Anyone awake with the worry?
4 Likes
@sbee oh I wish I’d seen this. I was up until 3am doing silent ugly cries. Hope you managed to get some sleep in. If you want to share your worries, you can be assured that you will get lots of support here. x
2 Likes
@Jaygo - how are you feeling now?
1 Like
Ok thanks. Tired and heavy-hearted. I am feeling overwhelmed at the length of the journey. I’m half-way through chemo which is good, but it is Neo-adjuvant, so there is an awfully long road ahead and yesterday it all got a bit too much.
What about you? How are you doing? xxx
3 Likes
I understand - i am starting to realise that ifs never really over & have so much on my plate that i am almost at a standstill. X
@sbee Exactly that! The feeling that we will never be free of this. And the fact that unless one has been through it, virtually no-one in our world will truly get it as hard as they may try.
2 Likes
I feel so isolated tbh - I still go over and over why this happened to me.
@Jaygo- what are your next steps treatment wise?
@sbee Yes. My first question was ‘did I do this to myself?’ The short answer is ‘no’ and that was emphatically delivered by my surgeon who broke the news. I think we have to hold on to the fact that we are not to blame. It is just bloody bad luck (though this may be of little comfort).
Yes, the isolation is huge. I really get that. I don’t feel I can talk about it openly (last night I was journalling about this very topic). We protect our nearest and dearest by putting a positive spin on things, when inside we’re feeling broken.
I’ve done counselling, but found it of limited use. Possibly the chemistry didn’t work with my counsellor, lovely though she was, but she didn’t probe deeply enough.
Talking here helps though, I hope it will help you too. I think sometimes just knowing you’re not alone can be of some comfort. If this conversation helps, then keep talking here if you want to. x
3 Likes
Next steps. 4 more rounds of chemo (out of 7). Then mastectomy, then 14 rounds of Herceptin (depending on results of operation) so it is going to be the majority of this year before I am even close to seeing the end of treatment. What about you?
I feel exactly the same. I knew it was bc - despite everyone telling me otherwise. I had been the gp & gynae months before saying something was off with my hormones. I saw a friend at the weekend - she is pregnant, all my friends are celebrating 40ths etc & i feel like i exist in another world now. With hardly anyone to talk to.
I was 6 weeks into a new job, worked full time through treatment. Contract ended. Boyfriend vanished. I live alone. Now in new job that pushed me to start asap. There is just no let up at all. X
3 Likes
I had 8 rounds of chemo, smx (huge trauma) & 15 rounds of radiotherapy. They wanted to put me on lots of meds which terrifies me & i fear i wont be able to work (i have a mortgage solo in London) & had plans to move overseas. (Now cant) - but they won’t now as of the risk to my ‘mental health’. I was the same with counselling- thought i was the only one!
2 Likes
It’s a lot to wade through isn’t it?
We have choices regarding counselling if we want to carry on with it. Chemistry is important, so there is an option to try again with someone else. I just found it too light touch…I wanted someone to dig right in. I’m not ruling it out for me, but I know I am a difficult customer.
You sound like you are shouldering an awful lot on your own. I really hope this forum can help you to feel less alone. If you’re in London, can you access Maggie’s? I hesitate to connect in person with others, but if there was a Maggie’s near me I’d jump at it. Sadly there isn’t.
You sound a lot younger than me (I am 61). I hope that some of your aspirations will be possible in the longer term, but understand why you can’t do them right now, or feel like you won’t be able to do these things in the future. I am meeting so many women on this journey who have inspired me to believe there is life after cancer. Maybe further down the line your view on this will change???
Your BCN (if she already hasn’t) may be able to talk you through your concerns regarding meds. To be honest, if you’ve managed to work through chemo, I’d be very surprised if ongoing meds will stop you. I take my hat off to you for managing to do that.
However alone you are feeling, know that you are not. X
2 Likes
Thank you so much for your replies xx
1 Like
Sorry I wasnt awake but I’m going to remember this topic next time I’m awake in the night and unable to switch my brain off!
Im so sorry you have so much on your plate and you feel so isolated. Its awful. This forum definitely helps me, I also joined a local breast cancer charity page on facebook and have been able to connect locally with someone. We havent met up yet but I am hoping that will happen at some point. Like Jaygo said if there is a Maggies near you definitely try to pop in! I would love to have that resource.
The breast cancer isolation is so real. I actually didn’t realise how much I felt it until I had a conversation with my therapist. When I was first diagnosed I couldnt be anywhere without looking around wondering if others had cancer like me. Was everyone just walking around pretending life was ok when actually it felt like it was crumbling around me?
Sometimes I still get waves of it but I am pre chemo so I am still being carried by lots of positivity. I have healed well from surgery and I havent started hormone therapy yet. As you said, there isnt really an end to this now. It is a part of us. For me the hormone therapy will be 10 years, as will my yearly mammograms. But I don’t want to spend the next 10 years of my life sad about this. Whilst im still positive I think how lucky I am I found my lump, I was turned away but I went back. I started the process that is saving my life. I will try to take strength from that. Of course I know this will be harder to hold on to when I’m in active treatment.
Thank you for starting this topic so I have a place to come to when I can’t sleep 
Sending you big hugs
4 Likes
@foxgem I’ve just woken up from another power snooze after just 3 hours sleep last night.
Thank you so much for contributing to this conversation. I absolutely love your reframe about starting the process of preserving your life, health and wellbeing. I think this is a fantastic way to approach life and one I intend to adopt.
Luckily for me, I am going to be able to take early retirement, so I can make this my full-time occupation.
See you here for future nocturnal liaisons. xxx
3 Likes
@foxgem @Jaygo - Thankyou both so much for your replies, I really appreciate it.
I guess I thought I would feel on top of the world once ‘active’ treatment was over but actually just feel numb for want of a better word. Like I am sitting in the ashes of an explosion I have no memory of - & I hate how I am missing a breast, my hair & what i felt as a woman. (My periods have stopped too.) I was so fit and supple - now i just ache and feel about 400. My skin sags & the impact even 7months post chemo has just been brutal.
I somehow have a new job - none of them know. They whinge about pointless shit. My happiest relationship ever eroded. (I was young, doing pretty well, independent, attractive ish, free) - I hate the hospital. I am angry at it all & how much I have had to ‘survive’ over the years. I know my feelings sometimes don’t fit the narrative. I don’t think anyone really knows what to do with me. I don’t even know what to do with myself. X
5 Likes
I’m
Awake now… if anyone else is.
1 Like
I haven’t slept tbh.
1 Like
Are you managing to rest? I was asleep, but woke before husbands alarm went off and just listening to music to try and go back to sleep.
1 Like