Hello
My sister, who is 44, deaf, and lives in another European country, has breast cancer. It involves 2 of her lymph nodes. She has had a WLE of a lump that was 20 by 15mm. She lives with our parents. She is of normal IQ. Our parents cannot bear to tell her that she has ca and the surgeon has respected their wishes. My parents are deaf to my protests about this. The histopathology of the ca is still to be reported, and radiotherapy has been mentioned to my father. She is still to get her liver and bones checked. I am going to be visiting them in 5 weeks’ time. In the meantime, she must be aware of the elephant in the room, and is suffering unduly in silence. I could scream. I don’t think there is anything anyone can say. I just want to have a rant.
Hi, and welcome to the Breast Cancer Care chat forums. I am sure you will get lots of responses from your fellow forum users, but in the meantime could I suggest that when our Helpline reopens on Tuesday (after the Bank holiday) that you give them a ring and have a chat with one of the nurses here who I am sure will be able to offer you some support and possibly some ideas of how to help you through this difficult situation.
The helpline telephone number is 0808 800 6000, the calls are free and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
Hope this helps. Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator
I think what the surgeon is doing is contravening your sister’s rights. She is the patient, not your parents.It’s ridiculous. You say your parents are deaf to protests, ironic really when it is your sister who is physically deaf. Try shouting at them
or show them this.
how patronising to treat her like this at 44
Mole
Thank you, to both of you. I cried with relief Jo, at your comments.I shall phone. Molennium: I have shouted at them. My father’s response was: I was “thinking too deeply” , they would only upset her,it is more normal to be “resigned” and she is, she is not aware of anything (with a 7 inch scar and knowing she has to go back in a week for more test results), she is cheery (like them) so can’t suspect anything because she has no secrets from them (she is a lesbian for starters but they do not acknowledge this either), they know what’s best for her, I have been affected by those strange “English ways”!
Outrageous in this day and age…
Where does your sister live? I can’t believe that any doctor would keep that sort of information from the patient. I am sure it must be more than their job is worth.
Hi
Without wanting to be disrespectful to your parents and what is obviously a huge cultural difference here i cant quite get my head round how this course of action is being achieved. You say your sister is deaf, well Ok but deaf people are not incampable of communicating so how is she not getting this information. No wonder you are calling yourself Frustrated1, it must be maddening for you. I don’t think keeping someone informed on any medical condition they have can be described as strangely English.
When you visit will you be able to talk to her or will your parents not let you. It is difficult to know what to say cos it is such a bizarre situation.
It is good that you are going to ring the helpline, they are very experienced in helping with difficult situations and I hope you will be able to keep talking in here as I am sure it will be a good way for you to let off steam.
Take care
AJxxx
hello
just to update you. My sister and I “spoke” via MSN last Saturday. She said she suspected it was cancer, and she was told by the surgeon on Monday this week.
The day before,on Sunday, our parents told her, and she didn’t let on that she already knew. So she had been suffering in silence. Not only that, but she said to our parents that she had felt something for a while before , and had ignored it. In terms of treatment, things seem to be proceeding as they should. I see her in 3 weeks’ time. So I shall be able to support her face-to-face. I also rang the helpline, and got an interpretation of the results that the surgeon had handed over in written form. I explained it to my father, but he didn’t seem to understand, and gave me the impression that he had not heard any of it before. Then yesterday he said the surgeon had actually explained things. I started to wonder if he is losing his memory bigtime. I also sent a long email to my sister explaining all the jargon in the report. She just thanked me but didn’t want to chat. Her prerogative. They have breastcare nurses and relatives’ support groups, but I don’t see my relatives availing themselves of this. Still, at the moment, I have done all I can. Thanks.
Well there is some progress in as much as your parents have conceded to telling your sister - regardless of the fact that she already knew for herself. I hope that your sister is in a position to get support from the BC nurses even if your parents do not seek the support of relatives support groups. Do you think perhaps your father is not wanting to face up to the fact that his daughter has cancer - is it fear that is stopping him from accepting and admitting the situation?
I admire you for standing up to your parents on your sister’s behalf - I am sure your sister is also very grateful for the support you are offering. Sometimes MSN is a blessing as it can be easier to discuss things without being face to face and seeing the other person getting upset.
Thanks lilacblushes. And yes regarding my father- he is even referring to the cancer as a virus and an infection. Mostly he just doesn’t end the sentence when the word tumour or cancer is apt. He has said that being upset is not normal and good. My mother and he are terrified of death and distress. They tend to deal with these things by denial, and by getting someone else to give the bad news. I have to keep reminding myself that they are good people and it is their belief system that is misguided. Their lack of empathy and thoughtlessness does stagger me though. Regarding the MSN, I wish I had been there to see my sister’s distress, so that I could have given her a hug. But she had pretty much surmised she had cancer.