—christmas —I love christmas and go way overboard every year with decorations, food and prezzies, went to church yedterday to see my kids sing with their school choirs and it was awful! I bit my lip all through coz i kept getting emotional and my eyes kept filling up. i know every mum sheds a tear when they see their kids perform but i just kept thinking " will i be here to see the baby (2 yr old) doing his school plays? I know i shouldnt worry about things that havent happened but i cant seem to get past it.
I worry awfully about how much i run the home and organise christmas etc. and how will they cope if im not always around- though i’ll do everything in my power to be here for them.
Then i feel so angry, that my future has been taken! even if i survive long term i cant plan a future and look forward to being a grandma- its just too painful and everythings so uncertain.
I guess as much as i love christmas, i hate this bloody disease a whole lot more.
anyway i am sure when i see my little ones on christmas morning i will be full of it, i am here now so i will damn well enjoy it one way or another!

Lynne I know just how you feel. I really enjoy getting ready for Christmas, but there is always a nagging little voice in my head saying ‘I wonder if this the last one?’ I still do stockings for my children (23 and 21!) and the other day I asked my husband if he would do them if I wasn’t around. He hates it when I say things like that, but I can’t help it. He said he probably would.

Still, let’s enjoy what we have and keep our fingers and toes crossed for many more Christmases to come!

Best wishes, nj

emotional You can’t help thinking about all the ‘what if’s’ at this time of year can you? It’s all so emotional.

During the devastating time of diagnosis the song of the moment for my husband and 13 year old daughter was ‘Fix You’ by Coldplay. They wanted to fix me and so associated that song with me. I actually couln’t listen to it at the time.

Well lo and behold it was one of the songs that the choir teacher chose for the Christmas carol concert that my daughter was in last night. Before singing it she just looked over to me and smiled. They sang it so beautifully and I was consumed with emotion. I’m welling up now just writing about it.

Before we know it, it’ll be next Christmas and we’ll still be here.

Sounds like it’s going to be a wonderful riot in your house Lynnemarie!

Love Zeb

— i agree — Does anyone else have problems going round supermarkets when the music is playing??? I feel so embarrassed standing at the check out with my eyes brimming over.

NJ my daughter is 26 and I still treat her as I did when she was little with regard to Christmas… I pray that she will meet someone and have a little one of her own before anything happens to me, so that I know she can enjoy Christmas and life will have a meaning for her.

Oh, dear - all weepy now.

So on a high note - Merry Christmas everyone and a year ahead of newly discovered drugs and health and happiness for us all, so that we can post here again NEXT year. Love and hugs to you all.

Joy xxx

Services over Christmas Hello all
I would just like to say that we are aware that Christmas is a particularly difficult time and want to let you know that the forums will be running as usual over the Christmas period. The helpline will be available up to Friday 23rd and then from Wednesday 28th on 0808 800 6000 and the Ask the Nurse service is also available up to 23rd and from the 28th, each Thursday there is also the Live Chat at 8pm which you can access from the front page of the website.
Best wishes
BCC Host

—thank you — for running the forums over Christmas for those people who may need them. It is such a terribly depressing time for many people, enhanced by seeing such happiness all around them.

Joy x