Hi everyone, my 1st post !! I had a mx and reconstruction 3rd July and waiting for results of oncotype test ,I’m very frustrated with my husband as he seems to have no get up and go and since I’ve been diagnosed I want to do more with my life and not continue how it was before, he has been fairly good at looking after me not that I needed much help really , he has never really been one for getting out and about much , he prefers to stay at home and drink cider & watch TV !! I’m finding this extremely boring and go out with friends & my daughter a lot but since this has happened I’m now questioning whether I should leave him , he won’t change as I have had this out with him before and he is still the same , I do love him but dread the future with him ,my daughter said I should leave him as he has no respect for me and she just wants me to be happy but when I think about leaving him I feel quilty ,I’ve been with him for 18years and not once in that time has he ever suggested doing anything, it’s always been me arranging things !! I really feel I owe to myself to enjoy my life more but can’t see me doing that with him , I’m not sure whether I should wait to see if my feelings change ,has anyone else wanted to change their life like this or is it just me ? I really could do with some advice ladies,thanks.
oh this is really a hard one. I was DX feb 2015, had left Mx, chemo, radio, on letrozole. Had scar revision and uplift/reduction on good boob this march 2017. All ok. Implant side still a bit of a mess, but hey, leaving it as is.
Anyway, I felt the same as you. OH was fine during my treatment. But I changed I think. Like yourself I want to be doing things, enjoying my life. He was moaning all the time, about jobs jobs (we run a small b and b), never wanted to do anything, and whenever we did, he ruined it by drinking too much cider and being obnoxious and emabarassing. Instead of getting on with things, he just moaned all the time. GUests loved him and he was great with them, as soon as back with me, moan moan moan.
Well 5 weeks ago, I told him to stop moaning…he said right you want me to go do you, and I actually said YES. Asked him to clear out sheds of loads of rubbish b4 he went, he had collected over the years. Spent hours in sheds clearing but got nowhere, as he was really drinking cider and smoking dope. Moaned all day, worked for 2-3 hours a day and that was it. Told him if he done 8 hours a day, like a normal person, all the jobs would be done fgs. He threw everything away, including all his clothes, including unworn ones. EVerything. I just kept quiet ordered skips and let him get on with it.
Well he has gone back up north, and has actually thanked me for giving him the biggest kick up the backside he has ever had. He realises what he was like, and how he was behaving. He loves me, I think I still love him. I certainly dont want anyone else and neither does he. SO, he has given up the drinking permanently, he says. Hasnt touched a drop for 5 weeks… He hopes to move back this way. But he has to do it on his own. He is working now, and saving money so he can move back
He wants to be back with me, I told him that is possible, but I will not live with him. He has to prove over years, not weeks or months, that he has changed and the drinking has stopped. I have said we will go out on dates, stay over at eachothers, and have holidays together. But I am happy living on my own at the moment. It is creally hard running the business on my own. But I get a pension next year, so I wont have to work as hard, can take time off etc to enjoy life. This should have been shared by us, but now we will just have to see.
The way I see it is, I cant lose. If it works between us it works and if it doesnt, well I havent lost anything cos I have kicked him out anyway and living on my own.
Be strong, and do what feels right for you. My OH wouldnt listen before he went. I tried to explain, many a time but he just would not listen. It took me kicking him our for him to realise and even think about change. While we accept it, they will not change anything. We have talked much much more since hes been gone. Its just such a sham we didnt do that before, again he wouldnt.
Good luck x
2yrs on from a lumpectomy,Radio and constant Letrozole I know how you feel… Haven’t quite got to your stage yet because he will do things but only if I organise them I just keep pushing and we do fall out over our lack of social life but don’t really have an answer xxx
I kicked my violent, abusive, coercive husband of 23 years out 7 years ago. The relief when he had gone, and I could get things done instead of being continually obstructed, has been immense. I got BC this year, and went through the treatment alone, not too bad at all I know how lucky I am. Youngest has just sailed through his GCSEs, in spite of finding out about the BC in the middle, and I could not be more relieved that I never had to deal with all the neurotic nonsense ex imposed on us as well. He as always worse and more abusive if I was weakened in any way.
Yes, it was lonely trekking off to hospital alone, and I was very private about it with friends and other family too, but I am through the worst now and ready to get up and go, work and generally sort my life out. You will be fine on your own, life is for living, not dealing with a man who is taking out his own feelings of uselessness on you. Mine got into enormous debt and then sat and let me pay the interest via the mortgage for nine years. Coercive control that turns out to be! If only I had known! Good luck ladies.
Unconditional love is just a fantasy designed to keep us in our place. Love is an action not a word or a feeling. If you don’t experience love in the form of action, it isn’t there.