Hi
Thank you for making me feel a little better.I feel a little guilty as I feel I should be enjoying time with my children even more but they’re both being really hard work at the moment. I guess they’re picking up on my mood.
Saw a friend tonight who cheered me up a little.
To me, this whole thing just seems so cruel. The two week wait from diagnosis to the finer details is torture.I can’t help but let my thoughts run away with themselves.
So today is a ’ woe is me’ day.
I hope tomorrow is better.
Love Freddie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Freddie, we all have woe is me days. It must be very hard with young children. Mine are both in their 20s and so at least I can talk to them about it sensibly. Molly’s right - talking about it helps. I had fewer problems dealing with the fact that I had bc and more problems because the fact that I had bc brought back memories of family and friends who had died of cancer. I think I have been revisiting past grief and that’s not nice.
What I’m trying to say is, this affects us all in different ways. I think we all have to go through the grieving process. That really is what this is - we are grieving for our past happy-go-lucky selves. Remember that and be kinder to yourself about struggling with your emotions. Also remember that if you really think you are getting depressed, go to your GP, who will be able to give you something to help.
Hi Freddie
I guess its hard not to feel guilty about your children, but look at it this way. You may need to be the imperfect mum like the rest of us, you are ‘normal’. Its OK to have bad days with them as well as the good days, this way they will understand the patterns of life. I am not saying go smack them as soon as they get out of hand, just accept that some days you won’t want to talk or interact so much. Perhaps you tell them in a way they would understand that mummy is having a quiet day. I bet you can make up for it on the good days.
I imagine they are picking up on things, kids are way ahead of us on things sometimes. Just smile when you can savour the good moments.
You might not believe me but I think others would agree, once the waiting is over and you know what treatment will be needed then things will get better. You will probably be able to gain some control on the situation and become more focussed.
If you are going to need treatment then you will be in charge of organising yourself. Empowerment was the strongest weapon in my armour, I don’t need too much knowledge just the guts to speak up for the best treatment in the shortest time.
So far thats worked for me.
take care
Carol
Hi
Thanks both of you for your very valued comments.
I think I am finding it harder as I lost my Mum to BC in 1995 and like you say, I’m revisiting the grief. I can’t bear the thought of my own children going through what I did when I was young.My mum chose not to tell anyone about her condition until it was way too late. We found out in Jan 94 and we lost her in March 94.
I know this is a crazy thought but I now feel guilty about having children myself.Had I have stayed childless at least I could have lessened the impact of my plight. I also feel further guilt.Had I cared more for myself and checked more throughly and more regularly perhaps I could have found this earlier.Instead I did what I thought was right and put my children first almost neglecting to care for myself sufficiently. Yet ironically I have neglected their needs of needing a fit and healthy mum by putting myself last.
Do others feel such guilt???
I know I’m going on and on. Stupid morbid thoughts will get me nowhere now.
Arghhhhhhhhh!! Someone resue me from this nightmare.
Love Freddie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sorry just re read my post. I lost Mum in 1994 not 1995.
Hi
Thanks msmolly. I know I am being terribly self indulgent in all this. I must try not to be so.
I think the upshot of it is to treasure every possible moment with our children to ensure that their experiences in the world are as wonderful as they should be.
I know things in the BC world have improved tremendously since My Mum. And of course crucially she was only diagnosed when it was way, way too late.
I’m determined this will not happen to me and I suppose like Sal has said , we are now in the system with lots of treatment available.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read though what I know are long winded comments.
Love Freddie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Freddie and Molly, don’t feel guilty - you can do every single thing right and still get the b*gger, or do everything wrong and live healthily to 102! And you have given your kids life. With modern treatments - and being sensible about accepting the treatments - you stand every chance of seeing your great grandchildren!
I watched Wendy’s thing - bit of an “eek” of sympathy at the needle, but what it said more than anything was that if she’d had the chemo 13 years ago she’d probably have survived longer. I read somewhere that up to a third of women don’t complete their Tamoxifen - I guess some have too many side effects, but others just stop bothering and hope for the best. And some get sold on all the anti-science woo and think chewing apricot pips will do them more good. I look at the survival statistics, and wonder how much they are skewed by women who don’t take advantage of everything going.
Hi all
Help to sleep???
Thanks for your comments and thanks Susanne for making me feel a little better about things.
I’ve just come back from a wonderful long weekend. I was actually able to forget about Bc for a moment or two. Was brilliant to be in the fresh air and it has made me feel a bit more positive.
However, when the evening approaches I really struggle. If I do manage to get to sleep I wake up very early and can’t get back to sleep again. I’m also very tearful when i stop and think about things too much. I’m considering getting something from the doctor’s to help.Do others find trouble sleeping in this waiting period. It’s normally never a problem for me!
At last the results day is nearly here. Really has been a long two weeks though.
Love Freddie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Freddie, so glad you had a good weekend. It does you good to have a change of scenery.
Sleeping - now there’s a thing. Yes, I had terrible trouble with it and I had a really long wait - 9 weeks from dx to op. I used to wake at 2 or 3am and my mind would be racing. We call it “the grims”. You have thoughts that you know, rationally, are crazy, but you can’t help thinking them. I think it’s all part of the process. I went for 4 weeks refusing to go to the GP for something to help me sleep, but when I went for my MRI results, which showed another suspicious area and I had to have another biopsy (and of course wait two weeks for the result) the bc nurse persuaded me to get something. I didn’t take them often, but when I did, I got a more or less uninterrupted sleep and I felt so much better for it. You don’t realise how tired you are and that affects your thinking. When you’re tired, things always look bleaker.
When do you get your results?
PS sent you an email.
Oh, the 2 o’clock, 3 o’clock waking! - Freddie, really feel for you - it is so hard to deal with anything - never mind this “Emotional rollercoster” (Way over used phrase, these days - usually applied to some poor s*d not winning some reality TV show - come over here - WE can show them a REAL emotional rollercoster!)
Agree with salopets, if you need help sleeping - go ask for it. Been there, few years ago for a different reason - and, even though you don’t take the tablets regularly - just knowing you have them there somehow helps. That night of uninterrupted sleep makes all the difference.
This waiting game is so stressful - imagination goes into overdrive - but we will get to the end of all of this,
Keep in touch
Lizzy
Hi
Did post earlier but I think it may have got lost.
Thanks for the advice Lizzy and Sal.
Glad to hear I’m not alone in the sleep torture.
I think you’re right- might try and see the doctor tomorrow. I think it’s worse as I’ve always been such a good sleeper (except when pregnant) and have always needed 9 hours a night to function properly!! Anything less and I feel very run down.Mind you ,now I’m beginning to think that this’tiredness’ is a worrying symptom of something spreading. Oh- I could go on and on in this …
This waiting game is weird. In one way I want the results day to come (weds 25th) and at least I’ll know what I’m dealing with. In another way I’m terrified that they might reveal even worse things. Sal- how you managed a 9 week wait amazes me- you must be such a strong person! I think I’ll chop my breasts off with the bread knife on Weds if they suggest that to me!
I’m also anxious that I listen carefully and ask the right questions. Hope I don’t get upset and closedown. Wonderful hubby is going with me but sometimes he’s not a great listener at the best of times! Got my pen and paper ready and need to find strength from somewhere. Also what is it with the timings of my appointment- mine always coincide with time of the month- more emotional than normal!
Love Freddie xxxxxxxxx
Hi again Freddie,
YOU are also a strong person, you are dealing with a tough situation, and lack of sleep just adds to the stress.
Try not to second guess what Wednesday might bring, take each day at a time. Good idea to write down your questions, and keep asking them until you get the information you need to help you.
Don’t know about you, but my surgeon is so unapproachable! Very brisk, but apparently excellent surgeon. I think when I am on the next round of results appts, I will try and talk to BC nurse if I can’t relate to him,
Hope you get some ZZZZZZZZZs tonight,
Love
Lizzy
Hi Freddie, while waiting for results I went through a period of taking ages to drop off to sleep then waking at 4am and not being able to nod off again, for me .once I knew what I was dealing with made it better but am still not right back to where I was pre lump,due to op ,but loads better than where I was.
Lizzy is right,you are a strong person,even by being on here and chatting,lots of people don’t even pluck up the courage to post and join in,if there are any reading this please come and say hi as we all help each other through this and the support and info you can receive from here has been a great help to me. Being tired at the best of times is a great stress and strain never mind adding on the mental torture that we are going through,I would def speak to your doc and see what they recommend.
ooooh and Freddie, leave the bread knife at home Wed…you could get arrested ! Big hugs to all.
Sandra x
freddie - ((((hugs)))) to you, will be thinking of you tomorrow - I have second chemo tomorrow so will be sitting about sending positive vibes your way from Shrewsbury to Telford!! AAAh sleep…when I first was diagnosed I couldn’t sleep so got some tabls of the Dr, Zopiclone, was anxious to take them but just needed to sleep so took half the first night and then a whole one the next and that made a big difference…didn’t feel hung over either the next day just had a salty taste in my mouth, but do get something, I also took them for the first 3 nights after chemo too and slept well, so I will be doing the same this round, sometimes you need a hand. I’m on Prozac too at the moment, mainly for bad pmt before the bc bit and find that helps a lot and I reckon if I wasn’t on them before I would def need them now, so go with the flow. Your kiddies are small and demanding too as all kids are, don’t talk about guilt - I could have a masters degree in it kid!!
Keep in touch and keep talking and you’ll get there…mary x
Freddie, the thing that kept me going during the wait was the knowledge that everthing was being done to get the correct diagnosis. I felt right from the start that the surgeon wanted to give me the right treatment, not just blunder in and do an mx regardless. In the end, I got the best news, that I didn’t need the mx and so it was worth it. I also read a lot at every stage, so I was informed and that helped.
If you forget things, talk to your bc nurse the next day. They know what your dx is and your treatment and will happily go through it again with you if you have any doubts. There’s no need to feel a nuisance - that’s what they are there for.
The others are right - you are strong - you just can’t see it from where you are standing. You’ll feel better when you know what your treatment is going to be - it gives you something to focus on. And you do get used to the waiting, which is just as well, because this whole thing is a series of waits!
Just dropping in to say good luck for tomorrow Freddie. Let us know how you get on.
Hi
Thanks Sal. Feel surprisingly okay. Went to doc’s today for some tablets to help me sleep.Wish I’d taken your advice days ago as he was lovely and helped me feel much more positive.
And, of course, only one more sleep to go!
I will let you know how I get on,
Love Freddie
Hi Freddie
Yep, one more sleep - hope it’s a good 'un!
Have fab dreams, and good luck for tomorrow,
LizzyM
sleep well…we’re here for you…mary x