arrrgh...

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Hello all,

 

Had a wobble so phoned a friend. Yes it’s 1:30 am. Yes I was so stupid to ring them. Feel really alone and very frightened. Kinda telling myself to just pull it together but it’s not working. I tried some food to get comfy with…a cuppa…snuggle up in bed…nope. nothing helps. 

 

Friend had said to ring if I needed anything so I did. Didn’t work out. really didn’t work out.  I didn’t just launch into my concern and what’s troubling me. I tried to guage that they were awake and bright to talk. posed a couple questions to lead in and thought all was fine. how wrong was I. 

 

when I’m telling close friends and family about bc they have since seemed to have forgotten what i’m doing the following day or the next…they forget what they are doing and look almost like a zombie…i even had great concerns that one friend was losing their mind perhaps having had a stroke or heartache. but no…all apparantly fine…one has started to talking about going on a long holiday and lots of outings…how when i will be tired and commited to treatment appointments?!there’s no understanding…no kindness for what i am going through or might be feeling.

 

sorry if this is a moan and groan…i’m just so shocked at how badly people react and how argumentative they are. wanted to talk about fertility issue…just told by friend that I was looking at things far to fast and early…if they’d listened they would have heard me explaining that if I need to see fetility Doctor I need to put the request in when nurse rings me this week. as it might affect start of treatment if they even feel i can wait.Looking at bras and where I might get them - my size not stocked in some places so I need to see what will be available…plus my wired bras not comfy with biopsy sites. 

 

Sorry…i’m fed up…alone and overwhelmed with all the decisions being made for me and those that I have to make while sitting here with this thing inside of me.

 

could say more but I’ll not tonight…i am tired…just so… my head is full. it’s banging.

 

how do others keep going?  

 

How did you get your head around all the elements to this //// situation?

 

can I ask for a hug and someone to just say they understand?   Thank you

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Not wobbling on your own.  Lots of us wobbling with you!  I’m exhausted yet can’t sleep.  I’m lucky that I have family and friends who are very supportive, but until you become member of this club that nobody wants

To join, you cannot begin to understand the stress/anxiety that accompanies the diagnosis…I’ve had lumpectomy and nodes just before Christmas.  Having mastectomy in 10 days and feeling very sad about it at the mo.  Know that I’ll be chirpy again looking on the bright side tomorrow, after all the treatment is lifesaving.  It’s these Twilight hours…

Sorry don’t think I’ve been helpful but at least you know you’re not the only one. Sending a warm hug.

 

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Sending you the biggest virtual hug ? ?

I understand where you are coming from. My head is exploding. I don’t want to be miss miserable for ever but feel overwhelmed with the situation.

I am trying to stay positive and happy, bloody hard !!! I know I will have more decisions to make on Thursday, even harder !!! But for everyone else I am making the effort to stay strong and it is bloody exhausting !!!

I cannot get my head around the c word because I feel fine. I am not ill ? in any way shape or form. I feel a bit sore but that is it.

There are so many things filling our heads and so many things we need to ask. My friend bought me a ‘list’ book. It has been a godsend. No matter how irrational, how early or why you ask something. You have asked it for a reason. Unless they have been given that dreaded diagnosis, no one understands how you feel.

I am thinking of you, keep my Hug ? with you at all times and take it out when you need it. I am here and if I am awake at 1.30am, I will answer you.

Take care pineapple, you are not alone xxxx??

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Morning ladies, we all understand here we truly do, the fear and anxiety is totally over whelming and I didn’t think I would ever feel normal or be able to think straight again , it’s just horrendous!

The early hours I sat shaking in fear of what was to come still chills me now when I think back, trying to process what is happening to us is almost too much and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever been though but it does get better :relaxed:

With every step you begin to accept that this is happening and there is nothing you can do to change it , things will not be as bad as you are fearing once you know your full diagnosis and treatment plan, we can cope with facts , it’s the unknown that is so brutal, you will learn so much and that takes a lot of the fear away, I know it’s so hard but try and just deal with what is happening now and not think too far ahead as it’s too much for our poor brains too cope with! I’m coming up to 2 years from diagnosis now and life is great , you will get there too!! Xx Jo 

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Hi pineapples,

Hugs from me.

Another thing going through this, is the unexpected reactions of family & friends - bad as well as brilliant. I think we’ve all experienced those reactions & it does hit you between the eyes when it does happen.

It is common for those on the outside not to be on the same page or ‘get it.’ 

I felt it sometimes helps to lower expectations of others a bit, if they come through - fantastic, if they don’t then you know where you stand with them & do what’s best for you.

You are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do, the initial days of diagnosis are so difficult, so rant here whenever you need to!

ann x

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I realised very quickly that it was almost impossible for friends and family to understand what I was going through and took refuge with the lovely supportive ladies on this forum to voice my fears and get support .Other people’s reactions can be very disappointing and upsetting ,most are struggling themselves with your diagnosis "if you can get cancer so can they eek !Others scared of losing you "stick your head in the sand and pretend it’s not happening ". Also as someone else has said as you often look perfectly ok they kinda of forget after a while that you are going through something really scary, I remember by husband saying a couple of weeks after diagnosis “why are you crying” really puzzled ,“I’ve got cancer and I’m bloody scared why do you think I’m crying !!!” cue slightly puzzled look …?

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Hi Pineapples,

 

So sorry to be replying so late, I saw your message on the other thread yesterday but the past few days have been so busy letting people around me know what I’m dealing with that time flew without me noticing…

 

Don’t you ever feel alone again, you can always call me (I’m happy to give you my number) and even meet me if you want (I live in London but even if you live outside, we can always meet somewhere!) - I’ve learned these past few days how important it is to have people who care about you around you - I don’t know what I would have done without the wonderfully supportive people around me, I count myself very lucky.

 

I had my second appointment today and it all seems to go so quickly from here - my next appointment is with a fertility clinic, just like you described. 

 

Like I said, I think it’s really important to have supportive and understanding people around you, whether this is family, friends or total strangers like myself - but who do understand what you’re going through - if anything, I can really relate to everything you say so I think it’s important to stay connected to get at the end of the tunnel together.

 

Look forward to hearing from you and sending you lots of hugs xxx

 

Denisa

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Hope you’re in a better place this evening. It’s hard to make people understand that you are not trying to be doom and gloom but have serious life changing decisions that you are under pressure to make before next appointments and these decisions affect your future, I’m lucky my family are grown up as i’m 50 but I find myself just saying i’m fine as people don’t get it. and the stress just waiting to be told what is facing you is awful. I found out yesterday that my daughter is pregnant so want to be so happy but struggling to get there as i have no grade/ stage or treatment plan till Wednesday Just pain from the op x Sending hugs we will all get through this

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Hey Pineapples,

 

Glad you seem to be feeling a little more able to deal with things tonight.  The nights are the worst.  We overthink, and let the demons dance in our brains!  The daylight and hustle and bustle of the day helps to keep the little ba*#%rds under control! Lol!

 

i learned a long time ago, whilst dealing with years of infertility disappointments and distress, that people can rarely put themselves in your place unless they have actually shared your experience.  They mean well, they say “you can always talk to me”, “ring me day or night”, but the reality is, most people don’t get it!  Doesn’t mean they don’t care, they just don’t get it!  

 

And some will will just avoid you!  When my husband had cancer at 30, we had a couple of ‘friends’ actually cross roads to avoid speaking to us and having to acknowledge it!  Then, you will find those people who just get it.  And they mean it, they will listen to you, cry with you, laugh with you, offer practical help, and just be there in silence if that’s what you need.  I know who they are for me, because of our previous experiences, and you will find your people.  I suspect some of them might be ladies you are meeting here! 

 

But, I still need you lot!  Even my best people can’t know exactly how I’m feeling, thankfully!  I hope that they never do!  But we all share a special bond, and shared experiences, even if they are all slightly different!  

And there always seems to be somebody awake, ready with an encouragement! 

 

We all have our alone and scared times, but never, ever hold back from letting that out here.  I know I would have gone mad the night before my surgery without everybody here.  Let us help prevent your ‘mad’! Lol! 

 

And, although I don’t have experience of cancer related fertility issues, I do know about the anguish surrounding fertility issues, treatments and/or coming to terms with being childless.  So if you, or any others who read this, need support in that, I am right here for you. 

 

I hope you mange to have a good night’s sleep.  Stay positive and well.  Huge (careful - I’m still very sore!!) hugs! 

 

Jayne

xx

 

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Pineapples

 

Just a little hello to see how you are this morning.

 

Helena xxx

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It will all soon become second nature Hun! I do feel I could lecture on the binking subject now ? I’m glad to hear you are feeling a bit better after ringing the help line, they are so lovely aren’t they! Xx