At my wits end

My wife has been diagnosed with and has had surgery for breast cancer.I’ve tried my best to be supportive but all I get back is anger, criticism and hatred. Last stab was "let’s get this straight - I’m the one with  CANCER".  Any suggestion welcome - even that I should face up to it being my fault, which is where I am at the moment.

Welcome to the forum, Your post really takes me back to the days and weeks following my diagnosis, how many times I said the same to my poor husband!


She will be raging with anger at the unfairness of it all and it is so hard to hear from everyone around you that you need to be strong and positive and so on, you can’t see how anyone can understand as it’s not happening to them it’s happening to you!! 


Yours wife reaction is normal and she’s lashing out at you because you are the closet one to her, I would shout at my husband and ask him why he wasn’t fixing this because he fixes everything!! 

God love him he couldn’t do anything right but it gets better, she will begin to feel stronger and more able to cope but she needs your love and support more than ever before right now even though she may not be acting like it she really does! X Jo 

Hello Partner,


I know it is your wife who has cancer, however you are also trying to deal with the situation too and this can be very difficult for both parties.


I take it that your wife’s diagnosis is not new as she has already had surgery. However, I should think she is still trying to make sense of it all,  Is she awaiting further treatment?  This can be a very stressful time especailly if awaiting chemotherapy for example.  Was the surgery extensive and is she trying to come to terms with her new appearance?  Trying to come to terms with the future and all it’s fears?


Perhaps she would benefit, or possibly both benefit, by talking to people outwith the relationship, such as at a cancer support centre.  Counselling is not everyone’s cup of tea, but can be helpful for some.  It may not be readily available in some places and yet easily obtained in others if you have a cancer diagnosis.


Perhaps at a time when it is more relaxed, you could say that you would like her to give you  time to speak open and honestly.  That you know your wife is the one with cancer and ask how she would like you to support her.  It’s ok to say we need support but sometimes it is not clear what we actually mean by that.  Even if a person has cancer, using your nearest and dearest as a verbal punch bag or the one to vent your anger on is not the way to go.


Writing in to the Forum to ask for advice is a show of support in itself. Is she aware of the BCC care forum herself and the information and support available?


 I never had a partner during my BC diagnosis and treatment so not sure how I may have reacted!  However, I know I missed one thing and that was  just having someone to give me hugs, and hold me as only a close partner can during the more worrying and scary times. 


Take care and hope all works out,


Chick X

Sorry to hear. My aunt Lira also reacted in the same manner as my uncle was very supportive and did his best to make her happy. I remember, my aunt was in the enormous complex after recovery, she put on much weight and lost hairs, but my uncle tried his best to bring her out of this situation. He managed perfect diets to lose her weight, gifted her beautiful shapewear to look attractive and organized trips to come her back towards life. This is a tough time; you shouldn’t take hate of your wife serious. She is suffering from worse situations in her life.