I know I am lucky, but I feel so alone.
I have a grade 2 small lump (slightly less than 1cm). The needle biopsy showed no obvious spreading so on Tuesday I will have lumpectomy and sentinel lymph node biopsy. There should, all being well, be no need for chemotherapy. Just radiotherapy.
This was picked up on a routine mamagram. In the midst of this I was waiting for a throaty cancer illumination appointment (only days apart). I am clear of throats cancer (phew)! and it is believed that the horrendous cough and continuous infections may have been the result of a sirdupla inhaler and possible silent reflux. I am now back to using clenil for my asthma. Thankfully this seems to have settled.
I may or may not have permanent voice damage but we can work on that after the cancer treatment is complete. I have a language therapist.
We are new to our area after returning from living abroad for 10 years. It’s been a difficult year for us. My husband has macular degeneration so I am the only driver. He also has atrial fibrillation which is sort of ok. He had ECT treatment in April. On my diagnosis he admits to having a 36 hour attack. My mum died of liver metastasis in April this year. We don’t know where this originated from. (She was 88). Understandably socialising has not been a priority. So overall we are pretty much reliant on each other. We do have family but they are at different ends of the country and I have a son who lives in Australia.
I am absolutely distraught about my diagnosis and no amount of consoling can make things look brighter. Over the last 3 months I have lost quite a lot of weight with no logical explanation other than, I guess, anxiety. At my pre op assessment I weighed 60.3 kg. (I’m 5’7). Ordinarily I am fit and healthy. I don’t smoke or drink. I swim, walk, run and cycle. My normal weight should be around 65kg. I know my weight is still dropping.
It’s been really difficult to get appointments with my GP. Despite all he has been reluctant to prescribe anything. I no longer sleep and my appetite is now non existent. I enquired about counselling but this is not available.
I constantly have tears rolling down my face. I am so worried about my husband and how we will both cope with this. I know we have to! I am normally an incredibly positive person but I am completely deflated.
On Tuesday I have no idea how we will get to the hospital. I am minded to risk all and drive. I don’t relish a train journey or a ridiculously expensive taxi trip especially when I understand I will need to return to the hospital to check the dressings.
For the first time I did try calling my BCN on Friday as a final resort but unfortunately it was her day off. I left a message but no one returned the call. I know they are really busy and of course there are people with far worse diagnosis than mine. So rightly so their time should be prioritised towards them. Am I being childishly selfish in asking for a shoulder to lean on?