Hi all, was dx aprill 11 and have had wle and snb. I am now due for a further wle and lymph node clearance. I will be starting chemo in 4 weeks providing I heal ok. I have had my serious ups and downs but this week I just feel really angry. Its so not like me, and I dont even know what I am angry about. I have lovely family, friends, but just feel like it is bubbling inside. Am putting myself up to my bedroom today with DVDs as I fear I really will have a go at some poor unsuspecting person.
Is this normal? Has anyone been through simliar
thanks Jenben.
Yes, it’s all normal. Pretty much anything is normal with this stupid disease, so go right ahead and rant and rave on here, we know JUST how you feel.
I think you’ll feel a bit better once this stage is past and you move onto the next one with a bit more information. Often it’s the drip-feeding of bad news that really gets to us.
If you’re feeling really cross, some people find they feel better if they take out their anger on the housework or gardening. Don’t know if that’d be an idea for you. And you might still feel just as angry at the end but at least you’ll have a tidy house or garden at the end of the day…
Here, have a virtual hug, sounds like you could do with it.
CM
x
Jenben, you’re angry at the cancer, this bloody awful shitty thing that’s happening to us.
Just try not to misdirect it towards your loved ones. OH and I used to row about nothing for 2 weeks after my DX until we realised that we were angry at the cancer, not at each other. I still get snappy, but I do understand now what it is.
Hi Jenben,
I too had an angry blip in between first op (mx and SNB) and getting results then having to go back in for full clearance 4 weeks after mx.
I couldn’t get my head around it at first, as I stupidly thought I would be having surgery once, then chemo, then back to some normality - just didn’t even register in my head that I may need further surgery (or maybe I just wasn’t taking it all in), so looking back to that time (9 weeks ago now) I put it down to the intial diagnosis mid-march, so much info being thrown in my direction that I couldn’t properly absorb everything, everything happening so quick and stupid assumptions as to how my journey was going to pan out in my head but it was going to be longer due to the second surgery, which was never anticipated.
I also at the time didn’t know what I was angry about, but even got angry for feeling so bl**dy angry all the time - no control over what was happening to me and just had to try to accept it - took some getting used to.
Not sure if my experience will help you or not, but I hope the anger dissipates and gets a little easier for you. It’s raining out today, so I’m going slug hunting (cos I hate the slimey blighters) to throw into my next door neighbours garden - they’ve got chickens, but their yappy dog is also getting on my nerves. Vent safely.
Good luck
Bev x
Jenben it made me angry too. Made OH angry, it seems to be a process, acceptance will come then you can move on. I still get blips and so does OH. When he starts talking about my iphone, I know he’s in a mood and to keep my head down. Weird or what?
Hi
Thanks for that! I didn’t want to vent again at my OH so you were my port of call. Yes angry at the cancer and you are right angry at the delay in treatment. I had had it all planned -surgery, chemo, rads, herceptin, tamoxifen. Then was told need full axillary clearance and further margins. I found the ward such an invasion of privacy and knew everybody’s business and cancer grade. I never asked just could hear nurse/patient conversations and in turn knew they must know about me. I am a very private person and I realised I am dreading this side.of things again.
It helps massively hearing all. Your thoughts and experiences and yes I will vent safely and be nice to my loved ones (for now!) .will go get some washing in…not raining here in cloudy Yorkshire
Hip chick -why the iPhone?
Hi,
I didn’t have to endure the busy ward scenario as I had a bad reaction under aneasthetic (and I’ve never had problems before) and they put me in a room on my own as had to be closely monitored post first surgery with the crash cart outside my door. I was put in the same room for my second op, just in-case I reacted to any other drug the gasman decided to experiment with.
I only found out that I would be having herceptin after my full clearance when I saw my onc for the first time to discuss my chemo regime - that was another shocker, never anticipated being tied to hospital until next summer, particularly as the parking situation there is horrendous, thought I’d be done by xmas 2011 and had planned a month away skiing - denied. My onc then told me I wouldn’t be having reconstruction surgery until 12 months after Rads (my surgeon didn’t mention that one!) so probably xmas 2012 before I finish, unless something else crops up in the meantime.
Hipchick - can understand the iphone, I know when my other half is in a mood and I need to ‘pipe down’ or back off a bit, as he will noisily make a brew and declare sanctuary to go tidy his garage again - it is more spotless than the house, he has carpet and a reclining chair in there too. Funny eh?
It’s only drizzling here in Lancashire now and looks light brightening up.
Jenben OH bought me the iphone just befoe my op. I was suitably grateful but when he’s in a mood he always asks me about the phone, how I’m getting on with it, and why do I never answer it. He phoned me yesterday and I’d got it on vibrate as I was in the hospital. Guess he was phoning to see how I was and as I didn’t check to see if he’d phoned he was feeling as though his thoughtfulness had gone unnoticed, which it had. I think we all know the little warning signs when something is brewing, and it’s just one of those. It’s hard on family too, as well as us.
Feelings are so complex aren’t they in this journey. I can understand the iPhone and I think sometimes OH don’t know what to do and just seem to get it wrong when they try. I forced the issue early on with the herceptin as I saw her+ on my notes. The bcn didn’t want t bombard me too early on but I need to know what I am faced with. In Bradford they have a herceptin nurse who comes to the house and runs the iv thro every 3 weeks. I guess that saves on parking fees, but nevertheless the long haul is still there. When I discussed mx which they decided against they told me reconstruction was at least 12 months due to high demand for curative surgery but can totally understand why the wait is so frustrating. I have come to assume none of this will be straightforward and think that is a better starting point than being always disappointed
I equate all this to the feelings you can go through with grief. Anger can be part of that and is part of this.
I’ve had anger days when I’ve been angry at everything/myself/my stupid body letting me down yet again/OH/Kids on street/being skint/being bored/feeling ill/other people who never have anything wrong with them etc.
It’s horrible feeling like that but part of the process probably for most of us.
Let yourself feel it - it won’t be there for good.
xx