can't do this anymore

hi all, many of you have helped me in the past with my dark days but its all getting worse now.

i’m a year in and have the chemo, rads, and op and am on herceptin and tamox. i constantly fell down but if you asked anyone i know they would never believe this is how i felt as i can’t let anyone in - i know i should but i can’t. my mum and dad took it hard and my dad has aged about ten years and always looks shattered and my mum is as bad for worrying about my dad. my partner has been great but he has his own problems. i’m taking eveything out on him and i know i am pushing him away but i can’t help it but i love him to pieces and can’t loose him.

i don’t want to talk to friends or family as i on my positive days i don’t want the sympathetic looks and are you ok questions all the time but i can’t go to counselling either as my friends and family would be upset that i won’t go to them and will know i’m not coping as it isn’t really my thing.

if i had the money i think i would just disappear for a few months to get my head straight but i can’t and i don’t know what to do.

Hi Kaylou,

I think that some form of counselling is exactly what you need as it will let you talk over your concerns without upsetting anyone.
Noone would be annoyed at you for not turning to them as you dont wish to worry them.

I can understand the whole wanting to just take off as it would let you clear your head but try even talking to the nurses here and they may have a more local contact for you.

Take care and feel free to message me back.

Best Wishes
Kate xx

HI Katylou You must talk with your Gp. I’m no doctor but you sound as if you have depression to me .You have been through the mill and it’s a long lane that as no turning BUT it will come… You cannot dissapear
because you have to take you and your mind with you. I have had depression on and off for years so I am speaking from the heart. Do’nt shut your family and partner out. Have you finished your treatment if so I expect all the clinical support as come to an end , your just left with YOU . give yourself time and try not to be to hard on yourself. Just read through the discussions on the forum to realise your not on your own
Love and hugs Bobbie

Hello Kaylou,
I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I’m at a similar point to you i think, nearly a year since diagnosis, finished chemo in November, now on Tamox and Herceptin.
It is no wonder you feel as you do. Your response is all perfectly understandable - you are a coper, but then you start carrying everyone else’s burdens on your shoulders, and you have got enough to deal with on your own, without feeling responsible for them too.
Could you talk to your partner and somehow let him know that you know you’ve been treating him badly? Often just that simple acknowledgement will open up things between you again, and help him to be patient, and you will feel more supported by that honesty.
You really could do with a place to offload your worries, so I think you must decide to either confide in one of your friends or family, or seek out one of the many good counsellors who are there for us. Your GP, BC nurse or local cancer centre can put you in touch with somebody. Or is your GP sympathetic - could you just talk to them about how you are feeling?
It sounds like it is not going away, but you keep having these down times, so I think you need to do something. I am sure you know that disappearing won’t help anybody, although it’s a nice fantasy that keeps us sane at times!
Someone on this site even went so far as to find a pacific island for sale on ebay - we all had a look and dreamed of what we would do there…
I really hope you feel better just for having posted, and maybe people’s replies will show you a way forward.
Hug yourself from me
Jacquie x

Hi KayLou,

I’m not that great with words like some of the ladies on this forum, but I’m really sorry you are so down.

I think you should stop worrying about those around you for a while and put yourself first. Just from reading what you’ve written, I really do feel that you need counselling. You need someone to talk to that has no emotional ties with you. That’s why talking to a counsellor can help. From my personal experience, going to see a counsellor does not mean you can’t cope, but that you are trying to take control of how you feel and how low you feel you’ve gone.

You do sound depressed – it’s an illness, not a failing on your part! And who can blame you for feeling like this when you’ve had to contend with breast cancer?!!

Hope you’re able to get the help you need - GP? BC nurse? Helpline here?

hugs,
Jacki x

Hi Kaylou
just to reiterate what everyone else has said really . It is hard for friends and family to understand how you are feeling and I am similar to you in that i keep it to myself. Unless someone has been in your shoes how can they understand . Sounding off on these boards really does help and has been a lifeline for me. Also how about calling the lovely ladies on the breastcancercare support line (I have done so when i had a recent wobble)
Also your breast care nurse ? mine always says use her when you have your dark times and need picking up again.

hope you get some comfort from these posts
cally x

Hi Kaylou

I agree with all these other ladies - please do get in touch with either your GP or your breast care nurse. My BCN referred me for counselling a couple of weeks ago as she thought I had had an awful lot to deal with in the past year. It’s not my thing at all but I gave it a go - I now know that it really isn’t for me at the moment but I found it useful as I heard myself saying that my network of friends and family were enough for me. I only talk to those friends and family that can deal with the info.

Talking on here has been the best therapy for me - even though I havn’t been on here for a while just knowing that these forums exist and that there is always someone who knows exactly how you feel, has been a great help.

I hope you are feeling a little more upbeat and do keep talking on here - maybe you could show one of your family members this site – it might help you to be able to share how you feel.

Take Care
Love and Hugs

Wendy xoxox

Hi Kaylou

Please do give our helpliners a call for support, a ‘listening ear’ and information about how you can get further support to help you to cope with the way you are feeling at the moment. The number is 0808 800 6000 and the line is open mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm.

Best wishes
Lucy

Hi Kate,

There is plenty of sound advice already on this thread, I will just add I too felt like this at one time.
I was sick of updating everyone, ready to hit the next person who told be I was brave or those who said I looked so well.

As for wanting to be one your own, I can empathise because I was tired of being treated with kid gloves.
I think you should sit down with your partner in the first instance, perhaps let him read what you put in your posting. Just let him be assured you do still love him. I think my husband understood the day I said I needed a day completely on my own. I took off for the night and returned tea time the next day. I can’t say I was any better but for the time I wasn’t under anyone’s gaze it felt good. Things for me have got better, I am still under treatment but as my mood lifted I have coped a lot better.

I do believe it will get better for you, but as it is the here and now you are living in, try to take one day at a time.

Cyber hugs

Carol

Hi Kate I am currently hitting 2 year anniversaries and things have got better but I do still have my moments and feel rotten at times with what I say to my husband. (he seems to be my punch bag). Like you dont talk about my deepest thoughts and fears with friends and family as firstly dont want them petrified, dont particulary like being discussed or getting the looks of sympathy. I talk on here, also found my BCN to be good at the beginning then had some good old long chats with my GP in between chemos.

You are still on treatment and having herceptin means sitting in a chemo suite every 3 weeks which isnt the best environment to try and move on, I finished my herceptin last summer and after a couple of months I felt less tired and just better in myself, perhaps ringing this help line may help for a starter, have read good comments on theur responses.

Hope you pick up soon
Debbie x

Hi Kaylou,
I think I,m pretty much just going to reitterate what has already been said, but I think its important but I will anyway. I understand your reasond for not wanting to go to counselling, because you are scared that it will upset family and friends, but in my experience it is often those who are closest that you are least able to talk to. Friends and family are so closely involved that it can be impossible for you to honestly tell them how you are feeling, but a counsellor is someone who is impartial that you can “off load” on to, also they are specially trained at dealing with this specific situation so they can often offer far more practical advice than someone who is closely involved. If you really dont fancy counselling could you try talking to your BCC nurse?
Another thing that I found helpful was to keep a diary of how I was feeling -then when I had really bad days I could look through the diary and it helped me realise that they werent going to last forever and I would get through it.
Feel free to message back if you would like a chat.
Take care
Sarah xx