Ok, here goes, I wanted to write this post because I am beginning to wonder if I am normal or am I in denial. Here goes…
Three years ago in 2008 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was absolutely distraught and found it very hard to speak to mum without breaking down as I was petrafied she would die. Two months into her diagnosis, I found a lump. I went to my gp and was told to go away and I was being paranoid due to mums diagnosis. I rang up the BCC helpline and told them I knew there was a lump and what should I do. They told me I must go back and ask to be referred. I went back and this time she waved her hands in the air and told me to go away and stop being so dramatic. I was very worried by this time, so went to a walk in GP centre, and low and behold the lump was found straight away by the doctor. I was beside myself because the shock of actually being told I had a lump after being dismissed was really awful. The doctor in question faxed my GP insisting I was referred urgently. My doctor did refer me but gave me a choose and book appointment, and I had to wait nearly four weeks for an appointment as she still didnt see me as urgent. I wont bore you all with the details, but between being seen, having core biopsy and FNA going back for the results, and then being told I would need surgery as the results were inconclusive, and then waiting for the histology after the lump was removed it was 10 weeks! In all that time I was petrafied it was BC even though 9 out of ten lumps are benign, and even though the doctor at the hospital said althought it was inconclusive, and he felt it should come out to be on the safe side, he said he felt it would turn out to be benign. Luckily it was. But due to other facts on mums side it was decided I should have a family history mammogram yearly.
The last two years I have had the mammograms and everything has been fine. I had one this year on the 15th Feb and on the 26th of feb I got the dreaded letter asking me to come back for more tests. I felt sick to my stomach, and was asked to go back on the 1st of March. Unlike last time, the doctors would not give me any reassurances, but said it looked very much like DCIS a very large area of it. I had a prone biopsy and was diagnosed with DCIS on 10th March, the day before the Japanese Earthquake. Now this is the thing. In between the diagnosis, we had a family christening which I went along too. And I was fine, not really worried, even though deep down I knew I had Cancer. I was given my diagnosis, but also told they had seen another suspicious area, and I needed to have another mammogram, I felt sick with worry. I went back into see the doctor and was told not its a crease in the skin. I said wonderful, I am so happy etc etc. The nurse said, do you understand you still have cancer. I said yes I do but its ok, its DCIS etc. She said you seem to be taking it very well. I was told to go back to the clinic on the following Monday to discuss treatment plan etc. I was calm all over the weekend, felt a bit worried, but not terror or anything like that. I went back on the Monday and was given a surgery date on the 25th March for a lumpectomy. I was told that due to the fact that the DCIS covered a large area and was high grade there was a strong possibility there would be invasive cancer too. I left there thinking its cool, I can deal with it. I had friends coming over, ringing up, sending cards, flowers, chocolates, you name it, and you know what I actually felt a fraud, like I should not be getting all this treatment from them all.
I had the surgery and ended up quite poorly with a kidney infection which crossed the breast and the gasterenteritis. My breast “exploded” where the infection was and I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance as it was literally pumping out fluid and I could not stop being sick. I spent 24 hours in A & E in good spirits, feeling yukky but mentally ok. Anyway on the 13th April I went back for my results to be told I had invasive cancer and that I would now need to have the sentinel biopsy to see if the cancer had spread. I went home got on with stuff and generally wasn’t worried. I had the odd moment when I though what if, but on the whole I was fine. I again had friends and family giving me the most amazing support and saying how amazed they were at how I was coping, but I didn’t feel amazing, because I genuinely was not worried and felt certain I would be ok. I was told that they did not have clear Margins and because the DCIS was so extensive that a mastectomy was really the best option. I had my Sentinel Node Biopsy waited 10 days and the result was clear thank god and yes I jumped for joy and yes I was happy. But deep down I knew it would all be Ok. I have had the odd few moments of being scared but on the whole I have not been that worried at all. I had MRI scan and will get the results on th 31st May, again I feel confident it will all be ok. I know that a mastectomy is very very likely to be the outcome, and I am even strongly considering a bilateral so as not to risk this damn disease coming back.
Now, I am the biggest worrier ever, I worry about silly things, and I would have bet a million pounds beforehand that if I was told I would get Cancer, I would be distraught and not be able to deal with it, but I am not. I am coping, I worry a bit but on the whole I am calm and think I will be ok.
My main worry has been that my children would be affected and that there exams would suffer. My daughter is at Uni and son doing his alevels.
Am I in denial, am I going to crash and burn and it will hit me one day.
Sorry about the long post, but after reading on here the normal way that people seem to be dealing with it, and the way I would have bet a million pounds I would be dealing with it, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I wonder if it denial and one day it will hit me like a train.
Thanks for reading this.
SGL