Apologies if I am being self-indulgent but...

feeling really down today. Spent most of it in tears. Partner and I haven’t been speaking for days and today he’s just learnt that he’s lost his job and is now facing redundancy. Don’t know how to put how I feel into words. Can only quote lyrics to a favorite song of mine at the moment:

"I grasped at life’s fading light.
I need you tonight.
I need to be heard
Your actions speak louder than words.

Ignored by you all, I stumble and fall, I suddenly knew my life meant nothing at all.

In shreds, I stared down at the street, yearning for sleep, that blissful escape but when it comes its always too late.

The hole in my bed, the noise in my head, the hole in my pride. Its coming and theres nowhere to hide"

And the wine is just adding to my headache.

I’m sorry - I know I am rambling and not making any sense but just need to say something to someone.

Hi Naomifel
I’m so sorry to hear that you are having such a horrible time at the moment. I really feel for you, this is not what you need at all and I wish I could just give you a big hug. Please don’t apologise for saying what you’ve said above, that is what we are all here, to support each other at whatever stage we’re at.

Thinking of you and sending you cyber hugs

Ruby xxx

aww hun,

you are not rambling you are letting it out…!!!

So tell us more…more about the tears…

we go in fits and starts…my hubby shouted at me when I cried in case I had secondary’s due to a fracture in my vertebrae…now I feel really peed of with him…anyway not me this is you…

come on hun…


Hi Naomifel

I too am sorry to hear that you and your partner are not having a good time of it. Fingers crossed that he can find another job soon.

Maybe you could have a look at councelling for both of you if you are experiencing communication problems? Maybe get him to take a look at this site under the threads of Family, partners and friends? Maybe this could help?

Thinking of you


It started out as something really petty - so petty that i’m embarrassed to even admit it. We were driving back from late night shopping on Friday - and, being on a ‘high’, I’d suggested we get some fish and chips - my treat - I know, not quite what I should be eating while on chemo but I was feeling okay and wanted us to indulge ourselves (what indulgence, hey?!). But when he hesitated when I asked him if I could have one of his cans of beer - so that it seemed to me that I could see him mentally calculating how many he had left and whether he could spare one for me - I just lost my temper and we haven’t really spoken until today, when firstly I was told that my chemo had been delayed again (neuts 0.4) and then when he was told that he hadn’t got his job that he’d had to apply for. So, tears because the chemo has been postponed again - and worried about what my poor immune system means - does it mean that there’s something else somewhere else that they’ve just not picked up because they’ve not looked for it - and tears because I’m worried - but trying not to be - about our finances as well as angry that his employers have really stitched him up and knocked his confidence and hurt him. All just very mixed up and confused.

The last time we argued like this I’d got ratty with him because he’d told me to be more positive.

I know, its all really petty but its obviously just got on top of me (and him) today.

Really appreciate your thoughts/suggestions, especially when we’re all going through such difficult times.


Oh you poor thing. I have tears for you. Its such a horrible time and then your husband losing his job on top of everything.

Its good that you came on here and let it all out. We all understand.

Just want to give you a big big hug

Liz xxxxxx

Hi Naz,
you know you are always welcome at my house and the kettle is always on, dont worry about your partner, my relationship goes through patches, i dont think men can understand just how emotionally draining the chemo can be, especially when you get the knock backs you keep getting. I have days when i cry at anything and everything.
Anna x x

Naz go and apply for DLA, you should get it on appeal


What a really s**t week. Sorry no other way of putting it, I’m not suprised you’re really upset, who wouldn’t be.

You could try talking to the macmillian nurses about the financial situation there is help it neither of you are working, it’s not the same as a wage but it’s something to get by with while you both sort out the finances in the long term.

Me and OH are self employed so I do know what it’s like when financial uncertainty faces you, it’s as scary as the treatment sometimes isn’t it.

As for your neuts being low chemo just does that, it doesn’t mean anything at all from what I’ve been told and I’ve asked many people many times.

Just try and talk to each other for now, it’s not easy but try it. Me and OH have such a strong relationship and it’s only because we’ve dealt with these things together in the past, eg eviction, unemployment etc It can make your relationship stronger.

I don’t know if that helps, I hope so.

If not I can offer a big hug and would like to say you have good taste in lyrics.

Lots of love


I think I’m just going to go to bed and write today off. Its got to get better.


P.S. I hope, Ruby, Paula, Liz, Anita and Angie you don’t think I’m being rude. I’ve obviously started a conversation I can’t maintain. I just want to go to sleep and forget about it all. It is so reassuring, though, to know that I can come on here and get such support. And Anna, thank you so much for the offer of a cup of tea. Right now I just want to be let loose in a china shop.

oh naz i have a slate floor in the kitchen its wonderful for smashing things on!!!

Don’t think you are being rude at all. Helps to just put things down

Love to you

Liz xx

Oh Hon,
Please do not be upset or angry with yourself. The lyrics to your favourite song at the moment are so sad. i know we all go through bad times but please try and listen to something a bit more positive it might pick you up a bit.

As for the OH dont forget he’s a MAN! i snapped at OH today as i asked him to make dinner and he told me he needs a cupa, a wash and needs the toilet. - Well don’t we all. I know your argument was silly but at the time the smallest of things frustrate our chemo brains so don’t blame yourself. I’ve been having some hynotherapy recently and something the lady says really sticks with me - she says theres nothing you need to do, nowhere to go, nothing no-one wants from you and its time to chill basically and i feel sometimes when i get stressed or freek out about something i hear these words in my head to help me calm down.I don’t know if something like this would help you.

It must also be a worrying time with the jon situation - as vertangies mentioned speak to the mac nurse as they can help - they’ve helped me with child care.

Just a suggestion - I was told i was being stupid when i was going through a low period with deep dark thoughts - you may have seen the tread well anyhow after a while i got the OH to read it rather than explaining it to him and left it at that. Would you consider him reading your thread?? to help ease the situation.?

take care hon anddon’t forget your not alone. You can always rant on here and there will be someone to help you.


Naz, you said your neuts are low, and you’re under stress and you’ve understandably had enough. Several people here have noticed a very strong connection between their mood and theit neuts level.

Just giving up for the day and sleeping is actually a really good idea.

Hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.


Aww poor you - it’s another one of those situations where you just want to shout ‘it’s just one damn thing after another’… I did that when I had just not long started rads, mam was having a hip replacement (200 miles away) and I couldn’t be there to help, my friend’s fiance was told his cancer was terminal, my son crashed the car and broke his wrist and then te final straw was I forgot to credit the gas card and the metre ran out and I had to walk about 100 yard to the shop to get more gas … it just all mounts up and I threw a hissy fit, phoned in sick and stayed at home for 2 days sulking.

I know it’s hard when you are dealing with treatment and other things go wrong … I said I could cope with cancer ok if the other crap would just wait til I was finished and ready to deal with it.

I hope that you and your OH manage to sort things out and that you are feeling better soon.

Hi Naz

Sorry it’s all happened at once for you, and hope it all sorts out for you. Maybe having him home will give you both more inclination to talk things over, and a new job when he finds one will be a new start in the relationship too.

Sending more cyberhugs and wishes that tomorrow is a better day for you.



Hi Naz

It’s good to let off steam, especially when your going through so much. We are here to give you support and to send hugs through cyber space. I have had loads of support and advice since joining this website, so thanks to everyone.

Keep in touch Naz we are all here for you :slight_smile:

Kirsty xxx

Hi Naz

what a b*mmer - not much more to say … other than I have had lots of neuts problems and think that it does bring your mood down considerably … mine have finally turned a corner but I am way behind schedule … I get frustrated but I don’t think there’s any need to worry - aparently it happens to 20% of people so i’m surprised there aren’t more of us on here - perhpas we could start a “number of postponements competion” - I think i have had 5 postponements and 4 lots of neupogen injections and some expensive honey that did nothing - I wish I’d bought a new dress!

Sorry about your husband and redundancy - it’s not really a bc thing - that would have ben sh*t anyway. that sort of thing always is!

Sorry about the beer but boy do I fancy some lovely Bristish F&C !!! Yum Yum - I can taste them already.

Sometimes it all ges south and you just have to ride it out and then think of another song “things can only get better!”

I think that going to bed and starting agin was a fabuliyus idea - my grandmaalways used to say “things will be much better in the morning”

Hope you get through it all soon
love FB xx

blimey - srroy about the typing - it’s the chemo