As Much As I Have Tried…

Hi. As much as I have tried I never became a BC Warrior. The whole experience rocked my world. I have tried to get back to the ‘me’ I was, but clearly she has gone, forever. The post-op nerve pain is a constant reminder. I’ve ditched the Tamoxifen simply to try to feel human again. 

Hi Stranger

You know how I feel about the whole BC Warrior business. Ffs, we’re not in this to prove ourselves but to survive. It’s not a battle bravely fought (if anyone ever says that about me, I shall try very hard to haunt them and see how brave they feel when facing the unknown! ), it’s trusting the experts, putting up with a lot of unpleasantness and accepting that much of it is the luck of the draw.

I’m so sad to read that you feel you’ve lost yourself in all this. I cant imagine that happening, not with the furry armpit at your side. I know you went through hell and back with radiotherapy and the experience can’t help but change you but you’re still you, just with a bit less flesh and a long-term reminder. I have pregabalin for the neuropathic pain in my breast muscle and ribs. It’s pretty useless with that but I haven’t had a panic attack in over two years - and that is a major achievement. I haven’t even got worked up over my ‘new’ diagnosis (a year old now). C’est la vie. (Autocorrect changed that to Chest - how fitting). 

I hope you manage to recover some of that pre-pandemic Wonky, the Wonky who found a funny side to everything and certainly made me feel a lot better about myself. Don’t give up on yourself !


Jan x

I was poking around on the internet and came across “Survival Mode” as a ‘thing’. It’s the first (and closest) description of what I have been experiencing and it’s been a revelation. 

We are all naturally going to go into ‘survival mode’ during diagnosis and treatment, but someone like me lucky to have been spared, but not moving on, clearly the problem is I haven’t reset my buttons from ‘survival’ to ‘normal’ mode. I figure because of lockdown to a significant degree. Just getting past ‘omg I’m going to be taken by C’ when ‘omg going to be taken by a different C’.

Both extreme reactions I know, but it makes sense now …… when you’re ‘forced’ into an abnormal set of circs involving  contemplating your ‘chances of survival’ if your subconscious takes that to the extreme, it is hard to win an argument with it (your brain).

Don’t expect Shark Cage Diving or Sky Diving from me anytime soon Ladies, but this ‘Survival Mode Syndrome’ makes a lot of sense, so I’ll let you know when I get as far as Sainsburys without panicking.

As always, I’m always aware that many ladies reading this have had far worse to contend with and I’m not making light of that.

Hugs to all,


As always,  

@Wonky   - Hi again Wonky-wonks  Sorry to bov you again, I did ask in an earlier post, but I’m reeeally interested to know WHERE you are getting your post-op nerve pain?? Is it across the front of your chest, underarm, or maybe down your arm??

I have a previous Massage Therapist background, prior to Podiatry, so am very pro physical therapy, having had it myself for my post-op pain. Have you had/tried any form of physical therapy to help try to alleviate it? I’m not necessarily talking Physio. I’m suggesting trying Osteopathy (rather than Chiropractics) which tends to be a more DIRECT manipulation and s t r e t c h i n g to the muscles, ligaments, structures. Have you tried it at all? 3 yrs is a looong time to have to still be putting up with something that may actually be quite easily sorted with a few sessions. I went to see an Osteo with my post-op pain, after my first op. It worked wonders Immediately freed everything up more quickly. I then kept it “free” with the hospital Physio’s exercises for a while after.

hopefully to keep you “cheered” - Here’s a little baby Pangolin waving “HI” to you  Poor, now bordering on extinction, critters! I soo love them. Weird and cute at the same time. Bit like me, really!! Ha blummin Ha 

Here’s me kissing Phlipp, the Dolphin! 

Hope you you can cope better, but you know where to come, if you ever need some propping up, hey. 

Lotsa lurrrv, DoollallyDelly XX