BC causes bereavement

I am nearly 1 yr post diagnosis and have come through some hard times physically and emotionally. I realised recently that I am also suffering in a way similar to bereavement.

I have a sister in law who is my best friend and a wonderful person. She lost her son to suicide 3 yrs ago. She is amazing 99.9% of the time, coping so well with this heartbreak, he was only 22 at the time.

Last wk she was her usual cheerful self then out of the blue she lost it. Was inconsolable and still grieving. It was at that point that I realised we share something. That our lives will never be the same again, and we have to adjust to what has been left behind, an empty space, life is no longer ‘safe’.

For her, she has to come to terms that her son will never marry, have children, pop in to see her with his cheery smile, worry her with his adventurous lifestyle.

For me, I can never 100% turn off from the fact that this illness has made me lose my carefree attitude to life, that I may 1 day die prematurely, before my life is complete. I can’t switch off from my worries, neither can she.

Sorry this is a bit depressing, but I am pretty fed up just now. I feel old and unattractive and fat. I am dieting but not losing weight anymore. I’m back at work part-time but can’t be bothered and would happily leave tomorrow if I could afford to. But the main problem is I have a list of ailments that must be connected to BC namely side affects from arimidex and bonefos, plus a leaking bladder. Seen my GP, no joy. Going to see surgeon for routine check-up tomorrow with my list!

I know others are worse of than me but I can’t shake myself out of this miserable mood. Any tips would be gratefully recieved.


Hi Irene

God - I know just how you feel. I was thinking of posting that I feel miserable and depressed. We’re on similar time scales as well as in the same boat.

My daughter is depressed because her hubby has finally made his decision and left her so I’m now worried about her as well.

Hope we both feel better soon.

Marilyn X

Hi Irene
You poor love, you are having a bad time. I was only diagnosed in March, had a lumpectomy and am on Arimidex, but a friend of my daughters recently told me that she found the first anniversary of her diagnosis very difficult - do you think that’s partly it? I also lost a son 11 years ago when he was just 24. Nothing will ever hurt me as much as that but, to quote the old cliche, time is a great healer. If somebody had told me I would enjoy life again I wouldn’t have believed them, but it is true. Hopefully, the same will be true of you. You are grieving for the person you were before all this happened and for your carefree attitude to life, give it time. Not very helpful I know. I hope the doc comes up with something to ease your physical problems.


I have copied and pasted your wonderful post so I can read and re-read. You have expressed so well what I feel.
I too have a c/u with surgeon coming up - Friday pm at the Institut Curie Paris. I too have a (long) list.
So sad to hear of untimely death of your nephew;
LIFE’S A BITTCH AND THEN YOU DIE. I think it was Quentin Crisp who said that.
Good to hear that it is not just ME. Hope you have a better day tomorrow


Hi irene
I do so feel for you, I have often related my feelings to that of bereavement. My brother’s marriage broke down and his wife left him last year when I was going through my treatment. He lives abroad and would phone me every eve of chemo and then six days in to see how I was doin. He was so giving and yet he later told me it was because he knew that I knew how he felt, in that I had lost my old life forever and that in itself is a bereavement. We would cry down the phone together…we’d both talk about our loss and eventually we started to smile and laugh. I realise now that time does help, and I was glad to get past that first anniversary, I don’t have to torture myself with the ‘this time last year…’ thoughts any more so that is a release. The life we had has gone forever, but we can just live a slightly different one now. Time does help us get used to things, but we will never forget and I think most people understand that. Still, having a good cry can help and if not screaming into a pillow is good one!!
Take care and lots of love and hugs

Irene, I too am one year post diagnosis and feel exactly like you. I don’t come on these sites much as I feel myself obssessing then I get reallty weepy. I cried all last night, during the night and all morning… had a good sob as i cleaned the loo. I am on anti depressants but still the slightest thing sets me off. I feel like I will never wake up not thinking of bc. I have a stiff shoulder from surgery and node sampling and have to do exercises still and am not even sure how long I should be “moisturising in an upward manner” so these activities serve as a constant reminder. I even cried in Tesco the other day trying to decide which cat food to buy. Everything takes a huge amount of effort and i
just want to go to bed and stay there. I am sure there must be thousands of women feeling like this and, where I can’t offer a solution, I can definately sympathise

Lots of love