Ohno, don’t worry about not wanting to touch the thing, if like me you felt “contaminated” by it why on earth WOULD you want to touch it?!
And probably better that you don’t fiddle with it incessantly too, as constant prodding, poking and trying to see if it’s mobile or not (not that I ever figured out what that was) could leave your poor boob feeling sore, which would just freak you out even more! It’s a bit like when you have a blister in your mouth you fiddle and fiddle until your whole mouth hurts.
As for your OH, he’s really doing the “head in the sand” thing to extremes, isn’t he? Is that how he always is? Is that how he expects YOU to be if HE has a massively worrying health problem (or even a bad cold)? My OH is very lovely, but I haven’t looked to him for verbally expressed emotional support with this because I know how he is with illnesses or physical problems. He’s not being inconsistent - he had open heart surgery just days before I started my chemo and really didn’t want to talk about HIS feelings around his own health issues - but I was there for him, and he’s been there for me. Just not to talk about stuff.
Cancer scares or not, is he being any different to how he normally is? Sometimes we do expect our partners to be quite out of character. Sometimes, of course, it is APPROPRIATE for them to be, but as I’ve mentioned before, men’s balls aren’t made of crystal, so often unless we tell them straight out what we want from them, they’re simply not going to have a clue what to do.
It might be that you need to say, “listen, Fred (if his name’s Fred, of course - don’t say that if he’s called something else or he might get confused), I need to talk to you about what’s going on.” Tell him the facts that you know - “I found a lump, and have an appointment to check it out” - and the way you’re feeling about it - “but I’m terrified, scared of the future, frightened that I’m going to die” - and what you want from him - “and I could really do with a hug right now, and to be able to talk to you about it so I can help to get my thoughts straight.” Also acknowledge how HE might be feeling about it - “I know this is probably a bit of a shock for you too, and that you might also be feeling the same fears, but I’d rather know you were scared too rather than thinking that you just don’t care.”
Get it out in the open and give him the chance to tell you how he’s feeling, if he’s that kind of person. You might get any number of different responses, from: “well if it is, it is, so don’t worry about it until they tell you it’s serious, there’s no point in worrying, now what’s for tea.” to “I didn’t realise (yeah, right!) you were in such a state about it, c’mere and let me give you a hug.” to “I didn’t know what to say to you, the whole idea terrified me and I had to get away for a while, it’s too much to think about” to “I’m just as scared as you are” or anything in between.
You know how your relationship is normally, so only you will have an idea what he would usually do. We can’t expect our partners to change all of a sudden. What we CAN do is decide, over the course of time, whether the normal reaction is what we want or need from them. And then we have to let them KNOW what we need, because they’re not mind readers. Of course you could still get the “well, tough!” attitude in response, but then you can look at that and deal with it.
Sorry, rambling again. My OH tends to use black humour (about his own health as well as mine, so I know he’s not being specifically mean) and sometimes I just say “I really don’t feel like laughing about it now”, but generally that’s his way of expressing his concerns rather than him just being mean, because I know he’s not.
Finally, THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A SILLY QUESTION.
