Anyone else suffering from guilt?

Hi everyone
I had a mammogram and biopsy on Wednesday and the consultant said it is most likely to be cancer. I go back this Wednesday for the full result and details of how they are going to treat it.
So far I have only told a few friends at work, mainly because I needed to tell SOMEONE!
I haven’t told any close friends or family yet until I know more about what I am facing. I’m terrified about telling my mum as I know she will be devastated as she has had breast cancer herself. She is all clear now but has rhuematoid arthritis and is looking after my dad who has early stage dementia. She has enough to cope with and I feel awful that I will have to burden her with more bad news. I went to see her today and felt so guilty for not mentioning anything.
I’m a single parent with one son who is 15. I’ve told him a little bit and as far as he is concerned you have the lump out and thats it. Cured. So thats the way I’ve left it. If only it were that simple!
The BCN said its a typical womans reaction to worry more about other people than ourselves and reading some of the threads here it looks like thats true.
How did everyone else cope with guilt and telling family? Any words of advice would be most appreciated.

Hi Buzzy,
Sorry you find yourself here hun. I know just how you feel, I did tell my sisters as they had both been through the mamogram/biopsy thingy, and I told my oldest daughter (22) I was going for a lump checking out, but kept it simple (because I need her to look after other daughter who is 13). My mum also had breast cancer and is now clear so didn’t tell her till I got my biopsy results, she said she whished that I had told her sooner as she could have helped me a bit as she knows what I would have been feeling. I did feel very guilty for not telling her, but I needed to be in control. When I did tell her she didn’t take it very well, she blames herself for giving it to me - but its one of those things, we are at the moment just filling the forms in for genetic testing and I have had 2 ops and have just had my first chemo session (chemo was offerd because of my age - 47). The chemo wasn’t as bad as I expected (thank god) and I will do ANYTHING to get rid of this horrible thing.
I have never dobuted that I am going to be ok … its just bl**dy inconvient!!!. My mum, her sister and my cousin have all had bc and are all fine - focus on the positive and do what is best for YOU, take one day at a time, one step of treatment at a time and you WILL get through this.
I have found this site absolutly wonderful and have had so much suport from the ladies on here.
Good luck with your results on wednesday, please keep us informed. And good luck with whatever and whenever you decide to tell your mum, I understand that you didnt want to burden her - but she won’t see it as a burden hun you are a part of her, just think how you would feel if your son kept something important from you (thats how my mum put it to me)
Good luck
Tracey xxx

Hi buzzy, sorry you are going through all of this. I am 36 with two little boys aged 3and 5. I was dx in march. My husband was with me and my mum and sister were at my house babysitting, so really everyone knew straight away. But I feel terribly guilty for inflicting this on my husband boys etc, they have done nothing wrong so why have they been landed with a mum with this and why has yhis happened to my mums daughter? Logically I can see it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t feel guilty but emotionally I still feel guilty. But my mum would have felt much much worse if I hadn’t told her, it’s supporting and helping me that’s helping her emotionally get thru it. That said, it’s different in different circs and a decision only you can make. And there’s still chance this is false alarm anyway. Good luck. Vickie xxx

Hi Buzzy.
I went through all this at 37. If I were you I would wait until Weds - after you know your results and what will happen next. Yes, your Mum will be devastated, but she will desperately want to help you. If you are able to tell her what happens next, i.e. how you are going to beat this, she will be more reassured.

I was a bit selfish and told mine over the phone. I was so depressed and guilt-ridden about my three young daughters - the last thing I needed was my Mum crying too. She screamed and cried on the phone, but when I saw her next she had got that out of her system so could be more normal in front of my kids. She still shouted at me a lot saying things like we have to fight this… you have GOT to be positive etc. and I hated it, but that’s just me. She’d had stage 3 ovarian cancer 15 years previously, so I guess it was worse for her.

Try not to worry about others so much, be positive and if it comes to surgery, chemo, radio etc. be reassured that you WILL get through it and there are lots of people on here who can and will help you.

On weds, don’t go alone like I did; take a friend who is less ‘emotional’ if poss. They can listen to what is said, make notes if nec. and tell you later if you can’t take it all in.

Good luck. Lots of love, Lisa.

Hi Buzzy

Yes, guilt abounds. I keep thinking my OH must just be longing for a ‘normal’ healthy partner and wishing I could just disappear and replace myself with a better sample for him! And even more for our daughter.

I tend not to tell my family anymore than they need to know - I can’t cope with their concern and grief and feel too guilty too give them anymore sleepless nights than they already have. I even told my mum I decided not to get the pathology results from surgery because they were prety sh*t and I don’t want my parents and sister to torture themselves with it.

Really hope things go as well for you as possible. I recommend confiding in someone, maybe a friend for whom the shock will not be as bad as for your mum? xxx Jane

Thanks everyone. It really helps to share and know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. I can see this site is going to become my lifeline in the weeks and months to come!
I went to the appointment on my own last week but this week I am taking a friend who has been through radiotherapy before and is an ex nurse so she will understand everything even if I don’t!
Sometimes I’m really positive and then suddenly I can’t help thinking about the what ifs. I guess thats only natural. I just wish Wednesday would hurry up and come then I can move on to the next stage and get it off my chest to my close family.
I will let you know how it goes.
Thanks again

Please try to wait until you know what you are dealing with-at the moment, it could be a benign condition needing no treatment.From personal experince, can I reassure you that if/when the time comes to be telling friends and family that there is a problem, you will likley find that it comes about much easier than you think. At the moment you are imagining worst case scenarios all around-which is why I am suggesting a “wait and see”, before you assume the need to be telling anyone. As you assimilate the news, you will find it easier to confide-in fact, you may already find that your Mum already suspects that something is worrying you. Hoping you get good results-but if you don’t, you will find a way of coping. We all do, because we have no choice!

when i was dx in june the only people i could tell were my best friend and my sister both of who i’m very close to. it was’nt that i did’nt want people to know, but just did’nt feel comfortable saying those dreaded word’s. i knew my parent’s would go to piece’s and i just could’nt handle that with everything that was going on. my sister phoned my brother to break the new’s and then he and his wife went to speak to my parent’s in person (me and my sister both live a long way away from parent’s). the worse thing was that first phone call from them. i thought it was going to be all weeping and wailing but they really held it together which made me feel better. my best friend spread the word to other friend’s and everyone has been really lovely and supportive.
good luck with your result’s and any announcement’s.
lolta xxx

Hey buzzy, wanting to wish you all the best, am in similar position haven’t told my mother yet waiting till I have seen the consultant to get an idea of the plan of action. Currently about to have MRI scan tomorrow then bone and CT scan hopefully within next few days, I think this is normal route? But still am terrified of what the results will be and what if it has spread? Have only told sister and cousin who was diagnosed in April. We can get through this, stay in touch

Hi Sunny
I found out today my cancer is lobular (I think thats the word) grade 2 and I’m having chemo before surgery. Have to see oncologist next Tuesday. More waiting!
Still haven’t told my mum or sister. I will leave it til the weekend now as I don’t want to do it over the phone. Maybe by then I will have figured out the right words to use.
Good luck with your treatment
Debs x