Any advice on how to support my mum?

Hi, i’m new…my mum was diagnosed on Friday with breast cancer. She is 55, and on her own. I went with her to hear the results, but we were both expecting the Drs to say - its just a cyst. We are going to see the consultant tomorow - Monday - to discuss when the lumpectomy will be performed. My Mum is shutting it all out. The only thing that she has said about it is “so I have 5 years then” Noone said anything like this, infact they said that the info they had so far all pointed to this being a single simple bc lump caught quickly via the mammogram screaning. But her own mother died about 15 years ago from breast cancer…I cannot seem to get through to her…I gave her the number for breast cancer care, but she doesnt want to know. Any ideas please?

Hi ferozeshahmum,

I think your mum just needs a little time - this has come as a tremendous shock I am sure, to both of you, and it is still very early days. There are quite a number of us on the forums here who have been kicking around quite some time since we were first diagnosed. For myself it has been 17 years now. I think something your mum might find helpful is to know that treatments have changed and improved a lot since her mum died. I have seen many of these changes myself - and believe I am still alive today because of them. I wonder if you can ring the clinic ahead of your visit and ask if a breast care nurse is available to be with you and your mum for the appointment - she could be very helpful to talk with your mum afterwards and explain what you will be told. Just be patient with and I am sure once a treatment plan is in place and things start happening you will find you will be able to talk to her more. Thinking of you for tomorrow

love
Dawn xxx

Until they know the extent of the problem, she has no idea how long she may live. If as you say the initial diagnosis was a single lump, there is every chance that it has been caught early.

Things have changed massively in the last 15 years, and there is no reason to believe that she has only five years to live. At the moment she is still in shock and is frightened. Your best course of action is to maintain contact but don’t force discussion. As Dawn suggests, make sure the breast care nurse is available to discuss anything that worries her (or you).

I hope the consultation with the surgeon goes well.

The best support you can give is being there for her. As she meets others going through treatment her views will probably change. It’s very early days and as dawnhc says she is in shock at the moment.

Jane

Hi ferozeshahmum

Just wanted to add that you are welcome to call the helpline yourself for support whilst you are trying to help your Mum through this difficult time, call anytime you need a listening ear or have any questions or concerns.

0808 800 6000 Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm.

Best wishes
Lucy

Hello ferozeshahmum.
I was daignosed last week and I am a bit (LOL) older than your mum. Just be there for her. Let her know that she does not have to be worrying about anything at this time. She must be in shock what with what happened to her mum. Things have changed so much.Tell your mum that I will be praying for her and will put her on the prayer plate at church as I have for everyone on this site. Be positive. I know it is not easy for you but I had the same thing with my mum. Your mum at this time has become the child and you are the leader. Dont make decissions for her but be there. Ring her every day just to say hello.
Hope all goes well
Pat

Hi

As has been said by the others above, your mum is still in shock and cancer treatment is changing all the time so what was available 15 years ago is not comparable to what is available now.
Also until the lumpectomy is performed you wont know the full diagnosis as all tumours are graded it may even be benign.

There is not much you can do for your mum at the moment except be there for her. Im sure that the time will come when she will want to talk about it and need comfort from you.

Try and go with her when she sees the surgeon and for any follow up appointments and then at least you will know what she is being told. You can then find imformation via the web to explain any treatment and therefor reassure her.

After i had my op i went back to the surgeon for the results and was then taken into a room by the breast care nurses who made us a cup of tea and explained a lot of things in a simpler way than the surgeon had, and answered lots of questions. They were brillaint and offer very good support.

Hope all goes well

Ann

xxx

Hi ferozeshahmum,

I would ditto all the advise above, I can only add that please do not be upset if your mum does appear to push you away or shut down for a while. She may just want time on her own to try and work things out. It won’t mean she won’t want your support a few days later. I only offer this bit of advice as it was how I felt during treatment, the being brave began to get to me a bit.

You sound a wonderfully supportive daughter, keep up the good work.

Take care

Carol