Hi,
This is my first post on this or any other forum.Hello.
My wife went to the doctor about two weeks ago with a lump in her breast and the doctor referred her to a specialist for a core biopsy straight away. What worried him was that the lump was hard, craggy and irregular. We had been told by almost everyone not to worry because most breast lumps are benign cysts or just hormonal things that come and go with the menstrual cycle. So to us the appointment was a formality.
I was called in after my wife had her tests to find her in floods of tears and with a nurse whose face had a look of deepest sympathy. I fell apart too. She said that they had found a lump and that they were pretty sure it was cancer. It was like I’d been kicked in the stomach. And my poor wife, oh what a terrible thing to have to hear.
When we got outside my wife said, “The nurse said it was small, bit an inch sounds big to me!”
I lost my mother to ovarian cancer and this just bought the whole nightmare back. My wife is all I have. She is 40 and I am 47. We met late in life and she is my entire world. I hate it even when she bumps her finger on something. When she’s away even for a couple of days I miss her so much. It took me so long to find the woman I wanted to be with. We’ve only been married three years and now I can’t believe what’s happening. Pathetic maybe? Maybe. But it is a total love.
There would be a wait of 7 days for the test results. We still haven’t had the results of the biopsy - they are this Tuesday (16th Oct) but the radiologist was sure it was cancer so at least when we get the results on Tuesday we are ready.
My wife has been very brave. In front of my wife I have been able to put on a brave face but when she’s not around I have been a mess. Every minute is agony. My nights have been plagued by all sorts of morbid thoughts and dark imaginings. In my mind my wife is buried and – unable to cope with her loss - so am I. This week has been without doubt, the worst of my life.
On the advice of my sister I phoned BCC. The people I have spoken to here have been really great. It turned out to be the first step I needed. I have been to my GP too who gave me Diazepam. I wish I knew the name of the BCC nurse on the phone who told me to go to my GP immediatley. She was so helpful. A wonderful person.
Then I phoned the clinic itself and was fortunate enough to get to speak to the doctor who actually did the biopsy. He told me that he was sure it was cancer and that it was not a DCIS and that it was invasive, although of course the results on Tuesday (16th) will tell us for sure. Then he said actually the lump is 0.5 inch (approx 1.2cm), not an inch. He said it had most likely been caught early and he hadn’t seen any initial evidence of it spreading yet to the lymph nodes, although of course without testing the cells we couldn’t really know for sure. He went on to say that most lumps that he tests for are 18mm or so and that, based on the size of my wife’s lump, he thought her prognosis looked pretty good. Should he have said that?
I forgot to ask him something and perhaps someone here could help me? Can even a small tumour that has not spread to the lymphs just bypass them and go straight to the lungs, bones, brain etc? My wife, as I say is 40, and pre-menopausal. I’m told that that means the cancer will most likely be more aggressive.
B
Every single thing you wrote brought back the horrible memories of my wife’s diagnosis in January this year, you have to cling to the fact that you haven’t been told its breast cancer yet, but if it is I promise it gets easier when a treatment plan is in place. My wife had three small tumours which added together came to 5cms and grade 3 which is aggressive thank god it hadn’t gone to her lymph nodes ,if you receive bad news well then you will just have to support and love her (you obviously do)I have been married 27 years my wife is 48 and she is my life I would have changed places with her in a wink of an eye. They look for two things I think for spread has it gone to the lymph nodes and has it gone through blood they will be able to tell you this from the pathology report. One thing i have always done is try not to get upset in front of her (I used to go in the garage and cry like a baby wipe myself down and come back as upbeat as i could be. Go with her if you can to her appointments hold her hand. Keep the thought it might not be cancer let us know the result and PM me any questions you want.
Hi B,
I am sorry you have had to join us and hope you feel better when you have the results.
Cancer of the ovaries is really a killer because it is rare to catch it in time. I really hope your wife has a better situation than your mother.
It isn’t just a question of hand-holding, but of listening together to what the doctors say about treatment. Your wife is lucky to have you to support her.
The treatment of breast cancer is much more differentiated than it was ten or twenty years ago. The tumour, if it is cancer, will be analysed so the appropriate treatment can be given.
I was sixty when I was diagnosed and I had 2 lumps. One was 1.4 and one 1.2. They don’t add them together but take the larger. That is quite small really and quite likely not to have spread. I think the doctor was right to say that. But of course the doctors can’t give much reassurance until they have the evidence.
I had to have chemotherapy because the cancer was G3, which means aggressive, but the chemotherapy was fairly tolerable.
But I’m really glad you’re getting some help for yourself. With luck you’ll find yourselves in a happier frame of mind in the course of time.
Hi kevinj,
Thanks for your reply.
I’m sorry for bringing back the memories of your own wife’s diagnosis.
To be honest I’m glad the doctor has told us early that he thinks it is cancer. His actual words to her at the time were, “I don’t like the look of it. Let’s not beat around the bush,we’re talking cancer”. And when I spoke to him myself on the phone two days ago he again said that he was sure that it was because all three tests exhibited all the signs of it. My wife and I have resigned ourselves to it being cancer because I think the chance of him being wrong are probably tiny.
So we will go to the hospital on Tuesday wanting to know how aggrssive it is and the best way of treating it. I’m not sure – perhaps someone on here could enlighten me - but I think this pathologist report will only cover the actual lump itself and not whether it has spread to the lymph nodes. For that I think we may well have to wait until after the operation. Another wait!
I am looking forward to a treatment plan, mainly because it will hopefully provide some feeling of momentum; perhaps a feeling that my wife’s recovery starts then.
I absolutely agree with you, Kevinj, about going off somewhere, like a garage, and crying. I really understand and know what you mean. It’s so hard but I want to let my wife think that I am in control and there for her.
I will definitely be going with her to the hospital. The waiting is agony and although the doctor has told us that it is only 12mm and a very early catch I can’t help wondering that her being pre-menopausal = Grade 3 aggressive. It is always the case, or usually?
Hi Zeppa,
Thanks you so much for your reply.
Yes my mother was so unlucky.
I will be with my wife every step of the way and I’m keen to build up a support network of friends and family.
I really hope that my wife’s cancer lump being 12mm hasn’t spread. The doc did say that it was quite unlikely to have, but I can’t help worrying because of her being pre-menopausal.
I am so sorry to read of your wife’s diagnosis and your love for her shines out of every word you have written. I know this sounds mad, but right now you are at the hardest, most terrifying place, and once you have a treatment plan you will regain some control and feel better. Can I suggest you and your wife make a list of questions you want to ask on Tuesday and take it with you? Try to avoid googling things, because a lot of the stuff you find will be out of date or plain old fashioned wrong. Better to stick with the main BCC site, MacMillan or CRUK. There are no silly questions, so please don’t be afraid to post them on here.
If you check my profile blurb, you will see I was 47 at diagnosis, so not so much older than your wife. My tumour was massive at 8cm, aggressive and with some spread to lymph nodes. I had chemo, surgery and radiotherapy - the works! But two years later I am well, happy and living life to the full. I can’t promise your wife will have the same outcome, but do listen to what the consultant says, which suggests he is hopeful of a really good outcome.
Just take things one day at a time, plan in little treats for yourselves and keep talking. Right now it will all feel enormous and overpowering, but once you know what you have to face, you will find the inner resources to get through.
PS If you wonder why I’m still around posting two years on, there are a fair number of us who keep in touch via this site and try to offer support to people who are as scared as we once were.
Hi bob and so sorry to hear about your situation.
I was diagnosed with bc 2 months ago and most on this site will tell you that the waiting is the hardest thing. I was pretty much told at my ultrasound that I had cancer so it wasn’t a shock when I got the results.
In answer to a couple of your questions, I’m premenopausal (aged 43) and my cancer was classed as Grade 2 from the biopsy (although grades can change following the lump being removed and the pathology report after this). I’m having chemo before surgery to try and shrink my lump as its in a tricky place.
In relation to lymph node surgery-I had a Sentinel Node Biopsy which is a day proceedure. Its quite complicated to explain but I think there is information on this site about what the procedure entails.
You are right that having a treatment plan will give you both a focus and momentum. I hope you don’t mind me saying but your wife is fortunate in having such a supportive and loving partner. Having said that you also have to look after yourself and get support if you need it-if your wife does get a BC diagnosis then she’ll be assigned a Breast care nurse who can help you both.
This site is great source of support too. Let us know how you get on
Hi Bob,
I was like your wife and knew that I had Breast Cancer before the official test results. My GP used the word tumour even when I was just at the doctors surgery so by the time I had the Mammogram, Ultrasound and Biopsy I was pretty sure that I had Cancer.
I had a skin sparing mastectomy and at the same time the surgeon removes the sentinel node to determine whether the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, which in my case it had. I therefore had to have an Axillary Node Clearance and cancer was only found in two out of four nodes , but this meant that I needed Chemotherapy.
I will be thinking about you both on Tues and trust that you will stay strong for your wife. She needs you to be calm, caring and loving , which you obviously are. You will be very surprised at how this diagnosis can change you as a person.
Let us all know how things progress . Sending you both big hugs. PS What is your wifes name so I can hold her in my thoughts ?
Tracy xxx
Hello RevCat,
Thank you for your wonderful reply. I’m so pleased at your outcome and impressed by your attitude.
Belive me I am the lucky one to be with my wife. She is an exceptional person.
We will indeed make a list of questions and I will take a notepad and write down answers too. I have a feeling there might be a lot to take in.
You’re absolutely right about googling. I did that for the first three days and was driving myself mad. It was such a bad idea. Now I stick to BCC or Macmillan only.
Thanks again for your reply, I really appreciate it.
Bob
Hi Sukiem,
Yes we were the same, pretty much told at the ultrasound.
I’m surprised actually how many have the chemo before the surgery. I really didn’t know it could actually shrink a cancer. Blimey!
Thank you for replying and for your kind words. All the best with your treatment.
I will let you know how we get on with the biopsy results on Tuesday.
Bob
Hi tracyld,
I’m so sorry to hear that it had spread to two of the lymph nodes. The best of luck with your chemo. I hear that many women find the treatment to be not as bad as they thought.
I will let you know what happens on Tuesday. I can’t pretend that I’m not scared. I try to be calm but of course inside I am a wreck.
My wife’s name is Rosie, by the way.
Thank you so much,
Bob
x
Hi Bob, I want to offer my support like others on here. I found a lump aged 50 almost 18 mths ago. I went to the hospital alone for my biopsy and both the consultant radiographer and breast surgeon prepared me for the news that I had most probably got a malignant tumour. That was probably the worst day because I drove back alone in the car terrified of the future and how my husband would cope with the news. The sentinel node and two other nodes were removed during my skin sparing mastectomy. I had one lymph node affected therefore I needed chemotherapy and radiotherapy to help prevent a local recurrance in the skin and surrounding lymph nodes on my collar bone and anxillary node clearance to prevent a spread. I will be thinking of you both When you’re wife receives her biopsy result on Tuesday. You sound like a terrific husband . My husband was with me on the day of the result of the biopsy, I’m not sure who needed looking after the most! He was so visibly shaken and has been so supportive, he attended every chemo appointment with me which really helped me. I can’t say its been easy but its certainly brought us closer together and has made us value each other and life more. Keep us informed of how you both get on if you are able.
Jo xxx
Hi Jube,
Thank you for your reply.
I think you’re absolutely right. These traumatic things do bring people, especially couples, even closer together. I’m sure too that many people who have had cancer and the susequent treatment live their lives anew afterwards, the whole experience having reminded them of how precious life is and how important it is to really live it.
I’m sorry to hear that your lymph nodes were affected and that you needed a mastectomy. How big was your lump, if you don’t mind me asking?
Your husband sounds like once he got over the initial shock he has been really supportive. I will be with my wife every step of the way.
Bob
x
Good Morning Bob and Rosie,
Thinking of you x sending positive vibes.
I was a July 2010 dx so my Chemo is all over and yes it was fine. I did the cold cap treatment so never lost my hair and I was never sick once as the anti sickness meds are so good.
Like RevCat says we come on here to support people just like yourselves who need us to wrap our loving arms around you and give you big hugs. It is a lovely sunny morning here so get out in the fresh air and take in the beauty of the autumn leaves in all their splendour.
We will all be thinking of you Rosie tomorrow. Love Tracy xxx
Hi Bob
Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and your wife, you really are in the worst possible place at the minute and if the biopsy results are positive you’ll unfortunately be in the waiting room for a few more weeks. They can only tell so much from the biopsy and you wont know the details of the pathology until after surgery. I had a 19mm lump which my surgeon told me was “tiny” in breast cancer terms, my lymph nodes were clear on ultra sound. I had a WLE (lumpectomy) and Sentinal node biopsy where 4 nodes were removed, this showed a micro met on one lymph node, less than half a mm in size so too small to show on the scan, I then had a full node clearance, the rest of my nodes were clear. My tumour was grade 2 and strongly hormone positive, I was told I was borderline for chemo but opted to have it, I wanted to know i’d done everything possible, chemo was ok and I worked through most of it. I’ve now finished active treatment and am on Tamoxifen, my hair is growing back.
I don’t think your wife being young makes the cancer more aggressive, I discussed this with my onc and my gp and both said the same, that many years ago when treatments were limited for BC the younger you were on diagnosis the less chance you had of living to old age, it’s very different now, age doesn’t come into it and the treatments for it are so effective, many more people survive than don’t, although I realise you’ll focus on the negative, I still do that now. I’m 44 with a 5 year old daughter, my fear that she will grow up without me are never far away, hopefully this will pass in time.
Take care
Lydia x
Hi Bob,
Just wanted to send you and your wife a huge virtual hug. Like everyone has said waiting is the pits. I was diagnosed in Feb after finding my lump had WLE and SNB, my tumour was tiny 9mm no node involvement but grade 3 her2+ and hormone positive… I’ve now been through 8 cycles of chemo and am on 15 of 19 rads and will have to have herceptin till next June (every 3 weeks) and tamoxifen for 5 years as pre-menpausal. The chemo was doable, not pleasant but nowhere near as bad as I thought and I was still able to work and go out as normal apart from the week after chemo when your bloods are low and best to avoid places where you can get an infection. My Onc says my prognosis is pretty good so try not to speculate too much about the grade.
Will be thinking of you both tomorrow, please let us know how you get on.
Love
KQ
Hi Tracy,
Thank you. I lke the sound of that cold cap treatment. If Rosie does have to have chemo then not losing her hair would certainly make it easier for her!
Bob
xx
I am glad to see that you’re getting some good support from your fellow forum users and that you found our helpline useful. I don’t know if you were sent any of BCC’s publications from my colleague on the helpline but if not I’ve put links below to some that you and your wife might find helpful.
Hello Lydia,
Thanks for your reply. Your prognosis sounds really good. It’s natural to worry about recurrence, but seeing as you’ve had chemo that must dramatically reduce that possibility I would have thought?
Our biopsy results are tomorrow morning. I know that they might well show that the cancer is aggressive and that chemo is needed. In fact i feel sure that is what we’ll be told. I don’t fully understand about hormone positive/negative, triple negative, HER2 etc, but hopefully this will all be clear tomorrow.
This waiting is so awful and I hope that it does prove to be the worst part, although I can’t help feeling that waiting for the results of a node biopsy after the op to see if it has spread sounds perhaps even worse. And what then? Another wait to see if a blood test or x-ray tells us it’s spread further? To be perfectly honest those waits sound even more scary than this one!
Bob
x