Bit p**d off

Hello all,
I’ve only just joined you - diagnosed last September age 39 and now in the throws of chemotherapy after mastectomy and axillary clearance. I think I’ve been coping ok (you have to don’t you - two little kids etc.?) but am feeling increasingly p***d off and wobbly even though I know the chemo is coming to an end, which should be a really good thing. Have heard that chemo is a depressant - if so does anyone have any idea when this cloud might lift a bit?
Charlotte x

hi Charlotte -
I’m just at 2/8 of my chemo and its early mornings when I wake and get low…do you have any particluar time? Maybe you could plan in a treat/rest at that time? I take the radio, magazines/puzzlebooks, a drink , my teddy…and a cat to bed now…

But there at times when you just can’t hide from yourself…I know before my chemo started I couldn’t wait for it to begin coz I was scared about the cancer running wild thro my body and knew with chemo my body was being helped combat the nasties… and I read that sometimes folk get that same feeling at the end of chemo … your body will soon be on its own… and that is scary scary…

this is a s****Y journey with lots of pitfalls… what shape do your clouds take?

I’ve had a rough last few weeks just keeping my feet on the ground… this cancer is real, I can’t change it . my old life is gone and I can’t bring it back… I was so busy ‘getting on with it’ and keeping positive and trying to joke about things… that its like catch up time. I met someone from work yesterday that didn’t know I had cancer (been off since mid oct) she’s in another dept so we didn’t see each other a lot… but it was hard saying… yes I’ve cancer… and coping with the shock and etc again…

wish I could give you a hug, or make you a nice plate of chicken soup …


Hi Charlotte

I was diagnosed last Nov - grade3 tumour, 5/11 lymph nodes affected, HER2+ - had mastectomy in Nov and started chemo at end of Nov (treatment plan = 4 x FEC, 20 rads, 4 x taxotere, 1 yr of herceptin). You don’t say whereabouts you are in your chemo, but for me the 3rd one was most definitely the worst. I used to get a day or so of a ‘downer’ after the others, but with the third it lasted for well over a week - I was seriously depressed, kept ringing BN to discuss my prognosis (which isn’t good) - I didn’t think I would ever get back up again - but I did, and while I still have worries (as everyone does!) - they arenn’t taking over my life now.

The 4th FEC was completely different - I had it on 30th January - and have been on a high ever since - don’t know if it’s psychosomatic, because it was the last of that cycle or what - but I haven’t had the downer at all.

As Sue says there are lots of pitfalls - but you will overcome them - just don’t be too hard on yourself - you’ve been through a lot, and it all takes time to adjust to.

take care

margaret x

Hi Charlotte

Welcome to this fantastic site.
I was diagnosed July 2007 and following two operations which resulted in a mastectomy with lD recon and aux clearance - I too am coming near to the end of my chemo. I am starting to feel quite nervous - strange really. a friend of mine went through all this 2 years ago and she said she felt exactly the same.
I suppose in a way - at least whilst having chemo we are killing those little b… - it is when it all stops it makes us think. So no you are not alone (do not think it help when everyone says - bet you are pleased you are near the end of chemo!!)
I too have two young children - my days are so busy I do not have time to think - but when they ar ein bed is when my mind goes into overdrive.
I have 6 weeks of rads noxt - starting 25th March. What about you?

Take Care, Love

Anne x

Hi Charlotte
Hi , know exactly what you mean as I am coming to the end of chemo and I am getting increasingly angry !!! irritable
and pretty scared about my situation . I was a lot better earlier on even though statistically my prognosis is pretty good (although I have had to have that reconfirmed a few times and will continue to ask the question ). Also dont know about you but as time goes on and my appearance is deteriorating thats not good for your confidence either, look ill , feel ill
hence the look good feel better workshops (havent been on by the way)

I feel like also I am hearing bad news all the time about breast cancers sufferers and I have recently been trying to find some positive stories. It could be worth browsing the boards for those. I have heard some bad news recently which did affect me so I can put part of it down to that but also think it has to be the chemical doesnt it.

I’ve also got two little ones I am probably being bit short tempered with and realise its good to get out and get some fresh air so off to do that tomorrow .

Hope it does lift for you, at least you recognise it and so wil be aware whn you are back to your normal self.
Cally x

My diagnosis was pretty much the same as Magz175 and I was interested to read what she said about FEC no 3. I had exactly the same thing - I had had the third one in Dec 2006 and it completely knocked me sideways. I got very down and it really worried me a bit as I had been OK with the first 2. When I went for no 4, the nurses told me they generally find this with FEC no 3. With no 4 I was euphoric as I felt I had achieved something, I knew I wasn’t going to have any drugs for about 9 weeks as I had to do 25 rads in between.

I kept checking this site last night hoping for some answers but got tired and went to bed to have the worst night’s sleep since my initial diagnosis (I had two grade2 lumps same side in a 56mm mass of DCIS (how did I not notice that earlier???!), 1 lymph node + lymphovascular invasion - God I hate that word more than any other at the moment! - ER and PR+ve, her-). Then I got up this morning to find your WONDERFUL replies. Thankyou SO much.

It is so fantastically reassuring to know I’m not alone, and also that this cloud might lift soon. Have heard other people say this on the boards but didn’t realise what a buzz it would be to feel so supported by people who truly know how you feel. Sue - the clouds were huge and thick and grey and sat squashing my shoulders making it hard to breathe last night, now they’re whiter and slightly wispy and are at least floating above my head (an interesting alternative to hair!) Brilliant winter sunshine outside which helps a lot. I think I’ll take Cally’s advice and go get some fresh air with the boys - mine are 7 and 3 - yours?

I’ve just had number 5 of the chemo so only one more to go then start rads on 25th March - same day as you Anne - from the boards it seems we have to start slathering ourselves with aqueous cream pretty soon. I can hardly contain my excitement!

I too am looking so much worse as time goes on which certainly doesn’t help. It’s the lack of eyebrows and eyebrows that I find difficult. I look like a boiled egg with a headscarf.

Anyway, have written enough. Thanks again, you are all very very wonderful.
Much love, Charlotte x

P.S. Magz - I know I shouldn’t but I’m ringing my BN tomorrow to talk about ‘things’ again. Can’t help it at the moment.

Dear Charlotte

I just wanted to add that you are very welcome to call our confidential helpline for support and a ‘listening ear’ from our specialist nurses if you feel it would help to talk things through. You can also find out about more of the support services which we can offer you, such as Live Chat which is held on Thursday evenings between 9-10pm and also support days whereby you can meet others in similar situations to you. If you wish to read more about these and other services you can access them via the ‘Support for you’ tab at the top of this page.

Best wishes

Hi Charlotte
The helpline number is 0808 800 6000 Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm.

Best wishes

Hi Charlotte

Glad you signed in again - as you know now you will get a tremendous amount of support on here - I know I did. there is always someone who can relate to what you are going through - and either advise, sympathise, reassure or just be there to ‘listen’.

My BN was fantastic, although at times I think she thought I was losing the plot slightly (which I probably was ! ) - but she was always there for me - no matter how stupid the questions, or how morose. That’s what they are there for - and they have heard your questions a million times before from other patients so they usually know whats comig any way!!

take care

Margaret xx

Sorry about the depression Charlotte, I am on chemo 5 and is was defo at its worst after chemo 3. Particularly waking at 2 / 3 / 4 with horribly anxious thoughts whizzing around. If it goes on see your doc about sleeping tablets, becasue you must get to sleep to heal. Staying up late to try and make yourself sleep doesnt work, just makes you more tired! That said, it does wear off.
I had a mammoth crying ‘I dont want to go on’ session before last chemo, then met a lovely vibrant woman in the queue (about 60 with beautiful skin and very short curly hair) who really made me feel hopeful and positive she was on her final discharge visit to the Onc.
As you will see from reading all our messages, its an emotional rollercoaster, but hang on to the thought we are all putting ourselves through this to survive, and if you are lying awake at 4 this morning I am probably awake too, and thinking about you!

with love, Lynette x

Hi Charlotte

Know what you mean about the boiled egg look!!! Have also put on weight with the steriods (although always have issues with my weight anyway!!). So do not look that good - also feel more tired the longer this goes on.
Perhaps we can cyber hold hands for the rads. The aqueous cream sounds good. Have planning 7th March for all th markings. How long are you having rads for?
I initially had wle and got clear margins on the IDC but also found a large area of DCIS with no clear margins - and SNB positive - so opted for mastectomy and aux clearance (could not face another op if they did not get clear margins again). Lucky I did as they also found 1.5mm grade 3 IDC that had not showed up anywhere. Orginial 30mm IDC - also grade 3 and 12 lymph nodes involved and vascular invasive. I understood that vascular invasion went hand and hand with lypmph node involvement. Buy also had 15 clear lymph nodes.
I have done alot of research and I am fully aware of my prognosis, but stats are stats and after I got my head around it all and with the fantastic support everyone has given on here have decided - to live for today and make the most of everything. I can not change what is going to happen and every day prognosiss are getting better as treatment is getting better.
I met someone the other day - who had a very similar diagnosis to me - but 13 years ago - and is well and continuing to live life to the full.
I do have dark days and I am sure there will be more of those to come.

Please take care, love

Anne x

hi Charlotte,

good to hear from you :slight_smile:
Hope you BC nurse was able to answer your questions - like Margaret said - they’ve heard it all before and know we need to keep asking… sometimes the same question!! So don’t struggle alone - you are not alone - even in the middle of the night as Lynette says… there’s bound to be some of us lying there awake too…

It’s all new… even looking in the mirror as the weeks pass…all new… and not always appreciated! I like your image of the boiled egg with a headscarf… I used to wear such a huge scarf that my friends sent me pretty bandanas … but boiled egg it is… except for my straggles of hair that the cold cap let me keep…

I heard it said from folks who were getting radiotherapy that it is tiring but much easier than chemo… so hope thats how it will be for you.

Hang in there… we’re travelling alongside you…and if you want your own special buddy - phone the helpline and they will match you with someone who has had the same/similar diagnosis as yourself but who is two years further on down the trail…
Remember - you are not alone… and every treatment is a step towards getting your life back…


Ditto to all the above. Inside iam just raging “I WANT MY LIFE BACK”! I have just finished cycle 4 of FEC and I just feel I can’t take it anymore. I am sick of feeling naueous and like I want to hurl all the contents of my stomach everytime I get a wift of ANY SMELL. I just want to be normal! I just want to brush my teeth without having to prepare myself for that horrible feeling of being sick.

I thought I had everything under control but I am so fed up, I don’t like this game anymore, I don’t want to play I just want to be me again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

I know exactly how you all feel because that is whats going on side. Of all the things in the world why BC?? I would have prefered a broken leg and crutches for 6 weeks not this. It feels like it will never end. Its like you are stuck on a horrible amusement ride and you can’t get of and you are just going round and round screaming!!

Sorry just feel soooooooooooooooo FED UP!

Evening lovely ladies,

MouseH - dont be sorry about feeling fed up. This thread is titled ‘Bit p***d off’ after all! And, as you can tell from the responses, we all feel it now and again. I know what you mean about being on some sort of nightmare ride you can’t get off. I find that if I let myself think too much the enormity of it all is overwhelming - I could be feeling fine then just catch site of myself unexpectedly in a mirror at home looking pale and bald.
Perhaps we should have a cyber plate smashing session…
Slept OKish last night (apart from the usual 2-4am shift) and am feeling a bit better - thanks largely due to you lot. Also being rather proactive doing positive affirmations (“I’m happy, I’m healthy…” etc.) and drinking green tea (yeuch!) I’m a builders tea girl really.
Charlotte x

Hi Charlotte and everyone i have felt so different since joining this site and i have learnt so much. I take domperidone for sickness and the symptoms have certainly been better, could not stand the smell of flowers etc. I also take zopiclone 7.5 mg at night and i have a really good nights sleep listen to music to drift off with.I have had 3 FEC chemo and about to have 1st Tax in 2 days time. I can only look at today and just try to enjoy it as much as i can .I saw a notice somewhere when we were away on holiday that said "Today is a gift that is why they call it the present " and a friend told me several years ago when you think you cannot take another day then break it down into an hour or even into 5 minutes at a time.
You are all amazing courageous women and it is a privilage to be in your company. Take care and the best of wishes to all of you.
Kate xxxx

Hi Charlotte

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so rubbish. It is completely normal, I don’t think there is a single person out there going through what your going through that would not feel down. The only thing that I found has helped is time, I am 18 months down the line. 15mm grade three 6 nodes affected and Her2 receptive. Finished all treatment last month including Heceptin and yes it does get better. I now do not spend every waking hour thinking about BC and every chance reading and surfing the net. Time is a great healer and your time will come just hang on in there. I never thought a year ago I would feel like this. Ready to get on with my life and feeling well.

Good luck with the rest of your treatment


thanks Geraldine = it is good to hear from folk who have reached ‘the other side’… like a signpost… written in a foreign language but at least pointing us in the right direction…

and Mouse… YES you said it…I am sooo glad of sites like this… where we can say how it is… okay yes we know we have to fight and be positive and sometimes that just seems impossible…and instead of beating myself up.when I think it’s all too much… to know that others feel exactly as S****Y and etc etc is a release and a relief…

I heard on the radio today that when peoples brains are scanned during the use of a placebo - there are significent changes taking place in the brain itself… and thats with a placebo - so I was thinking that this chemo is working so well that its knocking out the good cells so strongly (I’ve another infection) then the nasty cancer cells must have been smashed to smithereens… made me feel quite good …

it’s almost night time again… must get my arsenal ready - mags, books, hot drink… and there’s the cat wanting in the window… sweet night to you all

Hi all

Quite agree with Sue - thank you Geraldine for such a positive post - I had just finished 4 x fec, about to starts rads, followed by 4 x tax and herceptin - and sometimes it all seems a little daunting. To hear from someone who is now ‘out the other side’ is quite uplifting.

Wishing you well for the future and hope you continue to feel so well

margaret xx