Today I was tasked with putting up a shower curtain. A simple task, what could possibly go wrong?
My partner and I are living with breast cancer. She was diagnosed a year ago and has since had a mastectomy, chemo, radio and is now having herceptin until November. She also has severe arthritis. She is very house proud but now finds it very difficult to do anything around the house. Although I work full time and have a 2 hour commute I do not mind helping out more around the house. Well, I do my best but my partner is frustrated at her inability to do what she once did and even more frustrated at my efforts because they do not match her high standards. I understand why she is frustrated but can do nothing to alleviate that frustration. My efforts to help are often belittled and criticised.
One of the shower curtain rings broke. Yes, I broke it but not deliberately, why would I do that? There were no spares. My partner erupted with more fury than Vesuvius. Eventually, after much ranting and raving I was despatched to B&Q to find alternatives. Our local B&Q could only offer some cheap plastic rings. I bought them and considered them practical although not so pleasing to the eye. Vesuvius erupted for a second time, there was nowhere to run.
We often seem to have arguments over seemingly trivial things. I make light of it here but it is really wearing me down. I am quite depressed by what has happened to us. Some of the things said are quite hurtful. I try to be dignified and although quite laid back sometimes find myself also reacting in a hurtful way. It’s like we take our anger out on each other. And it happens again and again. It’s really like a living hell that we can’t get out of.
Hi there,
I thought I’d just send you a big hug…I hate shower curtains at the best of times :o)
You both sound like you have been through the mill in the last year and you sound like you have been an utmost support to your wife. Its a shame that the person you are closest too always gets it in the neck in some form or another.
Would you have just bickered about the curtain before, or would she have still been cross? Sometimes somethings just have to ‘give’ so I guess its her way of letting out her frustrations but its not fair on you.
I am further down the line, unfortunately ( I live with my ex still) but I don’t have long to live, so it works out ok. Lately I have been having little jibes at him and saying very nasty things, he is really doing his best…but something the other day triggered in me aand we actually talked about the real worries we had, focused on that and not the everyday snidy remarks I gave him.
It really got things into perspective. Yes she has been given a ‘bum’ deal but she has to realise that you too have feelings on the subject too, a sense of loss, I guess and empathy to what your wife is going through but you must try to make her understand that you are the one who can but watch and help and this is often harder than having the cancer for at least YOU are doing something.
Both my parents have had cancer ( mum got bc 4 yrs after me) and dad is in remission from secondary rectal cancer. I can truely say that it is easier to do the treatments than watch your loved ones go through it, you just feel so helpless. Last year, it was like watching my dad waste away before my eyes, he got so frail during chemo that he had no stregth at all.
PLease if you can’t have that talk with your wife, seek help else where for your own sanity and your own wellbeing because you wont be much use to her ( and tell her) if you are constantly put down.
I agreed with my husband that we will be as honest as we can, i did say that I couldn’t vent a little bile on occasion, that would be too much lol but we each know, for the sake of the kids really and having pleasure in my last weeks etc.
Sorry to waffle on, keep up the good work but please, in a quiet moment try and explain to your wife that she has your support but that you aren’t there to take all the flack of her uncertainty of the future, as you are both helpless there…
Luv to you (she’s lucky to have such a caring man,SxD the shower cutain lol
You’ve come to the right place to sound off. I’m sure there’ll be others along soon to give you some more good support. In the meantime I have put for you below the link to BCC’s publication ‘In it together’, I hope it helps. Also please do give the helpline a call after the weekend and have a chat with them, they’re here to support you. Calls are free, 0808 800 6000.
Haya, what a lucky lady to have you! seriously though, when I was diagnosed with secondaries a year ago I was in a very dark place and was very low for a few months. All I could think about was dying and leaving my children…I was very bitter with my husband for being healthy, and the fact that he would see the children grow-up, walk them down the isle and basically live. I know that I took it out on my husband and feel awful for being so verbally horrible to him…It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my diagnosis, my children’s future etc…I am in a much better place now and much nicer to poor hubby. I am only telling you all this because this could be how your wife is feeling…Please be patient…love and hugs to you both…xxx
Horsie, Thanks for that comment. While obvious when pointed out, That position just hadn’t occurred to me - Sadness at potentially missing it yes, but the emotions that partner would get to see it no.
Horsie
That is a real eye opening comment. I too never thought about that and it would explain the way my partner (current ex partner) has behaved. We had such a bright future, plans and we had everything. Never gave it a thought that she might be thinking that she would never see those plans come to fruition.
Wow. To Potmaid and horsie5050 thank you for your comments. I really appreciate your support. You are both very insightful and it is good to hear from the other side, if you know what I mean. I am humbled by many of the women on this forum who are living and dealing with this horrible thing. To both of you, big hugs and best wishes. It is also good to hear from men in similar situations and I just appreciate being able to sound off and know that I am not alone. I think that has been the worst thing for me. It’s that question, “How are you?” and you want to really let it all out but just end up saying “Yeah, I’m fine”. Sometimes I wish it was me that was ill, maybe that would be easier to deal with. I don’t know, life is very difficult at the moment. Thanks again.
LagerBloke, Homerboy and The loner.com, I must reiterate that your partners/wives are very lucky to have you. Please be patient with us, difficult I know, when we are stroppy, antagonistic and just plain horrible! But-trying to get your head around a potential death - your own, is really hard. All those plans for the children’s weddings, playing with Grandchildren, a lovely retirement in somewhere hot and tax-free…s, And you’ll get to see it all… It’s hard for you guys, and if you have a close male friend you can confide in would really help. As the months go on, we kind-of get used to it, life carries on and we have to as well. Love to all of you reading this…xxxxx
I think it would be a good idea if partners were offered the chance to have conselling upon diagnosis of their loved ones. We put on a brave face and we always try and do what is right but sometimes we get it completely wrong, without intending to.
I have said many times on this forum if I knew back in jan last year what I know now things would have been so much different and my partner and I would still be together.
I have resorted to giving her sapce as that is the only thing left for me to do. We havent spoken for nearly six weeks and I do really struggle with it. I keep thinking that what she is going through is far worse than what I have to cope with. I am just hoping that with some sapce and time to sort her head out that eventually we will speak and take things from there.
Recently whilst googling on matters related to breast cancer I found a BBC news report about some research that had been done on the effect on mens’ health for those who had partners diagnosed. In short it said “…that men watching their partner fight cancer were 39% more likely to need hospital care for mood problems” and “These, reported the journal Cancer, included severe depression.”
I went to see my GP toward the end of last summer and he did indeed diagnose me as having ‘depression’. Anti-depressants were duly prescribed and I took them. Unfortunately the side effects outweighed any benefits for me so that was that.
I agree with homerboy that some form of counselling should also be offered to partners as I believe it is to women diagnosed. Certainly my partner was offered it but declined. She doesn’t feel comfortable with counsellors. Fair enough, that’s her right. I have called Macmillan once to talk some stuff through and they were very good.
Without a doubt the emphasis must be on the person, usually woman, who has been diagnosed however I think it’s important to remember that other family members are affected too. It makes for a real old mix of emotions.
When I was diagnosed my BCN said if any member of my family needed any help they could call her. If further help was needed she would have a meeting with them one to one. I don’t know if this is universal or just my area, perhaps you could contact your partners BCN, we didn’t have to do this but it was really useful to know, hope this is helpful xx
Hi katyc
My OH was offered counselling but she declined as she is quite a private person and not very good at that sort of thing. She did say that the BCN was happy to speak to anyone else effected as well but at the time I didnt realise it was effecting me. I guess my male pride thought “well if you dont need counselling and you are the one with the illness why would I need it!”
Looking back it did effect me from quite an early stage especially as I not working at the time due to redundancy and parents illness.
Interesting facts on the BBC report theloner. which site was it on, I wouldnt mind reading that.
I have to confess to be like Vesuvius myself sometimes. It’s probably a combination of anger about the diagnosis and how I’m feeling post treatment (aches and pain, tiredness) and my tolerance level has really dropped. Of course, I take it out on the person closest to me, my other half.
I do have very high standards (especially DIY, cleaning etc) and do expect my husband to meet them although he has a more relaxed attitude to things. We often joke about it but I do find it frustrating at times. That’s okay but when you add illness and treatment to that, it can turn a molehill into a mountain.
It might be helpful to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Sometimes I’ve got so wrapped up in my own feelings and health that I’ve forgotten my husband’s and a very gentle reminder is a good thing.
Also, if you can afford it, how about a cleaner once a week? I’d never had a cleaner in my life but did for a while during the worst patch and it was amazing how much pressure that took off. Cleaning the house would take me days and I’d worry about it and then I had someone in who did it in a couple of hours - wonderful. Better still, if your wife can go out and let them get on with it and come back to a lovely clean house. If we could afford it, I’d definitely still have someone now.
take care and I hope things improve for you.
Elinda x
If you have a Maggie’s centre near you, they are brilliant for anyone affected by cancer. Very supposrtive and understanding.
The thing is, yes getting a cancer diagnosis and esp secondary diagnosis brings your own death right up in your face, and it’s easy to get jealous of the OH and other people, but I must remember that everyone is dying, it’s just a matter of time. There are no garantees and I know if i die in a few years (I’m 42, my husband is 41), my husband could get cancer in maybe 10 years just like his dad had and died with 54. I personally don’t get angry at my husband, I feel so sorry for him if I have to leave him alone behind in this cold world, without me, maybe getting old and if health difficulties arrive with him, than he hasn’t got me to support him, like he is supporting me right now.
I think it is very hard for you, my OH has been fantastic but looks so worn and worried after looking after me, supporting the rest of the family and working. I can’t say I haven’t unfairly huffed at him at points and made it all about ME ME ME.
My MiL very kindly gave me some money to have a cleaner once a week whilst I was going through chemotherapy and she has been a godsend. I think there would have been far more fallouts over the state of the house without her and I’m not even particularly houseproud. So I second Elinda on that one.
Also with Christine that the worst thoughts I have are not really of me dying but of the pain that I know I would leave behind with my husband and girls if that happened. After chemo, surgery and radiotherapy hopefully we will get old together but it is a thought that I can’t get out of my head.
Good luck and keep calm, I think being scared and feeling pants makes most of us a bit snappy to say the least. xxxxx
I have found this thread to be really interesting. We all argue with our OH it is just that we have C to add to it which isn’t helping. Like some posts you have heard things from our point of view as we are the one’s with the C and we have heard your point of view. I thank you for that and sharing with us as we all need to talk. My OH is amazing and i love him very much. We are all human and life is hard but you never know what is around the corner !!
Keep the love and hugs on tap it is free and a smile on the out side is good for the inside. xxx
Some wonderful insights and advice so thank you to all. Picking up on employing a cleaner…well, if we did I’d pity that cleaner as my OH would probably go around after them pointing out what they hadn’t done or hadn’t done well enough. The cleaner would probably end up more stressed than we are. Have to say, and I know she wouldn’t mind me saying this, the OH is just a little OCD with cleaning. But thanks for the suggestion.
Some of you have said about talking to her about my feelings…I guess I have tended to bottle stuff up. I think it’s a common male reaction especially when we feel guilty ourselves about being the ‘healthy’ one. And of course I don’t want to talk about me when she is the one going through it. Unfortunately I don’t have any close friends that I’d talk to about this so it just stays in my head.
Unfortunately arguing seems par for the course in relationships to some degree. It is sometimes difficult to gauge what causes an outburst. You are not alone in the boat and I can’t begin to imagine what it is like to deal with the physical and mental pressure my wife is going through. She also has high standards and I am far too slow at raising my game, which is fair comment - Clearly living by myself or with other males has required my compass to be reset, which is certainly no bad thing
My wife is the whole point of my life and I have to just take on the chin some things that may or may not be genuine niggles. I am certainly no saint and most of what heads my way is definitely called for, but it is difficult sometimes to work out what is a genuine niggle and what is just venting from a bad day/worry/being scared or mood swings from the effects of the treatment. My wife is incredibly strong and simply amazing really, but she doesn’t like to bother people and certainly doesn’t use her situation as an excuse, she just gets on with it. Ok there are ups and downs but hopefully there will be a time when you can look back and laugh about some of the situations that occurred.
The last two years has been stressful for us but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I truly hope the same happens for you. In the meantime I will be trying hard to raise my game and be less of an ape
