Been so stupid, now am terrified

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hi everyone,  This is my first post on here and Im very nervous :smileysad:

I am 61 and have been getting letters to go for mammograms for a few years now.  The thing is, I have never been because I am terrified of the results.  I know how stupid this is but I just couldnt help it, its my biggest fear and something I just cant deal with.  Even more stupid is that I have had various symptoms for years - pain, feelings of fullness, feeling like theres something there if I brush up against something, tenderness in breasts and armpits. 

 

I recently received another letter to go for a mammogram and my daughter saw it and said how silly I had been never to have had one done before so I have made an appointment, its at the end of October.

 

The thing is, through my own stupidness, Im now even more scared as, if the symptoms Ive had over the years were bc then it will probably be too late to do anything about it.

 

I am not strong enough to deal with a terminal diagnosis, I have suffered with depression and anxiety for years, including health anxiety, and I have always known that I would never have the courage to deal with finding out that nothing could be done.

 

It took me a lot of courage to register on this forum so I hope that someone may understand how scared I am and be prepared to have a chat.

 

Thank you for reading

 

Chrissy

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Hi Chrissy

 

I am so sorry that you have been so scared about having mammograms in the past. I think it is quite common that we don’t want to know in case it’s bad news. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You now have an appointment and no one can tell you what the outcome might be, but rest assured you will be treated with respect and checked thoroughly. 

 

Cancers usually take years to develop so even if there is something going on it is jumping to conclusions to assume that it would be terminal.

 

Everyone here is lovely and will support you through this.

 

Take care.

 

Mary

 

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Hi Chrissy,
I’m new on here too. I’m 35 and am finding it hard to think about bad news. I have been referred by my gp because of changed I noticed over the last month.
Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemy by self diagnosing via google, I know as I do this far too often but if you are worried about anything go and see your gp. They can refer you to the clinic sooner. Waiting can be hard to do but from the short space of time I’ve been on this forum, I know we are not on our own.
I hope everything works out as you hope for.
Love and hugs,
Debs x

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Thank you both so much for your replies, it means a lot.  I feel so selfish because I havent been diagnosed yet and people on here are going through all sorts but my health anxiety makes everything so hard to deal with.  I have never been so scared in my life.

 

Chrissy

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Thanks for your message Jenji, Im just so scared.  Pain in the breasts seems worse recently but I dont know if its because Im focusing so much on them since getting the letter for the mammogram.  I really dont know how Im going to get to the appointment let alone deal with the outcome.

 

Chrissy

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No I havent spoken to the gp about it, anxiety again.  I had thought that maybe I could ask to have mammogram earlier if there were any cancellations or something but to be honest Im not sure I want it to come any quicker.  My daughter has said that she will come with me.  Everything is such a mess :smileysad:

 

Chrissy

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So here I am, still panicking, still driving myself mad.  My anxiety and depression (which I have suffered with for years) are virtually uncontrollable now.  I have been thinking about various other symptoms I have had over the last few months like a painful elbow and some back pain and have convinced myself that these symptoms are because the cancer has spread to the bones and other organs.  I still have various aches and pains in the breasts as well but am too terrified to examine my breasts.  I dont know how I got like this, how Ive allowed things to go so far.

 

I went to see the gp last week about coming off my acid reflux medication and while I was there I told her that I was going for my first ever mammogram.  She looked at the computer screen, obviously thinking ‘why is this your first one at your age?’  I said ‘please dont have a go at me’ but she smiled because she knows about my health anxiety.  She said its better to find these things early but it might not be early, I could have had it for years due to my own stupidity.  She said if it was that far advanced then you would know about it.  I reminded her that I had been unwell for a long time now and she said that was because of my anxiety.  She said that all the blood tests I’d had done at the beginning of the year would have shown something if it had advanced cancer.

 

I think my family are getting fed up with me going on about it but I cant help it, it has taken over my life.  I dont know how you deal with the worst case scenario, I dont know how you tell your family that you have cancer, I dont know how you deal with waiting for ongoing test results and how you cope if you are told that its too late to do anything.

 

I have read many threads on this forum and I am totally overawed by the courage of people on here.  I know that I dont possess that courage and I already feel like my world has collapsed.

 

Chrissy

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Thank you Jo, I may do that, I thought the helpline was only for people who had already been diagnosed.

 

And thank you poemsgalore for your kind words.

 

Chrissy

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Hello there
I know exactly how you are feeling,you and I are re exactly the same I suffer with depression anxiety,and I also had the courage to go for mammogram,it is not as bad as you think,I have had biopsies too and find out this Thursday ,my gp is helping me get through this,I just cannot face anyone at the moment or go out its a horrible feeling hope you go on ok?chin up Sharon xxx

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hi Sharon, Thank you so much for your reply.  Mammogram is this Friday, terrified isn’t the word.  The thing is, even after going through the mammogram the worst part is still to come really - waiting for the results.  Am surviving on very little sleep.  Good luck with your results on Thursday, hope everything turns out to be ok.

 

Chrissy x

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Hi ladies,

I’ve just been reading through this thread, and I have to say, it brings it all back to me. I too was incredibly anxious and depressed. I have suffered with anxiety and depression on and off for many years. My mum committed suicide when I was 23 and had a nine-month-old baby. So that’s 23 years of anxiety, stress depression etc!

Anyhow, I can say with all honesty that the waiting is most definitely the hardest part; waiting for tests, biopsies, scans etc. and then having to wait for the results. It is torturous to say the least. Get through it in what ever way you can. Talk to whoever you feel comfortable with, talk to the helpline, talk to your doctor, take stress relieving meds if you need them!

The one thing I can promise you wholeheartedly is that, whatever the outcome, you WILL cope with it. Simply because you have to. Even if you get bad news, you will find the strength.

One year ago tomorrow, I was told I had breast cancer. My world came crashing down… For about 5 minutes! I then got practical and started planning how to best deal with things like telling family and friends etc. I have 3 kids, the youngest was only 10 at the time.

Here I am, a year later, writing this post. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re ‘normal’; just a new kind of normal. I’m now experiencing pain and swelling in the area below my mastectomy scar, but I’m trying not to worry. I have my 12 month mammo in a few weeks, so will get it checked out then.

Can I just say, we are all brave in our own way. We do cope in our own way. And Chrissy, you WILL get through this, quite simply because you must. The strength and courage will be there when you most need it.

Love to you all, Mel xx

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hi Mel,

 

Thank you so much for your reply.  You sound like a very strong lady coping as you have over the last year.  Thats the thing, Im in awe of the people who post on here, how they cope and still support others.

 

I suppose I will get through it somehow but its going to be intolerable until I get the results.  Anxiety is spiralling out of control but somehow I need to get a grip on it.

 

Thank you again

 

Chrissy x

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Thank you for your reply.  Im so happy that you got such a good result, you must be so relieved.  I dont knit or sew but usually read a lot but cant even concentrate on that at the moment.  My mind seems to be totally preoccupied with this and I find it hard to think about anything else.

 

Chrissy x

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Chrissy just wishing you the best of luck for tomorrow x

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Hi again,

Chrissy, just wishing you all the best for the mammogram. You will find the strength to cope.

Sharon, congrats on your great result! You must be soooo relieved!

All, you’ll be amazed at how strong you can be when you really need to. And you’ll always get great support from these forums.

Chrissy, just take each day, one-at-a-time. Focus on getting through today, then reward yourself for having done that. Then do the same the next day etc. I found doing puzzles and quizzes helped me loads because you do have to focus your mind. Perhaps give it a try?

Love and massive hugs all, and Chrissy, I can’t wait it hear from you when you’ve got through the first big step. Love Mel xxx

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Hi Chrissy, just wondering how you are. Hoping you’ve coped today. Love Mel xx

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hi Mel,

 

Well I managed it (just about), I was in a bit of a state.  She took the first picture and looked at the screen, dont know if it was my imagination but I thought she looked at it for a while.  She didnt seem to spend so long looking at the 3 other pictures she took.  It was quite painful, hope thats not a bad sign, the side views were the worst.

 

She said the results will take about 2 weeks and to ‘go away and forget about it’.  Who’s she trying to kid, theres no chance of that happening.  One thing I did think though (and I will overthink everything now) is that they tell you that if you get a recall it might be just that the images arent clear but if they check them on the screen when they take them how could that be a reason.

 

2 weeks of this to get through now :smileysad:   I really appreciate your post Mel, means a lot.

 

Chrissy x

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Well done Chrissy I knew you could it. Hopefully won’t be to long till you get your letter but it sure is the wairing that’s the worse, everything goes through your mind. Just hope I can manage the hospital Tuesday, my hubby says I’m going even if he has to drag me there but the breast care nurses know how hospital phobic I am x

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Would you believe it looks like I already have a problem.  Ive just got out of the shower and while I was drying myself I looked in the mirror.  I have prominent veins in both breasts, Im sure they werent there before, now wondering if its something to do with the mammogram as they have been a bit tender since I had it done. :smileysad:

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Thanks Mel, Im being a nightmare I know :smileyembarrassed:

 

Chrissy x