Well haven’t been on here for a while as I have been trying to cope with being back at work full time which is harder than I thought it would be but that’s another matter.
I was single when I started my breast cancer journey back in December 2007 and not even looking for a relationship but that was then and things have changed however I am so worried about starting a relationship as my body does not look like it used to, I am absolutely terrified that when it comes to the intimate side of a relationship he will be so put of that he runs for the hills and I never see him again.
Is there anyone that has started a relationship after breast cancer that can offer me any kind of encouragmnet and to stop the huge fear I have of ever starting a relationship with a man again.
Any men out there I would love to hear what you have to say as well.
Yes I can give you lots of encouragement as it’s happened to me! I met two men at the same time about 7 weeks after a mastectomy. I was seeing them both until I’d decided which one I was interested in and I told them both about my illness they both handled it in different ways but were both amazing and said it didn’t matter to them and that they wanted to do whatever they could to help me. I’m now (thankfully) only dating one and have now been with him for nearly 7 months. I really feel almost completely at ease with him and I don’t hide myself from him. When I talked to him about reconstruction, he just said I really don’t mind if you decide not to have it as I love you and it doesn’t matter to me. He told me he’d got used to it - and that has almost really boosted my self esteem. I also wasn’t looking for a relationship at all and I used to think who on earth is going to want to go out with me now - this shows that there are definitely some decent good uns out there.
Hope this has helped a little.
Best wishes
Ruby xx
I was in the middle of a divorce after 21 years of marriage when my BC was diagnosed. I had bilateral mastectomies, followed by reconstruction which initially went wrong with infection, then eventually after a few months had permanent implants put in, but they’re not brilliant, and one is a bit lopsided because of the infection and patch of skin that I lost. However, I met my partner Chris who I now live with a year exactly after diagnosis and we have been together two and a half years, been living together for most of that time. He’s 9 years younger than me, I’m 51. A friend sort of blinded dated us, by making sure he came out for the night with her then partner, and didn’t tell me a thing. I sort of realised I was being set up, but a bit too late ha ha. However, he was lovely, very caring and understanding, he knew about my position well before the set up. I didn’t even have my nipples tattooed at the time, looked like I had a couple of jelly tots, but he was fab. We met on the Friday, had our first date on the Sunday and we haven’t been apart since.
Before I met Chris I met someone else a few weeks prior who came down from Scotland for the week, and we had a fab time, but just before I was due to see him again I met Chris, and that was it basically.
I find my worst enemy is myself. I have a lot of hang ups about my breasts and my body since this happened and also a hysterectomy last summer, plus I’m getting older, and I do torture myself at times thinking he could be with someone with “normal breasts”, which is so stupid I know, but it’s sometimes the way my warped brain thinks. I’ve had a lot of tears and tantrums about the way my body has changed over the last three years. To the outsider, people at work etc, I don’t look a great deal difference, but to me in the flesh I hate myself. However, he has always insisted that he loves me whatever and says I’m lovely, and that’s good enough for me. There are some fabulous wonderful men out there who just basically want the right woman to love. It is a bit of a lottery, but it is anyway when you’re dating, so good luck.
Hi Debra,
I was dx in dec 2007 too! I had a lumpectomy and I am lucky in that it is very neat and I dont think a man would notice, particularly in the dark or candlelight!
However, before I get to that point I have a problem in that I still wear a wig and that would put me off getting into a chat up situation with a man as I would be terrified of the inevitablility of having to disclose that, if you were going to meet again and even have a little kiss!! How are you on the hair front?!
Katie
Me and my boyfriend broke up just after i had my double mastectomy but the 1st night that i went out after, i met somebody else, who was absolutly gorgeous!
He new about the whole cancer thing too and it didnt phase him whatsoever! I didnt carry on with any sort of relationship with him because was not a good time for me…but it certainly hasnt put me off! If they have a problem with it stuff them, you should be proud as you have had it, done somethin and are moving on with your life and whoever is put off by it is NOT worth it!!
Hi Debra and co,
I was diagnosed Oct 2006, met the most caring man in June 2007, i had just started Herceptin and had very little hair. I wore a wig and he persuaded me to take it off, im sure i would have kept it for another 6 months without his encouragement. In fact my daughter fell at a party, and some of the other mothers didnt recognise me, saying “get Cathryns mummy”, how embarassing for all for me to pipe up “im her mummy”!! ( i used to have shoulder length blonde hair, last summer very short, dark and curly!..Hes now insisting on paying for my highlights, not for him (so he says!), but it makes me feel better…We have both houses up for sale, but no luck yet…In fact hes researched the net for breast cancer, calls me every time he hears it mentioned on the media.
We deserve some happiness and its great to know so many men are so supportive and not afraid of the BIG C!
Good luck in finding Mr Right, and enjoy the search…
This site is amazing, thank you all for your posting and it is so nice to hear such positive responses form you, I have a date with a guy on the 30 August so will see how things go,he does seem like a very caring man and I have been totally up front about my breast cancer as I see not point in not telling him, I was married for 21 years before my husband walked out on me that was 3 years ago and apart from a couple of dates I have been single ever since so I guess getting back in the dating game was always going to be a concern.
Katie61, on the hair front, I am ok as I didn’t have chemo just radiotherapy but the response from ginjill may help, I have to say that I meet some amazing women when I was have radiotherapy that had no hair or very little and they looked amazing so be proud of yourself were are all amazing women.
Well must go now and get ready for work have a great day everyone see you soon
Hi Debra, good luck with your date! Hope it goes well.
i am another ‘success’ story. I already had BC when I met my future husband and had a reconstruction, which looked far from normal - no nipple recon and a very large scar running across the boob. I told my man right from the outset that I had had cancer , so when things became serious, he was prepared. I must be honest and say that I kept my bra on for the first couple of times when things got ‘steamy’, but soon realised how silly that was. He was absolutely fine, and we are now married. I’ve sadly had a recurrence and had to have a total mastectomy, but his love and affection has never faltered!
I was dx in June 2006 and finished treatment march last year, I had the lump and nipple removed and of course I was terrified too of what would happen if I ever met a bloke again, thought my wonky boob would scare any bloke off, though my friend did tell me I was talking rubbish.
Went on holiday in May as usual and was just chilling out minding my own business when I “ran into” a bloke. We got talking and the wine was flowing and to be honest for a while I forgot my “lopsidedness”. However when it came to spending more time with him i completely paniked and almost backed off. However I told him the problem, he looked at me, smiled and said “and? the problem is?”. We’re still together, though he does live in Ireland and I’m in Scotland and we see each other regularly and he phones every night. It never bothers him at all, infact he reckons its a sign of how brave and strong I am.
There are some blokes out there who are lovely and I am sure you will find one.
Update, all you ladies were right there are some nice guys out there and I have found one of them, I have been seeing him for 6 weeks now and he does not care what my body looks like in fact he likes my wonkey boob and says that he does not care if I have reconstruction as it make me unique.
hi girls
i don’t normally post but i just wanted to say…my boobs were a big part of what made me feel sexy…40DD…i’m a size 16-18 and one of the few benefits of being that size is a good set of boobs - probably the only part of my body (excpet maybe eyes and lips but thats face so its different) that i never complained about…at the age of 37 they were still fabulous and not droopy. so i feel especially peed off that one is now not the same as it was, but v grateful i still have it!!
my ex, who still loves me and who i shared an eve with recently when i was feeling weak, loves the scarred one and likes the different feel of it; variety he said!! so men are weird thank god and they don’t notice half the stuff we think they do…i’m not sure that many of them even know what cellulite actually is!!
still v nervous about meeting someone new and having the convo about the fact that u don’t really get the all clear with BC and it could come back at any time.
Bit of a different situation as I’m still in the relationship I had prior to my diagnosis. My partner and I have been together for 9 years. I was diagnosed over 2 years ago and had the works- slash, poison, burn. For some time, i would n’t undress in front of him or take all of my clothes off. That changed with time. It’s very true what someone else said- men don’t worry about the things that we worry about. My partner, Steve, still looks at me and says I’m sexy. He’s still the same randy little so and so he’s always been. And he’s not my partner anymore but my husband because we got married in April this year. And he was the one who wanted to bring our wedding forward. There are men out there who look at women like us and see strong, sexy, feisty, fascinating women that they want to spend their life with for as long as it lasts.
Hi - how do you MEET men ?? Im 38 and fairly presentable really. I have a good job, a little girl aged 8 and have already tried internet dating which was less than successfull. Id really like to meet a nice man and have a relationship, but it seems very tricky…
Normally people meet the right kind of men when they give up looking for them and just enjoy the things they do in their lives. Perhaps by going on nights out with a crowd from work or by enrolling at night school and meeting someone else with similar interests to you.
I know you hear of people meeting their soulmates from internet dating but I think it can also be a dangerous way to meet the wrong kind of people. Loads of people lie about their age, looks, jobs etc too.
What about getting your daughter involved in an after-school activity where you might meet single fathers doing the same?
and I told them both about my illness they both handled it in different ways but were both amazing and said it didn’t matter to them and that they wanted to do whatever they could to help me. I’m now (thankfully) only dating one and have now been with him for nearly 7 months. I really feel almost completely at ease with him and I don’t hide myself from him. When I talked to him about reconstruction, he just said I really don’t mind if you decide not to have it as I love you and it doesn’t matter to me. He told me he’d got used to it - and that has almost really boosted my self esteem. I also wasn’t looking for a relationship at all and I used to think who on earth is going to want to go out with me now - this shows that there are definitely some decent good uns out there.