Angry about cancer

I am a 64 year old lady whose daughter was diagnosed in August with breast cancer. Each time she has been to the hospital it seems to be more bad news. She had a lumpectomy last month and 2 nodes removed but after seeing the surgeon again she was told that it had spread and so now she has to have 18 weeks chemo then a mastectomy and then radiotherapy. I feel so helpless and useless at knowing what to say because I cry about it and I think I may embarass people. Is there any mum out there who I could talk to who has been through it and are all the emotions I’m feeling normal?

sorry I am not really the right sort of person to help. But if you ring the help line they will chat to you, they are not just there for technical questions but for anyone who need support because of cancer. They might know of another mum in your situation that they can put you in one to one conact with someone who’s daughter is having treatment.

Of course you cry, its only natural, she is your daughter. She probaby tries to put on a brave face so as not to worry you, but i bet she has shed many a tear too.

there might be someone else along with more relavent experiance soon.

Hi Twiggy

I don’t have children so I am not really the right sort of person either but just wanted to say that it is quite normal to cry, my dad did when I told him.

My mum is no longer with us but if she had been I would have wanted her to give me a big cuddle and we would probably have cried together.

You sound like a lovely mum and your daughter will need all the support you can give her, I’m sure the tears will dry up as time goes on but it is very early days for you both.

love to you both
DaisyGirl xx

Hi Twiggy, sorry you and your daughter are going through this horrible journey. There will be lots off support for you both on here.
Im afraid i cant help as thankfully i am not in the position you are in but you are entitled to feel angry and cry i would if my child had this rotten disease.
I am the daughter, who at 42 developed breast cancer and when i got told mum passed out in hospital. She has been very tearfull and down along our journey as have the rest of the family. We have cried and believe it or not laughed together. Somehow you will find the strength to get through this. We have.
I am having my 5th chemo tom then radiotherapy as i had my op in may. Imm not saying it is easy as it isnt but being on the forum has been a pkwer of strength to me.
Im sure someone will be along to help you soon. Big hugs Sharon xx

Thank you so much Sharon, hugs are beautiful. Like you and your family we have laughed and cried but when I’m alone I’m afraid my imagination tends to run away with me and daughters are so precious. Sally starts her chemo on the 3rd November so I know I have to get my head round it. I expect your mum probably said the same as me but I just wish I could take it from her. She’s being very strong but I know at times she sometimes screams and shouts. She has a 5 year old daughter herself and a month old grandson, so has a lot she needs to get better for and I know we can do it but why do I doubt myself. How I hate this disease!!! Hope all goes well with your chemo tomorrow Luv Geri xxx

The best thing I have ever done is sign up to this site. Thank you so much I can already feel the love you have for each other pouring out and I no longer feel so alone and isolated.xx

Twiggy, you are most definitely not alone. We’re all here and there are some other mums who post on here so I’m sure one of them will be along at some point :slight_smile:

I’m 45 and have never needed my mum more than when I was diagnosed last year. You’ll have to wait and see how much she needs your help when she’s on chemo - people’s side effects vary so widely - some are very sick and some don’t suffer too much. At least these days the anti sickness meds are good and they usually manage to get them adjusted pretty quickly. She might want to be very independent and try to do as much as she can, or she might need you to stay close by. You’ll just have to play it by ear and follow her lead.

I just pray my daughter never gets this disease, but if she does I know I’d gladly have it again instead.

The best things you can do is to be there for her, hug each other and talk to each other.

All the very best to you and Sally,

Jane xxx

Hi Twiggy and welcome to the BCC forums

As your fellow users have suggested, please feel free to call our helpline on 0808 800 6000 for a listening ear and information about further support for you and your daughter, the lines are open 9-5 weekdays and 9-2 Sat.

Best wishes

Hi Twiggy,
Im also a daughter who was diagnosed at 41. Im incredibly close to my mum and we have gone through this experience together. she has come to every hospital appt, she has held me when ive cried, she has helped me with the children and she was with me at my final appointment when they told me there was NO EVEIDENCE OF DISEASE. My mum has been very strong infront of me but i know that she has found is hard especially as we lost my dad recently to cancer. I didnt think it would be possible, but we are actually closer than we ever were. I have no doubt you will both come through this TOGETHER. You are not alone, this site has been an absolute godsend to me and I have met some fantastic friends.

big hugs to you and your daughter


Thanks deed, I do feel a lot closer to my daughter now though we have always been close but even more especially now. I just wish I could get over this feeling of helplessness but I suppose that is just a mum wanting to protect her child and take away anything that’s bad. How I long to hear those words that there is no evidence of the disease, you must be so relieved and your mum too. Sally says that it will always be a cloud hanging over her for the rest of her life. I know we still have a long way to go, but this has been the best thing I’ve done to join this site and already I am feeling less alone and knowing there is someone out there for me instead of burdening my daughter is such a good feeling and I am feeling the strongest I have done since her diagnosis. Wishing you and your family a long and happy life together. Big luvs Twiggy xx

hi-(Im using my daughters name to talk to you with her permission) My daughter was diagnosed in oct 2010 at the age of 22 shes had mastectomy, chemo and now herseptin and tamoxifen, its the worst thing any parent can hear that your child has cancer,however old they are. Ive had every emotion from anger to bitterness and anything else you can think of. I quickly realised that i had to be very very strong for her and the last thing she needed was me in bits when she had such a hard road ahead of her, what i was like when she wasnt there was was different but she never saw it. She has been amazing from day 1 and after her op decided to pre-empt chemo and shaved her hair off and raised £4000 for bcc and our chemo suite, then she has done leaflets and a bit on tv to raise awareness in young girls. Ive gone every step of the way with her,given her all the support she wanted and sometimes been somebody for her to shout at,but hey thats what we are there for. And now we are 1year on and we both say we cant believe its gone so fast, we’ve had bad days and good days, we’ve cried and we’ve laughed but we’ve done it together. To say im proud of her is an understatement. Im sorry about your daughter, I used to say that to people and think i knew how they felt but last october i realised i didnt know but i do now and so i can understand your feelings totally but we have to put them first so all you can do is support her and be there whenever she needs you cause she will. Please feel free to ask me whatever you want. Good luck to you both xx

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It really helped me to understand that what I’m feeling is normal. You put it so nicely that what I’m feeling my daughter will not see. I know that I will be with her every step of the way, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about this truly horrible disease. I never truly understood when people told me that one of their relatives had it, I guess I know exactly how they feel now, I don’t think anything has ever devastated me so much. Doesn’t matter how old they are you still feel the need to protect them and if I could I would happily take it from her as she has a little girl of 5 and has just been made a grandma for the first time and she needs to be there to enjoy them, I know that is her strength to recover. I just wondered if you felt like there would be a grey cloud hanging over you for the rest of your life? Your daughter is so young and I have to admire her strength to make people aware of how it can effect someone so young. I wish you both every bit of strength that you need and may God bless you both xxx

hi - yes I know what you mean about a black cloud hanging over you,it is never out of your mind whatever you do where ever you are.I still cant believe it 1 year on. I find I have no patience with anybody moaning about trivial things and your priorities in life changes,things you thought were important are not,she is the only important thing now. Thank goodness she has a wonderful boyfriend who has been there all the way with her and some good friends but her life has changed and I cant help but feel angry about that, I cant help but ask why wasnt it me, she is just starting her life,she shouldnt be having hot flushes and aches and pains at her age,but I suppose everybody who has a child with cancer thinks that how ever old they are. Her bcn once asked how we were doing and I said all I wanted to do was wrap her up and run away with her so they couldnt do anything else to her(if only we could).I have found a lot of information on this forum that has helped especially when she was having chemo and I was forarmed with all the different things she would need, I had a house full of stuff just incase she needed them and most she did. So you would really help her by having things at hand because if she is like michelle she didnt want to think about it at first and your daughters first priority will be her children.
Im thinking about you both, xx