After weeks of anxiety, worry & discussions with my surgeon I went through with a single mx 2 weeks ago + the removal of all lymph nodes on the left side. (If I didn’t want this ‘situation’ to get any worse then I really didn’t have a choice.)
As predicted, I am pretty traumatised. I ended up staying a couple of nights in the hospital (they wanted 3) in a general ward & sadly the care wasn’t particularly great. A nurse asked me in the night if anyone had told me “how many months or years I had”…
Whilst I have somehow dragged myself through these months, I am still struggling to properly look or take my top off (my sister helped me with a bra but i closed my eyes) The physical loss of my breast has really left me heartbroken & the impact of this whole thing has left me pretty depressed. I have a lot of pain in my upper arm & look absolutely nothing like “me”. My face also looks puffy.
I haven’t really stopped since the diagnosis (5 months of chemotherapy) & have 3 weeks off work so perhaps this is all just “coming out”. Everyone around me seems to expect me to be “recovering” but I still feel absolutely shell shocked. Friends trying to plan 40th celebrations for next year etc & I just have no interest.
I’m just wondering if anyone had any words of wisdom or guidance of how they got through. I used to genuinely love simple things like a long shower and taking care of myself but I now feel so disgusted in my body and let down by it.
No real words of wisdom but I just wanted to say well done for having your surgery as I know from reading some of your other posts you have had a difficult time. It’s very early days and it will take a long time process everything but I wish you a good recovery and lists of peace and healing x
Thanks so much. It’s 4am & i keep waking up with night terrors. No idea how 8 months ago I was so happy & looking forward to 2025 (new job, new partner that wasn’t an a**ehole, plans to finish my flat, was meant to be in Vietnam, a trip to Latvia) has turned into this. I am also feeling very consumed by guilt.
I feel hideous in my body. I had lived through the angst of my 20s and early 30s and actually liked my breasts and body and was so excited by my 40s.
I’m struggling to do the exercises too - i have lost all hope / faith given that I’ve ended up here. I am distancing from my friends as just can’t relate to their lives anymore. And I’m envious. I miss my old life.
I’m angry at mother earth and no longer feel able to find solace in it.
Good Morning @sbee
My heart goes out to you being in such turmoil. Having cancer and treatment is such a rollercoaster ride with not much time to take a breath before the next twist or turn takes our breath away again. You’ve reached out here and I am sure you will receive lots of love and replies.
When i had breast cancer i received counselling. The lady helped me come up with strategies to help combat my anxieties and stresses. Your BCN should be able to put you in contact with a counsellor also Breast Cancer Now has their telephone service.
My GP told.me my mission was to do whatever it takes to get rid of cancer and live. That for me was a double mastectomy and lymph nodes from one armpit. I was in a lets go for it place and had a very positive determined attitude and a very supportive husband.
When in the middle if it time seems to stand still and to be honest with you once one thing is over another comes along to bite in the bum. Mine has been my energy, fatigue and food. My head is always in protective mode and i challenge everything as to whether its good for me or not.
If you haven’t already maybe try some meditation, write down how you feel before and then after. Journal your thoughts to get them out of your head. Put a plan of action together and do little things each day that will make you feel good about yourself and bit by bit you will start to live again. After all you’ve been through, the surgery and treatment all of it was to live so be kind to yourself and have a little fun for yourself. Let people into your close circle that are going to support you.
Make a few plans have a goal to aim for.
Remember once today is done you have a fresh start tomorrow
Sorry you are feeling so traumatised. Being diagnosed with BC is a very frightening and traumatic experience. It’s often later, after treatment when we see less of the nurses that the real anxiety can start and it feels overwhelming as the reality of what we’ve just been through hits hard. That’s the time to reach out and ask for some counselling. Macmillan are fantastic. It can be on the phone weekly or face to face, I had both, and it really helps
A mastectomy can feel traumatic. I came to terms with it by thinking my boobs had done stirling work feeding my babies, but now one had to go so I could hopefully be around to see my grandchildren one day! It’s also really important to do the exercises you’ve been given. It is uncomfortable but they prevent frozen shoulder and keep swelling down.
You will get there, but give yourself time, and ask for that counselling.
So sorry to hear you’re feeling so bad. Not sure I have pearls of wisdom as I’m still pretty new to this game, but just want to send virtual hugs your way.
I reckon it’s natural to have ‘feeling hopeless’ times, we can’t be expected to be positive all the time. Just trust that this feeling doesn’t have to last, it’s a visitor. Right now just push yourself to keep doing things for yourself( the exercises, the healthy food etc ) without even thinking about why you’re doing them. (Thinking too much is tricky at the moment.) Til this bad phase eases…
@sbee I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. It’s such a lot to go through, no wonder you are feeling as you are. I can almost feel your pain through your words and wish there was something I could do to ease that.
When I was diagnosed I really struggled (long back story, but it was a real kick in the teeth and I can understand what you mean about life all of a sudden not being what you planned). I had a couple of sessions of counselling provided through MacMillan and it really helped, is this something to consider? The referral was quite straight forward and it was arranged really quickly. It made a massive difference for me in how I thought about everything.
Another thing that helped was my journal. I wrote in it every morning to try and get out and process what I was feeling. It’s full of fear and sadness, but also some brutal and honest thoughts and ranting (plus more than a few swear words!), and became my safe space to express exactly how I was feeling without it affecting anyone else. It’s also something I’ve on the odd occasion looked back on when I want to reflect on how far I’ve come and appreciate my happy and healthy life now when that seemed so impossible to imagine again at the time.
You’ve been through a traumatic experience and it will take time to process. Try to lean on the support available to help you through if you can. x
That nurse needs a lesson or 2 in bedside manner. I could raise a PALS so her behaviour is acted upon. I’d also ask in the PALS why were you on a general ward.
Have a word with your breast care nurse about how you are in pain and your face being puffy.
Do you have a Maggie’s near you? That’s a good starting place to help with how you are feeling. Or call the nurses here. Perhaps use the ‘Someone like me’’ facility.
I am with you there - love my long, do everything Saturday shower. I can’t say when - 1 from a mental point of view and 2 from post surgery - but you will get back to those long showers. Assuming the 40th is yours and isn’t early next year (as that’s worryingly only a few months away), you’ll probably be up for it. My 60th was a smidgen over 12 months after all my treatment - mastectomy, then chemo and rads - I was planning the big day about 4 months beforehand!
People who haven’t been through this tend to have unrealistic ideas of what “recovery” looks like. Five months – especially with a recent major, ‘off the scale reminder of what’s happened’ operation – is still very early days. It might help to gently let your friends know that recovery from cancer isn’t like bouncing back from a cold or broken bone. It’s a whole-body, whole-life process and everyone’s timeline is different.
You could say something like:
“My life and body have changed in ways I didn’t expect. (You could even add that I don’t accept) Right now I don’t know what my ‘new normal’ looks like yet, so I can’t promise I’ll be up for things on anyone else’s timetable. I just need time and space to see what feels right for me.”
If they keep pushing, you might add:
“Perspectives shift after something like this, and how I want to celebrate or plan things might be different now. I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”
Sometimes spelling it out kindly but clearly helps people realise their expectations aren’t fair.
Hi @sbee
I had both removed one for cancer the other cos i am BRCA 2. Had expanders fitted . . . sounds like a car haha
I was nervous but very curious to how they would look. Very swollen at first they were huge. Whilst in the hospital every man and his dog seemed to need to see them so i got used to getting them out. They were weird to look at and still are even now ive got implants. I kept my nipples but they’re skew wiff. Im not that bothered, in clothes and underwear theyre quite realistic. I was that not bothered i went topless on the beach in Spain just because i could. Im of the mindset that i don’t care what others think, i do what i want and why not, i earned these boobs a very hard way.
Massage helps the scars fade and prevent scar tissue underneath. I recommend apricot kernel oil. Its a way to look after them too and become one with them.
If you’re flat when healed you could consider a tattoo. My sister in law struggled and hated looking at herself, she was set free when she got a huge flower tattoo.
You’ll find your way.
Much love
Hey
I found the surgery the worst, hated having a single mx although I had a reconstruction at the same time but it was still incredibly traumatic. I felt quite broken inside after my surgery. So ended up ringing my GP and I complained about the pain and got some Oramorph! Which was great,.knocked me out for a few days which god knows I needed at the time although one to be careful with as it is addictive. My surgeon nearly had a heart attack when I told her I was on it she was like “you don’t need that!” etc. I just thought, ‘no actually I do need it!!’ I had chemo first then surgery and my face was puffy after, also my arm, and underarm was puffy from the ALNC and I got an infection in my underarm so needed antibiotics for that. Try and do the exercises a couple of times a day. To be honest it does take ages for proper healing of the shoulder, underarm and chest area, I still do physio exercises on it all and I’m over a year on from surgery but it does get easier.
I don’t really have any words of wisdom except allow yourself without guilt to feel whatever it is you feel and do what you need. Counselling helped me. Cherry tree lodge in London do online free counselling and offered me that even though I don’t live in London. In the end it was the online meditation course which turned around how I felt about my body as up to that point I hated the implant and had wanted to stab the fecking thing!! It’s taken me over a year to start to feel more okay with the implant (appreciate you are flat) but just trying to say that it takes time. I also screamed a lot at home! Just do whatever you need. The whole thing is so traumatic, there’s no getting around it so just listen to yourself. And you will get your long showers back…oh and friends really don’t get it! Haha! Don’t even get me started on that one!
Sending you healing wishes and hope you are getting some good sleep at least xxx
I think your life situation makes it tougher than many others experience of mastectomy. Single, or newly partnered during something like this, is worlds apart from a long term relationship or married years and got immediate family behind you. Your image of yourself is so much more important in life, I get that. It should show how worthy the person you are with is, I hope he stepped up for you. Its just more difficult emotionally though if you don’t have that prior history with someone when this stuff happens. Kinda glad I was single when I think about the relationships Ive had the last 10 years.
I had my mastectomy last Friday and am fine with the looks - except I don’t like asymmetry- I’d rather had them both out. But! I think your reaction depends on where in your body you place your femminity or even identity. I just don’t care about the bust - whereas I do care about my being slim and my hair. If hormonotherapy takes that away from me (very probable), I will be definitely unhappy…
So I fully understand your feelings… and I am very sorry that our illness is so uncompromising and cruel… We have these combat wounds cut so deeply into us…
Not long at all. I saw my mastectomy as getting rid of the big, rotten BC in me and saving my life. Because of that, it didn’t worry me. Having cancer did.
Might have helped that I’d had quite a few operations beforehand and several left awful, awful scars. And I had hypertrophic scars. My scarring has got better as I’ve got older (new hip one looks OK) and my surgeon was an absolute angel who used everything in her power to give me the best possible MX scar.
That might be a reason why I had a look as soon as my dressings came off too.
It’s been a thing of beauty from day 1 and is (over 4 years) a very thin silver slither.
Hi sbee, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all this too. I had a right mastectomy last year with a few cancerous nodes taken too. For me the loss of my breast was the culmination of years of body dysmorphia. I had finally got to a place of liking my body and then I lost my breast. Strangely for me it was like nature telling me that I was more than my breasts or my body, and I have been able to come through it with acceptance. This does not mean that I have not had to grieve the loss and impact on my identity and that takes time. There is so much confusion, anger and emotional pain to work through.
It took me a little while to look at my new body and I’m still not totally comfortable both emotionally or physically. But I live my life mostly now as a uniboober. I decided that this is me now and I have found that the world out there really pays very little attention to my chest!
Be patient with yourself, and very, very kind. Others often don’t understand the aftermath of cancer treatment so try to make allowances for them too unless you feel it is too much for you.
Sbee I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through such a shocking time. Just know I am praying for you and take advantage of the the counseling that is offered to you. I’m praying for strength and peace for you.
Hi there, just jumping on to say well done for being here in this safe and caring place, I hope it helps. It took me ages to look with my first mastectomy. My partner looked way before me and was very lovely. That was 15 years ago and for about 7 or 8 years I’d get in the shower and forget about my one breasted status and be surprised - eee honestly our brains are so wierd sometimes. Anyway with counselling I got there in the end - to the extent that when I had a new primary in the remaining breast I had no hesitation in having another mastectomy and am now very happy being flat. I have noticed an interesting difference in the 15 years - we are all older now ( 60s) and my mates have all had some sort of ill health. 15 years ago I was unusual being ill and people found it v difficult to know how to react. You will recover in your own time - I would encourage doing the wxercises and if possible some counselling. Take care.
she was like “you don’t need that!” etc. I just thought, ‘no actually I do need it!!’ I had chemo first then surgery and my face was puffy after, also my arm, and underarm was puffy from the ALNC and I got an infection in my underarm so needed antibiotics for that. Try and do the exercises a couple of times a day. To be honest it does take ages for proper healing of the shoulder, underarm and chest area, I still do physio exercises on it all and I’m over a year on from surgery but it does get easier.