had my 5th chemo fri 8th march, i didnt think i was going to as had strange meltdown thurs night and found myself walking the streets at 1 in the morning, not knowing where to go, till my son 23 brought me back home, only for me to visit the doc friday morn but not being able to talk and just cry, i walked out and again found myself on a bus not knowing where i was going, ended up in a cafe ringing my husband telling him im not coming home for chemo, didnt know what plannet i was on and couldnt think straight.
well its done now ,
now im in the ball of mist, where no one can get through to me, and i cant find comfort in anything or anyone, roll on the next few days and hope this haze lifts again, get this dam poison out my body and let me breath and remember who i am, and how to smile again, let my poor husband see who he married 4 years ago, and let my 19year old daughter get her friend and mum back, cos it feels like she dont want to be near me rite now, and let my 23 year old son look at me without that look, the look of worrie, and hope.
i so want to bloody screammmmmm
FEC Cycle 1 Day 8
oh sunshine lilly, i am so sorry you are suffering in this way. i am at the beginning of this journey, but i hope you only have 1 more to go? Can i suggest you join one of the threads for january/february or march. this is such a supportive site with countless other women going through what we are. there are some tears, but there is a LOT of support. we can ask advice, questions etc. and someone always has a word to say to uplift our spirits. take a look.
i hope you get through this (i believe you will).
Take care. i’ll be thinking of you today and over the next week or so, and look forward to good news and a lighter spirit for you. our sons do worry dont they. mine lives too far away to visit, and spent 1 hour talking me down on sunday after an emergency situation with my 2 1/2 year old grandson in my home(his nephew). they love us and i guess feel helpless.
I wish you every happiness to come… SOON
love
Angela x (from the march thread)
Hiya…just want to say to you what was said to me as I was starting this crappy journey last year…“look on this period as a blip in your life…don’t let it be the rest of your life”…I was quite ill from my first fec and a nurse took the time to sit with me and told me of her experience with bc…I have taken these wise words to heart and now live my life the same as before my bc dx…you will get over this time in your life …it’s just the chemo affecting you and once it’s gone…you’re on 5 so have 6 and then you’re done with the poison part…the chemo is not a bad thing…it’s a good thing…wiping out any stray sqatters that may have escaped…I didn’t want anymore chemo after 1 but had all 6 as I wanted to give myself the best chance…good luck with 6 and hoping you feel better soon…
Hi
Are you on FEC-T? I was told that the first T (Docetaxol) is the worst, as you still have some of the se’s from tje FEC and then get a bucket load of new and different ones. So, if your number 5 was Tax number 2, this lot should be easier on you as you only have 1 type of se to cope with.
Remember, there aren’t many more to go (I assume either 1 or 3 depending on how many you are having) and then things do get better. Yes, it will take time for your mind and body to recover from the battering, but slowly you will get there.
I hoep your family understand what you are going through and are supporting youas much as they can.
Sue
Sunshine lilly, you’re in good company…
I had my 5th cycle last Tues 5th March (TCH - Docetaxol, Carboplatin & Herceptin) and was in a pretty bad place afterwards. The side effects this time were really tough - especially night sweats, strange dreams, fatigue, tears and ‘out of body’ feeling. My oncologist says it’s the ovarian response triggering the early menopause and the rest’s psychological. I felt like a basket case too!
Happy to report that a week later I feel normal again. My breast cancer nurse has referred me for psychological support from the pallitive care nurses, as apparently they’re best placed to help with the emotions and thoughts I’m struggling with.
I hope you’re doing better after the 5th cycle than before. But if you are finding it hard, keep hanging in there, it will get better in a few days. I know I felt really heartened reading your post today and wished I spotted it a few days earlier. It helps to know we’re not alone.
Sarah.
Hi Sunshine Lily, I had my meltdown after the 4th chemo, I was so fed up with feeling ill but knew it was important to continue with it. I think its harder as you have each round as the toxins build up and you know what to expect. The 5/6th were not has hard as the 3/4th but I did take longer to recover each time. I am now 3 and a half weeks past my last chemo and am beginning to feel like my old self…although hairless and tired. I have had counselling which I accessed through my hospital. Just remember why the chemo is necessary and you’ve nearly got through it.
Be kind to yourself,
Mel xx
Hi sunshine lilly…not sure if this will help you; it helped me to put my feelings into perspective
http://www.cancercounselling.org.uk/northsouth/extra4.nsf/WebResClient/1761049276601BD68025735B00604834/FILE/article3.pdf
Many of us have meltdowns at different stages and in different ways, and it is OK to express how you feel in whatever way is right for you.
Do you have a MacMillan centre attached to your hospital? Mine offers an informal chat, or counselling, plus 4 complimentary holistic treatments which I’ve found beneficial.
You will come through this; your husband will get his wife back and your daughter her best friend. It takes time, but you will recover :). My treatment was last Feb to Aug, and I won’t tell you about the fat, bald hairless alien trying to squidge her radiated breast into her mother of the bride outfit…was hilarious, bit I did it!!!
Now I have 2cm of hair that I’m very proud of, and as a previous poster said, you can and do move forward…life is different but it is life, your life to live and enjoy.
Virtual hugs and take care…number 6 is the final assault…xo
Hi Sunshine Lilly,
The mid point of chemotherapy can be a particularly challenging time, a kind of nowhere land when the physical and psychological side effects have well and truly kicked in and although you feel pleased with yourself for coping so far you realise youve to get through the same again with much less mojo in reserve!! I think the build up of toxins and effects of the steroids play havoc with your body and emotions, just try to keep reminding yourself that the chemos doing its job and although you feel poisoned itll be doing the same to all the baddies too!
Hope you`re managing to get lots of rest and and accepting all offers of help from family and friends, it can really help get you through - and you WILL
Hi Sunshine Lily
After FECx4 I hit my lowest ebb. The side effects seemed to be worse and emotionally I was a mess - really didn’t think that I had it in me to get through two more. FECx5 brought with it all the same s/e’s and more but somehow I didn’t feel so bad knowing that there was just one more to be endured and emotionally, after giving myself a good talking to, I perked up somewhat.
Today I had FECx6 and I feel as if I’ve just been released from prison and a very strange feeling to be leaving the chemo unit with my goody bag of meds but with no further appointment. I’ve done it, just like all these other lovely ladies on this Forum, and compared to some of them, side effect wise I got off lightly.
I suppose what I’m saying is that most of us at some stage go through a melt down. My biggest melt downs were just before FECx1 and just after, mainly at the thought of losing my hair. Would suddenly cry for no reason and was generally pathetic. Then somehow I got on with it with a view to getting it over with.
You are almost there. The light at the end of the tunnel is starting to beam at you and before you know it you’ll be writing a post just like this to someone else who has “melted”. Hope FECx6 is over for you very quickly.
I guess I had the same kind of meltdown yesterday at the thought of my fourth, and final AC treatment today.
I didn’t actually act on my desire to run away, but I cried a LOT yesterday, at the doctors office amongst other places, and today was just totally miserable! I was dreading today’s treatment. I have had progressively worse reaction after each of my treatments, with circulatory problems, and now have a clotted venous system throughout my right leg, and possible clot in my lung!
My port which was fitted after my second treatment, supposedly to make treatments easier, did not work properly for my third. I was totally fed up, and to be truthful a thought occurred that if I was to throw a massive pulmonary embolism and drop dead it would be the easy way out! (I haven’t admitted this to anyone else!)
Anyway, despite my fears, and the fact that I was five hours at the hospital today, we ended on a happy and optimistic note. They managed to clear the clot in my port catheter, and my fourth AC is done and dusted! I am half way done now, as I still have twelve weekly doses of Paclitaxel (Taxol) to get through, and it suddenly feels doable this evening. It’s the first time that something feels like it has gone right instead of wrong in I don’t know how long!!
else!)
Morwenna, I couldn’t read and ignore, saw that you just posted at silly oo’clock and wanted to say hold on and don’t fall now you are doing great… the good thing here is you can say how you feel… and no one will judge you when you havethese dark thoughts…
Keep strong
Maggie x
Just saw your add on paragraph… great news it ended well… x
Thanks Maggie!
It’s not too silly o’clock for me, as I’m in Calgary, in Canada!
It’s true I guess sometimes dark thoughts are inevitable, but difficult to share except in a place like this. It’d hurt my family so bad if I were to admit that the thought of dying is sometimes feeling preferable to carrying on. Anyway, a day like today, when something positive happens, is enough to chase away those dark thoughts, and give me whatever it takes to soldier on!
And now, trying to post on this site using my phone is driving me mad!! so good night, or good morning to you all!!! 
Oh Sunshine Lilly I do feel for you. I had my second chemo yesterday so just a novice really. The way I have been looking at it is that if it is hurting my body then it is hurting the cancer cells too and I just want to zap them all and get well again. This meant I was actually excited about my first chemo and really looking forward to my second yesterday.
Now if I still feel like this as it goes on is to be seen. Everyone says I’m positive but it is much easier to be positive if you’re not feeling really ill at the time.
Having children going through this with you is hard. My son is 22 and his dad died of cancer when he was 5 so I can guess what he fears although he keeps everything close and won’t talk about things.
What you described about needing to get out etc is like what happened to me when Bob was terminal. Days I just wanted to draw out my savings and take a train somewhere and make a new life for myself away from all the horribleness and having to be strong for him and our little boy. And I walked the streets too and found no answer, I just had to get on with it and I think that is the hardest thing to accept.
Wishing you all the luck in the world and hope your treatment is now coming to an end xx
Hi Sunshine Lilly,
I remember that feeling well. Cycle 5 was my worst one too, not coping or able to see a way through.
I am now three months past treatment and can only describe how wonderful the journey is out of the chemo zone. You have this to look forward to - just around the corner. It is such a lovely process after such a horrid time.
Hang in there x
hi everyone thankyou for all your kind words, im feeling bit better, first time been able to pick lap top up though, iv had raging toothache, since chemo, nothing they can do exept antibiotics, paracetmol, anyway bit better.physcaly and mentely drained, but that chemo haze is lifting.
That place i went to was so scarey, and i felt so sorry fo my family, and it scared me, waiting to have a bit of therapy doc thinks it will do me good.
I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, just got to be brave one more time 28thmrch, looking forward to never having to go to that place again, and a 3 week break maybe a few days away with hubby before starting radio.
I found myself writing some poetry in the haze of chemo, about all aboard the chemo train, and how this is going to be the ride of your life, counldnt belive i wrote it looking at it today, funny where you go on chemo!
reading these loveley mesg has lifted my spirits a little more, thank you sooooo much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi
Chemo is scary. It’s a reallt scary time. Your head is all over the place and you just feel …
But there is life after chemo. Honestly. I’m over 5 years out now and it’s just a scary dream.
You will get over this and feel so much better. Stick with it. It’s worth it.
xx
Hello again Sunshine Lilly,
I’m going in for my 6th round today, 2 days ahead of you. I’ve felt pretty anxious for the last few days after struggling last round, but now starting to feel positive about this being the last one (even after failing to drop off to sleep all night, thanks to the steroids!).
Good luck on Thursday and for the week or two after.
Sarah
SENDING BIG HUGS, WELL DONE SP YOUR LAST ONE, GOOD LUCK FOR TODAY AND WEEKS TO COME, IM RIGHT BEHIND YOU, GETING A LITTLE NERVOUS FOR THURDAY BUT TRYING TO BEET IT WITH POSSATIVE THOUGHTS
TAKE CARE
XXX
FEC 2 day6
Big hugs Sunshine Lilly. I’m only on FEC 2 and I had an ‘I can’t go on’ moment over the weekend. The support on this site means you can go on and sends the misery scurrying off (eventually).
Take care, God bless and give my love to your side of the pond. (I have family in BC)
MMM
x
Hi
I finished chemo last May and i can remember that feeling of being in a haze and the extreme fstigue. I found the subsequent radiotherapy a breeze compared to the chemo and it didn’t take me long to feel normal again. I’m now so glad i completed the full course of chemo. It’s worth it.
Best wishes Chris xx