Hi Jackie
I’m so sorry you find yourself in the horrible situation but you have found the right place for support and advice. Please, no Googling!
First of all, the radiologist was candid but is not in a position to diagnose, only a consultant can confirm that you have breast cancer. Second, you said yourself that you found the breast change deep inside. How can you berate yourself for missing something and not acting sooner? A lot of people look for something to blame but cancer is one of those diseases where basically it’s just sh*t luck. Someone might be morbidly obese, smoke like a chimney and get no exercise and they remain untouched! No, it’s not fair but… anyway, do try not to blame yourself for missing something. My own breast cancer was discovered after a clear mammogram and a clear ultrasound. I just had two new freckles on my areola and got referred to clinic “just in case”. It was only the biopsy of the freckles that saved me from a reassuring discharge and an undiagnosed breast cancer!
Yes, if you do have breast cancer, the treatment may well be hard and certainly will complicate your self-employment but there is lots of support you may be entitled to receive so, if you are diagnosed (remember, 90% of referrals turn out to have a different explanation and are not breast cancer), Macmillan can be a very useful resource for you. One element of treatment is WAITING. There is so much waiting and you need to learn to manage your anxiety or you will find yourself perpetually anxious and catastrophising. Think about what you enjoy, what diverts you - it may be a craft or running or baking, long walks, the beach - and focus on more of that. Think too about a strategy like mindfulness or meditation. There are NHS-endorsed apps like Calm and Headspace and YouTube is crammed with videos. Personally I couldn’t have got by without my daily Progressive Hypnosis which I still continue to use. If you can get a daily habit and focus on one means of giving your mind a break, learn diaphragmatic breathing too, it will help you deal with the long waits. You can’t do anything about them.
It’s unlucky timing with the Easter break (the doctors’ industrial action shouldn’t have too big an effect on this for now as you are depending on breast care nurses, radiology and a consultant). But results can take time. My oncologist told me that most cancers are actually very sluggish and, even if you have one of the more aggressive forms, the cells don’t run rampant round your body in days or weeks. It’s much slower, so stop imagining what’s going on inside.
You still are a strong, independent woman. Fear, tears, anxiety, terror, none of these things changes that fact. They are simply normal human reactions. They don’t mean you are being weak or negative. The fact is, there are hundreds, thousands of women who use this forum and every one of them has got through the shock, the fear, the anxiety - basically there’s no alternative, is there? It is hard dealing with it on your own, with the addition that your partner is already dealing with difficulties and hasn’t been there for you. Please tell him, regardless of the other worries he has - this is so much easier if you have someone to support you. But again, you don’t have breast cancer until the consultant says so so don’t jump to conclusions. It’s one step at a time…
Sorry for the ramble. I hope everything turns out well for you. If it is confirmed that you have cancer, I promise, it is all manageable; not fun but definitely manageable. Let us know how this pans out?
Jan x