My best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer 2024. They are running further tests to see if it has spread. She wont get a prognosis yet or treatment until they know for sure.
If it has spread. What does this mean? Something showed up on her lung and liver. Again results are not through yet. She has confirmed diagnosis of breast cancer.
What could this mean if it might be incurable and does she still get offered treatment? How many years will she have on average?
Is there anything I can do for her practical wise? Is there anything out there to help her live her best life if she only has a few years left that would be available to her?
I just want to be prepared for her and know that she will make the most of whatever the prognosis is and help her do that.
I feel awful that im trying to be practical and not bursting into tears and be selfish thinking of how i feel about it all. To me its more important that she is strong and has the courage to smile and laugh and live every day that she has. I love her and dont want her to suffer through the days. I want an idea of what she could be facing when she gets these results, worst case and ābestā case.
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Welcome @serenity7. Firstly let me say that I do not have secondary BC myself but Iām sure there will be ladies who do along to give you the benefit of their experience with regard to worst case and best case scenarios as you have requested.
I just wanted to say that some of your very understandable questions can only be answered by your friendās medical team and only after confirmation that the spots found on her liver and lungs actually are from secondary breast cancer. They may not be. One question that I can definitely answer though is āWill she still get treatment if she is incurableā. The answer is a resounding yes! Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer is classified as incurable but it is still eminently treatable in most cases. Depending on the age of your friend and the histology of her tumour, she could live many years with the condition being considered chronic, that is, requiring ongoing medical treatment, in her case, for life.
There is no getting away from the fact that most of the treatments are hard and take a lot out of people. Your friend is likely to be extremely fatigued a lot of the time so from a practical viewpoint I would suggest that, if possible, you are on hand to help her to and from appointments, to help stock her freezer with food for days when she will not feel like cooking for herself and generally be on hand if she wants company. The bottom line is that she should determine what help she needs from a practical and emotional perspective and that you and her other friends and family take the lead from her and how she views her situation.
I applaud your wishes that your friend should live out her best life with positivity and I wish you - and her - the very best with that if she indeed does get confirmation that her cancer has spread.
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Hi @serenity7
I think you sound like an amazing friend , many of us on here have had the sad experience of friends and family distancing themselves after a cancer diagnosis so the fact that you want to be there for / with her is a great help in itself .
From a psychological point of view one of the hardest things to deal with is waiting - thereās entirely too much of it . Waiting for results / treatment plans then for the treatment itself and then for the results of the treatment . This is where you both are now , the lack of control really gets to you , it can turn you into an emotional wreck or in an effort to regain some of that control you can try to prepare which is what you are doing so donāt feel bad about that . Thereās really no way to answer some of the questions you have asked - unfortunately you both simply need to wait for them to collect all the results and then they will probably discuss them at multi - disciplinary team meeting before giving results and treatment plan.
One important thing is that while you are waiting this is a good time to try to have some moments of joy and make a few good memories. A cancer diagnosis brings home to you that life is fragile and although itās terrible you can also feel more alive . I felt like this and the few really good experiences I had when I was waiting for results still live very vividly in my mind 2 years down the line. So as well as looking a few weeks ahead is there something that you and your friend can do together now ? Iām not talking about a booking a holiday but maybe a day / night out / a spa day / concert whatever you both like to do .
I also agree with everything that @Tigress has said - and yes be guided by your friend . Also make sure to get some support for yourself if needed . Xx
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Hi @serenity7
You are an amazing best friend. Like @JoanneN has said I have experienced so called friend distancing themselves from me after my diagnosis, then when I said I was hurt by their lack of contact, the gaslight me!
I agree with what had already been said.
You can access help for yourself and your friend from Maggieās if there is one local to you
And Penny Brohn based in Bristol but covers U.K. wide
Here are some links for BCN, secondary group, if required,
- Website: You can register for our services. Or find our publications, more information and support or how to volunteer. Itās all here.
- Helpline: 0808 800 6000 (Mon-Fri 9am-4pm; Sat 9am-1pm). Speak to our trained helpline team. No questions are too big or too small.
- Ask Our Nurses: You can message our nurses here on the forum, or confidentially. Whatever you prefer.
- Someone Like Me: Will match you with a trained volunteer whoās had a similar experience to you. Theyāll be a phone call or email away to answer your questions, offer support, or simply listen. Call on 0800 138 6551 or contact our email volunteers
- Younger Women Together: For people 45 and under. You can choose the support that suits you: online, one day or 2 day residential events. Find an event.
- Moving Forward: Finishing treatment can be hard, and it can be difficult to move forward with your life. You can access our support online or face-to-face. Our online information hub and Moving Forward journal provide extra ideas and information. Courses run over 2 weeks, with 2 3.5hr sessions. Or trained facilitators and volunteers are there to help. Find a course near you.
- Publications: Download and order publications. You can read online or order your copy for free. From managing menopausal symptoms, hormone treatment or triple negative breast cancer, our information is here for you.
- BECCA: Our free app is your pocket companion to primary breast cancer.
- Speaker Live: sessions are on every month. They focus on the topics that matter to you, lead by expert speakers from across the UK. You can register for one of our webinars, and watch it live, or as a recording. We also have Facebook and Instagram Live sessions run by our clinical team on a huge range of topics. You can find them all on YouTube
- Secondary breast cancer is full of uncertainties. But you can count onLiving with Secondary Breast Cancer to be there for you, no matter what. Youāll be able to talk, listen and learn with people who understand the challenges that secondary breast cancer brings. Our groups are open to people with a secondary diagnosis. Monthly sessions, facilitated by a therapist, are held in a variety of locations across the UK and online. Find a group. And if you are 45 or under? Our Younger Women with Secondaries Together events provide information and support
- LiveChat: Open to people with a secondary diagnosis. A private chat room where you can talk to others in a similar situation.
- Access Fund ā all our events are free, but if you need help getting there or accessing our services, let us know. Email us at accessfund@breastcancernow.org or call 0345 077 1893.
Thank you for reaching out and being an amazing person 
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I donāt have secondary breast cancer so can only comment on general support.
The things that helped me most were:
My friend being there when I needed to offload or cry.
Going out for walks together
Coffee or lunch out
Encouraging me to do things that are as normal as possible rather than the cancer dictating my life.
I donāt know how I would have got through the past few months without my friend. Your friend is lucky to have you for support. x
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I have metastatic breast cancer, spread to my liver. I would say she is unlikely to be given best case and worst case scenarios. The doctors canāt predict how she will respond to treatment, and in most cases itās probably not helpful to saddle someone with a āuse byā date. I have never asked for a prognosis and never been given one. I know I will know when things begin to deteriorate and in the meantime I plan to enjoy each day as well as I can. I think she is lucky to have such a caring friend, and I think the best way to help her is to just be that friend.
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@Tigress Thank you so much for this insight. She gets her results back next week, it is, given the circumstances - worst case - she will still receive treatment and has the potential to be living years. I was dreading that she would get a number of years, and was worried they might not treat. I plan to be readily available should she need support. Thank you again 
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@JoanneN thank you for the insights on the process behind the scenes. Thank you for your kind words. It really feels lile for both her and me every day closer to her getting the results seems to make it farther away.
Iām so distracted, sheās described feeling this too, staring into space not particulalry thinking about anything. Forgetful. When shes had time off after appointments its difficult because i live an hour away and have two school age children and two dogs. So i have taken her to an apointment and stayed with her, arranged childcare.
Im trying to occupy myself which isnt difficult because im studying fulltime. And Ive sorted things out so i can stay with her and help her during treatment.
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@naughty_boob thank you so much for this. I might well need it. No i cant let her go through this, my minds running rampant about things sheāll experience that is going to challenge her emotionally and mentally whilst she is already going to have to handle the physical response to treatment.
Seeing babies in prams is triggering, and elderly ladies walking past spending time together. Ive not cried, allot of people shes told have burst into tears immeadiately and i started wondering if somethings wrong with me. Because i equally feel the same way, its really heavy, when she told me i felt like an elephant had sat on my chest, and felt like crying and i just stopped myself and thought No i need to be strong for her. Im sure ill let it all out eventually. These support groups will be valuable for us and i really appreciate your direction.
Thank you 
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@holly.52 thank you, she will be at home allot, and i live an hour away. So she is sorting out a gamestation console and an online acct for when i cant be there. I have two school age children.
I have sorted out childcare and plan to stay overnight when she is alone. I do have a question, my children are always bringing colds and coughs home, i was worried that during her chemo she will be more susceptible to this. Which is mainly why we have decided to do the game console route as an addition or alternative if someone is ill in my household. I dont want to make her feel worse.
If its just a kid has a cold or sniffles at home and i have not, risky for her potentially for me to be with her, if not so much other than antibacterial hand gel what other precautions can i take?
I know she was also worried about her dog bringing things home, but also was conflicted because it says you can still mingle and go out as normal too so it must not be too big of an issue?
I plan to take her out if she is feeling up to it during treatment. We have already done this, just i dont want to risk her health further and we are not sure about the realistic implications of this being an issue.
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Thank you for this, this has cleared up allot of questions i had on my mind. Really appreciate it 
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Glad to be of help
I noticed on another reply you mentioned children and illnesses.
Lots of people have treatment for cancer and live with their own children. I have worked in schools for over 20 years and have not been back due to catching something. But I was with 30 children from different homes at a time and moved to different classes. So more of a chance of catching something.
The only thing I will say is, we have all learnt a lot through Covid and many of the precautions are still valid with immune suppressed individuals. If you are ill, maybe stay away and communicate online (FaceTime/videocall). If your children are ill, maybe wear a mask and open windows to ventilate the room. Remember the government adverts about germs spreading through the air. Yes wash your hands as much as you can, especially preparing food.
I had other health issues before cancer and was more immune suppressed during my chemo, my continuing treatment still suppressing my immune system but not as much. I tend to wear a mask in hospital/GP settings and busy areas. I was ill enough with treatment I didnāt want to catch anything else.
Take care and I hope the results are better than you had hoped and that a treatment plan is in place if required.
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Yes time plays nasty tricks on you when youāre waiting and I can remember setting the microwave off twice without having put the food in first . I usually managed to something nice every day and held onto that memory in the evening which was the hardest part of the day for me but keeping busy works too. Iāve been doing Yoga and cold water swimming for a long time so I found those things helpful .
It sounds like you are doing everything you can for your friend. Xx
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@naughty_boob Thank you for this, this is very helpful. I think, nobody close to me in my family or friends have been diagnosed with cancer. My dad has been caught early with leukeamia but is not at the stage of treatment. I have family in the states who have had cancers, my mother relocated to the UK when i was a child. So when my best friend told me the news I have been trying to get an idea of what she will go through. This has really helped me put everything into perspective and I feel more confident that I can support her thank you
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There is a clue there - you say your dad has been diagnosed with a blood cancer - Leukemia and that he is not at the stage of treatment. I would be very anxious about that I think. Also you have a number of people in your family living in America so you may be feeling lonely and helpless. Are you imagining how you would feel or are you wondering how she feels? Whichever it is, your thoughts may be way off how she is feeling. Just be kind and useful, as my husband likes to put it. Heās right about some things!
Best wishes serenity7 and may you continue to be serene, cool, calm and collected.
Seagulls
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My mum keeps me up to date with dads current situation. We havent talked about chemo at all because shes assured me hes a long eay pff they caught it reallg early. Hes not been well for years, im seeing him regulalrly. My best friend is like a sister, weve been best friends since she was 8yo and i am feeling things separately from her but tbh we are more or less on the same page and finishe each others sentences. I am trying to not offload how im feeling on her, but i want to be prepared for what she might be facing so i know what i can do. Thank you for your advice i do appreciate it and it gives me something to think on x
Dear Serenity7
I can tell you are a very kind and loving person and itās great you have a close friend. Surely she would want to do everything to help you? Itās not burdening her, you need a sleeve to cry on. And having you there, whatever each of you has to face must be a great help. Donāt take things too hard as time changes, you will move on from some of the painful feelings you have now, and will learn something about yourself from this and future experiences. Take it from me, a wise and sometimes foolish old birdā¦
Seagulls
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