I received the fantastic news in May last year that my 12cm triple negative breast tumour had shrunk to less than a cm so I was put forward for a mastectomy which I had with a tissue expander and in July of this year I had the second stage of my surgery which was an exchange for an implant and a reduction on the opposite breast.
My pathology showed there was nothing in the margins and the 6 lymph nodes they removed were also clear and from the surgery this year pathology from the opposite breast was also clear of the disease.
I have remained positive throughout my journey, I didn’t care about loosing my hair, I faced the chemo head on and I refused to throw myself a why me pity party because my attitude was why not me, I’m not special.
I think because I remained so strong throughout the journey the trauma has caught up with me and now I’m so tearful, I have no motivation to do anything, I put on so much weight and I feel disgusting and I’m terrified that the cancer will come back and feel like I’m living under a shadow, I feel like a ticking timebomb, also I have terrible survivors guilt, especially if I see a story about children with cancer.
I’m quite a logical person, I recognise that I don’t feel myself and feel some degree of anxiety about the past 2 years.
It’s one thing to get the support when you’re in it and going through it but what happens after? Should I just be grateful and shut up, I feel guilty for feeling this way when so many women are still going through it.
Reading your post really resonates with me. I’ve just finished chemo and will be having a single mastectomy in a few weeks. After that I will be on Tamoxifen for 10 years.
Like you I have been really positive through my journey so far and do sometimes feel like I’m putting on a front just to get through it. All my friends and family have praised me saying how great my attitude is and how amazing I’m doing. But deep down inside I’m absolutely terrified for the future and what happens next. No one understands how our lives are changed forever following this trauma we have been through.
I have been having counselling with a local cancer charity and have found this really beneficial. I can tell my therapist my darkest worries and she helps me rationalise them. I did actually describe the future as living with a ticking time bomb of recurrence. I would recommend counselling if you have not already done it.
People think once we have had chemo, radio & surgery the hard part is over. For me the hard part is going to be moving past this and living the best ‘new normal’ life I possibly can with my husband and 2 daughters.
I hope I’ve not rambled on but I just wanted to let you know you are by no means alone in thinking this way and I applaud your bravery for speaking on this. You are a warrior and always will be
Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear how you’re feeling - even though as you say you have remained positive throughout your treatment, it is completely normal for that now to have changed. Just like our bodies need time to heal and process what they have been through, so do our minds. Please know that if you ever need support or a chat about this, our nurses are only ever a phone call away on 0808 800 6000.
Have you checked out our Moving Forward courses? These are groups that we run both online and in person which provide support for people like yourselves who are no longer in active treatment to help cope and talk about what you have been through, and connect with others who have been through the same. You can find out more about those courses here Moving Forward | Breast Cancer Now
You haven’t rambled at all and thank you so much for getting in touch it’s quite a relief to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
I’m going to book an appointment to see my GP tomorrow in the hope she can advise and I can deal with the weight gain too.
I need to push myself as I know I want to embrace this second chance at life when so many other warriors don’t get one.
I never want to be complacent with life again but at the same time be kinder to myself understand that what I’m feeling is probably a natural process in the step to recovery.
Thank you I am definitely going to seek out some counselling as it’s a lot to unpack mentally, I don’t think we realise how heavy it is to go through this epic life curve and then picking up the pieces once it’s all over.
Thank you Alice, I will definitely look into the counselling sessions I feel I need the support and a way to move forward after such a difficult journey.
Bless you, so sorry to read your post, please be kind to yourself, we have all had these feeling, up one day down the next quite understandable after what you have been through.
I think as you said, when so much is going on with appointments and treatment I think we all feel in control, after this comes to an end, and we lose our comfort blanket that’s when our brain starts to overthink.
Maybe, if you have a Maggie centre near you or meeting with a good friend for a coffee and a chat would help you, this is all very easy for me to say, when your feeling low.
I do wish you well, with health and happiness ahead.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Im going to look into the counselling sessions for sure but also speak to my GP and see what she suggests. I dont want to go on anti depressants because I think that would be too extreme.
I want to loose some weight, I want to feel motivated and I want to know how to stop overthinking and being afraid anymore and living in the “what ifs” negative mindset.
Hopefully my GP can point me in the right direction which will enable me to take things one step at a time.
Gosh, you have been through so much . I can relate to how you are feeling because I felt similar at the end of my treatment. I feel like now (at the end of my treatment) I have dropped off my friends’ radars and lots of my friends have stopped contacting me, so I have been proactive and arranged to meet up with them etc, but people do often think it’s back to normal once the treatment ends but as we know it’s actually quite a difficult time as we navigate a whole new ball game!
Things that helped me were the moving forward course, it just gave a bit of emotional support with people who 100% get it. I wouldn’t worry about the weight, you’ve got time yet to drop it so cut yourself some slack, let your brain catch up with what has just happened to you for the past 2 years
I spoke to my old psychotherapist the other week who coincidentally has also been through breast cancer treatment and I explained how I was feeling and she said it was completely normal and that I had been through a prolonged period of trauma with the diagnosis then treatment so to be very kind to myself, don’t expect too much and to do some exercise little and often to rebuild strength. Since I have more time now I have joined my local leisure centre which does swim and classes and also joined the national trust so I am going round parklands etc doing a bit of sightseeing in my local area as a way to distract me and provide a bit of structure to my week.
I also felt like I was living under a shadow and the moving forward course helped as the volunteers there explained they felt similar but it does lessen over time.
I think the survivors guilt is very normal? It is a response to trauma. Looking back now I realise that all of the medical treatment I’ve been through whilst life saving has actually been quite tortous! Although at the time I just ploughed through, as we all do.
Allow yourself the time to do nothing, maybe that is what you need. I had about 3 weeks where I did nothing and stared into space at home and couldn’t get motivated to do anything. Also put the weight back on I’d lost!!
The article by Peter Harvey is also very useful, as he lays out a path for recovery. The article is called something like ‘what happens when the treatment ends’. If you search online you should be able to find it.
I also felt very angry and had about 3 weeks of screaming at full volume at home at random times in the day when all the frustrations in me just bubbled over from the last year. I think letting myself be angry has really helped me to let something go and now I feel more accepting of my new body.
It’s complex, as of course I feel incredibly grateful to be cancer free, but I’m also angry, very pissed off, tired, envious of seeing my friends buggering off on holidays etc over my treatment, and on some days really, really happy!! I think this is what makes recovery complex as I am holding lots of contradictory feelings.
Sending you loads of love for this next bit xx
. I can relate to how you are feeling because I felt similar at the end of my treatment. I feel like now (at the end of my treatment) I have dropped off my friends’ radars and lots of my friends have stopped contacting me, so I have been proactive and arranged to meet up with them etc, but people do often think it’s back to normal once the treatment ends but as we know it’s actually quite a difficult time as we navigate a whole new ball game!
