Any coping strategies for the anxiety?

Friends and family Supporting someone with breast cancer
41

Rich, you need to delegate a bit more - couldn’t Scott help you out? :wink:

Great news on the results, that’s a big positive and a weight off your minds, but more tough stuff is still to follow.

You were so right in one of your earlier posts about men often looking for practical solutions, coming up with the answers, getting on and doing things in the best engineering spirit, and I can see how that can be a potential cause for disagreement and lots of feelings of powerlessness for you. But your description of how you are with each other sounds deep and strong. Waiting is SUCH a hard thing to do, but sometimes there are times when sitting back and letting “the powers that be” get on with it is actually the quickest way to get to the end point. (Until they put the brakes on of course, in which case a bit of assertive communication keeps them on track!)

As treatment progresses you may find your lovely wife needs a bit more support to do “stuff”, so if you can, step back and let her keep control of things until she needs you to take over, and be ready to relinquish control again when she’s up to taking back what she sees as her role.

Nice things like unexpected treats might be welcome (the odd bunch of flowers won’t do any harm, I’m sure, or could you ask her if you can cook a romantic dinner, candles, table cloth, chocolate dessert of some kind, if you’re ok in the kitchen? I don’t know a woman who doesn’t like being treated like a princess every now and again - still have to persuade my OH of the idea!)

I think it might be because we feel so much as if control has been taken away from our lives by the disease, we don’t want any more of it to be taken away from us.

Oh, I’m sure you’ve got a much better picture of what works for the two of you, so just ignore any of that if it doesn’t fit. As for support for me, the lovely people on here are FANTASTIC! and it’s that kind of emotional support that I think I value as much as people offering me lifts to places. (Though of course people saying they’ll have the kids overnight while I’m having surgery is always a good thing, and very valued.) And after my first surgery (WLE and SNB) my lovely man let me stay at his house, and he just left me to sleep, occasionally interrupted by questions of whether I needed any food, drink or painkillers. Just what I needed.

Keep smiling if you can,

CM
x

42

Hi Rich, I’d like to second what Choccie said: you feel so powerless that you want to hang on to any control over your life and any choices you have left. And when you’re really scared and trying not to let on because you don’t want the nearest and dearest to be more upset than they are, rationality has a way of flying out the window.

Cheryl

43

I’ll have to raise my game then, as I am often spotted cooking a good spread for my wife and flowers are a fortnightly addition to the shopping/as i walk past the florist :slight_smile:

I can see totally how the control can be taken away from the person with BC and she is incredibly independant, so it is easy to tread on her toes. We will find a compromise I am sure but it doesn’t stop us OHs feeling useless and meddlesome when we can see how we think we can help :-)Though i can see that the affect can be the same as if we didn’t do anything to raise a helping hand.

As if the whole thing wasn’t hard enough :slight_smile:

Off out now for a stress busting run and a wee chat with Scott!!!

44

Hi Cheryl

Trouble is the OHs (only my own experience) still see rationality and practicality as we are not having to deal with both the physical and mental aspect, only the mental part. It is a bit of an adjustment to accept that control and decisions are to be shared, and only when our ladies are too ill etc to be involved can we make those decisions for you ourselves.

I like to think that we are only being annoying like that accidentally because we care about you so much and would go to the ends of the world to see you right, but I’ll admit there is an element of selfishness too because if we are doing something and over-helping it makes us feel less guilty.

All the very best to you and thank you all for putting your slant on it. My wife doesn’t come forward with this sort of thing very easily.

Rich

45

Hi all

First of all…apologies for not checking back on the forum. I confess that I got so scared of ‘research’ that I adopted a bit of a head in the sand mentality. We also put our trust in the medical professionals…and what a mistake that was!!!

My wife had a ‘clear’ routine mammogram in March but in June she felt a lump in her other breast. She went back to the Nottingham Breast Institute and had an ultrasound. They said they couldn’t see anything and sent her away…without so much as a letter or referral to a consultant. She didn’t tell me any of this because she didn’t want to worry me.

In October I actually felt the lump for myself. My heart sunk instantly. She then told me what had happened and that she’d been told it was down to natural hormonal changes.

Of course I wasn’t happy so we were back at the institute within days. We saw a consultant who said she was confident it was natural and another ultrasound showed nothing…but that we could have a biopsy for reassurance.

So guess what! We were called in on Tuesday and informed that it is indeed cancer. I am so annoyed and will obviously be asking for an investigation and review of practices. Knowing my wife’s history and that even ultrasound AND mammogram are not conclusive, how could they neglect her like this?

We are now waiting for a CT scan on Weds with results on Thursday. Of course we are fearing and dreading the worst.

And again, I’ve sunk straight back into depression. I’d weaned myself off anti-depressants in spring and this time the doc has referred me for counselling.

Life is so unfair!!!

46

Hi Brooktop

I am sorry to read about your wife’s recent diagnosis, I just wanted to add that you are both welcome to call our helpline for a listening ear if you feel it would help, the number to call is 0808 800 6000, the lines are open 9-5 weekdays and 9-2 Sat

Take care
Lucy

47

Hi there
so sorry to hear the news. Ur wife + I were good cyber friends throughout out primary diagnoses. We ‘met’ on Macmillan + kept in touch on that forum + by email. We both had young babies + were young ourselves and so had lots in common.
We lost touch a little once my situation worsened + my cancer spread last year. I didn’t want to drag J down + scare her as I hoped she would recover + move forward. She did email me a few months ago to see how I was , which I thought was lovely.
Please pass on my love + best wishes + let her know I’m still here if she wants to chat. Will be keeping everything crossed that the ct scan shows no further spread. Is it possible it’s a new primary? Hope that whatever it is it’s treatable + curable.
Thinking of you both,
tina xx

48

Hi Lucy

Both of us have used the BCC service extensively. Janine was the subject of one of your mailers earlier this year and I’m going to be featured in the January one.

tbh, my wife is a bit upset that BCC went along with the Clinical exam + mammogram + ultrasound is conclusive enough. If they had advised her to push for a biopsy, she may have done that. She has emailed the team to pass this on to advisers. Our own BC nurse at the hospital has said she will facilitate an investigation when the time is right…because their procedures need re-evaluating. It won’t alter anything for my wife…but it might for other ladies!

Tina - thanks for your thoughts; the feelings are reciprocated! J will be in touch by email when she gets a moment.

49

If I may butt in:

Clinical exam + mammogram + ultrasound is NOT conclusive enough.

Only an MRI followed by core biopsy in the area IDed by the MRI found my tumour. I was “normal” on all other tests.

50

Me too. Ultrasound and mammogram showed nothing. Consultant told me it was nothing to worry about on examination too. Kept getting dismissed with antibiotics. Finally allowed a biopsy when I eventually broke down in tears and begged for one. This was despite a very strong family history.

51

I was thinking in bed last night. If it seems that biopsy is the only sure way of knowing why even bother with other methods? Why do the professionals seem so reluctant to give them?

52

I don’t know why some breast clinics are reluctant to carry out biopsies unless it’s because they embarrass women and can be painful but NICE guidelines on investigating breast cancer make clear the triple test which includes biopsies is the only reliable way that breast cancer can be diagnosed, although it is only 99.6% or so accurate.

My own breast cancer wasn’t detected despite having biopsies, it was only found when I had the lump removed.

I’m still around though as despite six months delay my cancer was found before it had spread to my lymph nodes and was still under 2 cm. I was diagnosed on 5 Dec 2003.

Mole