice on the roads! I have to confess to being a bit of a ‘racer’ before - this time i stuck to 40 miles an our all the way into town - and that was my top speed - most of the time it was more like 25 - 30. But I have to say it was sheer bliss wandering round the shops on my own - OH at work, daughters at work/school - heaven !

Jo - thanks for your comments - I had a lovely female surgeon who went out of her way to explain everything to me, talked me through everything, explained what she would do and why she was doing it etc etc so that helped immensely.

Bubs - we appear to very similar - other than that treatment was reversed (in that I had mastectomy first). I was diagnosed on 1 Nov, Grade 3, 3cm Invasive ductal, and her2+, had bone/lung/liver scans on 8th, right mastecomy & full node clearance (5 of 11 affected) on 13th - (so day after you!) , and started chemo on 28th.My treatment regime now is 4 x fec, 16 x rads, 4 x taxotere and then a year of herceptin.

I have to agree with you - I have just had my second chemo (FEC) today - compared to the chemo the mastecomy was a breeze. I like you had no painkillers other than the injected ones immediately after op and then one day of paracetamol. I’m the same size as you - and in the left one too! - and still wearing comfie - in fact often joke to OH that at 46 the comfie definitely makes the real one look droopy lol!

I am so envious of you going back to work - that was my intention originally, and my boss was being so good about how and when I could work - kind of left it up to me. I work for the health board that are treating me in a desk job. Unfortunately my first chemo knocked me for 6 - of the 21 days between treatment I can honestly say I only had about 3 where I could stay awake all day! Have to say that the second one appears to be better (though it’s early yet lol!)
But after a lot of thought - and a lot of insurance forms! - I have decided to postpone going back - I have a 9 year old daughter and to be honest felt that it was so unfair to be irritable/tired/and generally a pain in the arse for 2 weeks - to then pack her off to a childminder as soon as I felt well enough to work. The days I felt well I just wanted to catch up with all the things I hadn’t done. It will be hard - I haven’t been with them long so don’t qualify for much sick pay other than SSP but I guess it’s just a change of priorities.

I do agree with you about the treatment - I have nothing but praise for all the staff who have been involved in my treatment - i have not had a ‘bad’ one yet - they have all been lovely.

Take care all
margaret x

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Margaret

I had a mastectomy in May and haven’t been particulalry bothered about loosing a breast - it was better than the alternative! Both my husband and my 7 year old daughter saw the surgery the day it was done (my daughter has a fascination with body parts!) and I have always been very open and honest with both of them. I guess it depends on how you feel about your own body and what your relationship is like. I had a very similar attitude to Bubs and see my scar as a medal of honour. Although I must say that my surgeon has done an excellent job and i have had many positive comments about my scar - so maybe it is a work of art!

Good luck with your chemo - you will get through it - just take one day at a time and it will soon go by.

Love and light

lois x

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Thanks Lois

Fortunately we are all quite open in my family - my eldest daughter (21) was the only one with reservations about seeing the scar - my youngest (9) was quite fascinated - came in the shower and said ‘will it grow back’ to which I replied no lol - she then said ’ well it looks ok considering what was there before!’ - wasn’t quite sure how to take that lol!

I must admit I am the same as you - most of my female relatives - aunts & nieces - have seen the scar (because I’m forever asking if they want to lol) and all say how well it looks.

Thanks for the good luck - I do adopt the one day at a time stance now - it’s much more manageable.

take care
margaret x