Maybe some of you can help me with my conflicting thoughts now that my treatment has “finished”. I had lumpectomy and radiotherapy and just recovered from the side effects of radiotherapy. Firstly can I say that although friends and relatives rallied round fantastically initially I am shocked that this support has now disappeared apart from a couple of lovely ladies, who have been through cancer too. My supposed BF said “we will be positive and proactive” and then disappeared apart from one email 6 weeks after the operation to say how was I and sorry she had not been to see me but had been busy. After replying to her I have not heard from her for 2 months. Another couple of relatives who came to first appointments with me when hubby could not get time off work seem to have disappeared too. I guess they all struggle to cope with my diagnosis, but I hardly talk about it at all as I realise that people just want you to say you are fine now, which we all know we are not at this stage.
My youngest son, who I am very close to, seems not to be able to talk about it at all. My eldest son was very concerned and supportive but now he and wife seem just concerned with when I can visit to babysit again (a 3 hour journey and then staying for a few days each time whilst they travel abroad for work) and although hubby has been fantastic I know he just wants to move on and seems mostly concerned with when we can book a holiday. Am I being selfish/unrealistic to have hoped for things to be different?
I am visiting support groups to try to get support from them and am on a waiting list for counselling. I see my oncologist next week. Any tips on how I can move on? Many thanks
Hi ellajo,
I think most of us have these feelings to varying degrees.
Having felt positive during treatment, I went through a low patch once it had fininshed. At this stage, I feel we’re still processing it, whilst others, although supportive in the initial ‘crisis’ bit, simply do not feel the same way or appreciate feelings can remain difficult for us once treatment is over.
Anyway, it’s good to hear you’re looking at other avenues of support for this stage. I found it helpful to get back into usual activities & adjusted my expectations of others a bit. Coming on here was great, as it was reassuring to see I was not alone in this.
For me, these feelings did pass & aside from posting here, I don’t really think about it now.
ann x
Hi ellajo
I feel exactly the same as you. I am waiting ( again) for counselling. I too am seeing my Oncologist in January.
Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful but wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Xx
Hi EllaJo. Firstly sorry that you’re feeling so low. I had 2 WLEs and 5 weeks of radiotherapy for DCIS and my treatment finished in August 2015. While I had no skin problems with the rads I did get very tired, and being tired gives me a low mood. This is a time for taking care of yourself and resting.
You sound like you are feeling isolated in the sense that those around you don’t know how to support you. It’s tough, but I think the prospect of losing you means that your family go through their own trauma. I felt that I needed to put on a brave face especially for my daughter and not express my feelings about the DCIS. In fact I made light of it. Even now more than 3 years on, she still finds it difficult to talk about and gets very upset. She basically had a breakdown about a year after my treatment finished. What you wrote about your youngest resonated with me.
People deal with things in different ways and sometimes those ways are difficult to understand or feel wrong or unhelpful eg pretending that everything is fine - that was my husband’s preference. He was dealing with things in a way that worked for him, but it left me feeling very alone. We understand that about each other now.
I’m sure your family love you very much.
What helped me? These forums. There’s also a you tube channel called CancerStories which helped me to understand that I was not the only one struggling to cope afterwards. This far on, apart from the usual anxious wait after my surveillance mammogram each year, I can honestly say that I am happier than before the cancer. Good luck x
Hi ellajo, I can relate to how your friends have treated you. When I was first diagnosed friends contacted me every day but as time when on, this stopped. I think they think now you are “back to normal” you are fine. Some have no idea of the emotional feelings that go with your diagnosis. I have found my circle of friends has changed over time. It also made me realise I want to spend time with people I care about rather than people who pick me up then drop me when it suits them. I also agree that some dont know what to say or do so do nothing and would rather avoid you. My hubby is a bit like yours and tries and keeps suggesting days out when really I haven’t got the energy I used to have. I think he has now started to accept this so I guess it just takes time. Nearly 5 years for me!!
Please keep coming on the forum and get support form all the lovely ladies here. Knowing others feel the same is a great help. Also finding a hobby you enjoy can help to meet new people and help you feel better in yourself.
Thank you lovely ladies for all your replies. You have no idea how much it has helped realising that I am not alone with these feelings. Sending you all big hugs xxxxx
What you say resonantes with me, too, as does what everyone else has said. With regards to your son, may I share what I did with my(young adult) children? I had been keeping them updated with treatments etc, and offered them the opportunity to ask questions often during the treatment, but it suddenly occured to me that I had not shared with them the vital information that my surgeon had given me - that all of the cancer had been removed, and that the radiotherapy was the “belt and braces” extra to ensure it wouldn’t return.
Once I shared this information, their relief was almost palpable. I was lucky to be able to say this to them, and though I have since caught them looking very pensive (understandable, really), they are moving forward with me.
If you were previously a strong woman in terms of being the organiser of everything and knowing exactly what you want, it can be very difficult for your husband/family to know exactly what you want, or how to support you - I know it toook me some time to realise this was why my husband wasn’t doing as much as I had hoped, or was doing the wrong things.
I hope these tips help, I know not everyone wants to talk about what they are going through, but sometimes selected members of your circle need to hear it, and even if you haven’t worked it all out yourself, I found that talking helped me get my own head around it, too.
Ellajo, my god this could be me talking, once treatment has come to an end, your family and friends move on, however we are still left hanging on with all the worries I find the best people to talk to are the one who have had cancer the only ones who understand, and give good advise.
TAKE CARE! and look after yourself
Big hugs ? From me to you and all the other wonderful ladies out there xxx