ambush
ambush This last Wednesday, 7th December, was the date I mark mentally as my “diagnosis anniversary”, viz. the day I realised I had breast cancer. The eventual formal diagnosis was very serious (Inflammatory Breast Cancer) so was rushed into chemotherapy treatment the next working day. Twelve months later I am still in treatment but I am now continually rehearsing the horrific events of the past appalling year.
I learned the news by seeing my screening mammogram films when I was invited to attend the regional screening centre for “further tests”. I thought I was attending for further pictures to be taken (my extremely large breasts had caused film exposure failure in previous years) so was completely unprepared for seeing the unmistakable images on the X-rays already taken. I knew what I was looking at:and immediately went into shaking shock. (The “further tests” of course turned out to be biopsies.) My immediate reaction was outrage, which quickly gave way to terror. Above all I keep revisiting that feeling of sudden violent ambush, and the vivid experience of being torn from safe certainties and thrust into danger.
The current news of the elderly hostage held in Iraq reinforces my memories of shock, of feeling suddenly overtaken by an overpowering malevolent force and being propelled abruptly and without warning into horror, the certain prospect of suffering and the real constant threat of untimely death.
Throughout the past year I have undergone a sequence of experiences which have frankly terrified me, because the alternative would effectively be a form of postponed suicide. After finally completing the rigours of radiotherapy and starting Herceptin treatment I was starting to feel a little more stable but then tests showed Herceptin was having an adverse effect on my heart and could quite possibly be withdrawn, depending on the result of a further test next week. So now I feel I am back in that danger zone and being ambushed all over again.
Hello Hi there,
When I read your posting I can really sense your fear, and I’m so sorry and sad that you have going through such a frightening time again.
The whole experience of breast cancer is terrifying, from initial diagnosis and through all the horrid treatments. I think the metaphor of being ambushed is a really appropriate one to use.
You have survived the treatments so far, and look how far you’ve come in the past 12 months. Yes, you are in a place of uncertainty at the moment, and hopefully you will be able to continue with the Herceptin. If not, this time you do have the experience of the last year to pull on to keep you focused on getting well and doing all you can to beat this dreadful disease.
My thoughts are with you today, and I hope that you are able to find some peace within yourself.
Lots of love,
Flora xx
Hi Just to say I hope too you are having a more peaceful day. As Flora says you have already come so far and sometimes we do feel frustrated and depressed that the treatment or experience of having cancer never seems to end. Living with the fear is harder than anything I have had to face in the past. All I can say to you is that I understand and that it is important to keep talking about your fears. That is what is really good about these forums, you can express what you are feeling to people who do really understand and care.
Lots of hugs
Cath x
Fear —You’ve obviously had a terrible year. Many people on the forums will empathise with that and remember how they felt in the first few months. I think we all get so used to feeling that we are in control of our lives that when we find ourselves with a cancer diagnosis it is a shock that may take a long time to come to terms with. I hope that you got through 7th December as best you could and that you will come back and tell us what your results show.
Susan
jpoet — Just to let you know that I hope all goes well for you this week.
What you are feeling is understandable with what you have been through. I know what you mean about ‘ambush’. I think it is this total lack of control that makes us so vulnerable to these feelings. After constant misdiagnosis, lost files, incorrect treatments, etc, etc., I feel that I trust NO-ONE in the medical profession - but where else do I go?
Please let us know how you go on this week, and hopefully feel more confident in your own worries, knowing that there are many of us who understand them.
Joy x
jpoet Am I right in thinking new results from San Antonio show that Herceptin on a much smaller scale than had been previously thought also has a very good result. I’m sure trial results from Finland show huge improvements with only 3xHerceptin alongside chemos.
I stand to be corrected but am sure this is the gist, if so this looks good for you even tho you have had to stop H. You have hd a r*ddy awful time of it and there’s no harm in acknowledging that.
As for feeling ambushed we can relate to that, no one here took the news well, all of us relive the cr*p times. I am now 15 months on from dx and feel much more accepting of what has happened, I think with time you get to a calmer place in your mind, but there is no way to rush it. I spent the summer struggling incredibly badly, now it seems that was happening to someone else, I did nothing to make that happen it just came along on its own.
Hope it does for you too.
Steph x