Confused

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Hi everyone, I’m new here, but really need some help.

My Mum has just had treatment for breast cancer. She was diagnosed in summer. She opted for a full reconstruction using her back muscle and has been having chemotherapy which ended about 2 months ago.

It has been a really tough time for her, and the rest of the family as we watched her fall into big holes, and then climb back out again. She’s naturally battling with her insecurities, i.e not having any hair, having a weird nipple-less boob and everything else… but as far as we can, my family have done everything to make this easier on her. She had only one or two lymph nodes infected, so she had the best chance of fighting this.

I am her daughter, just turned 22 and I also have two younger siblings. I am quite close to my Mum and we talk a lot, especially about what’s going on.

2 weekends ago she told me she’s noticed some changes, like pain in her breast, a lump in her armpit and she’s worried. I told her straight away to go to see her doctor and get it checked because she cannot be too careful. She shrugged me off and I thought nothing else of it- she’s a stubborn mare so I left her to it.

About a week ago though we were talking and she started moaning at me about how terrible everything is. She told me that she feels as though she’s been totally un-looked after by us as a family.

She then said that the reason she’s not going to the doctors about her concerns is because she cannot face something going wrong again and she just wants a normal life.
She said if her cancer had secondaries… she’d have nothing to live for.

I’m heartbroken to think that my own mother doesn’t feel her family, friends, job etc are anything to live for, nor that we’ve done anything for her.

I have tried to explain to her how hard this is for us all as well, but she is so wrapped up she can’t see it. I also told her that if something is wrong- how would she feel knowing she COULD have done something about it???

But she’s not having any of it, and got upset with me for bringing it up.

What can I do? She needs to go and get sorted, it might be nothing but if it’s something then there’s no point in waiting to deal with it… I’m worried about pushing her in case it damages our relationship but I feel guilty doing nothing.

Sorry for rambling, any advice would be great

Thanks

musicandchocolate

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Hi musicandchocolate,

Welcome to the BCC discussion forums, you’ve come to the right place for support. While you’re waiting for your fellow forum users to bring you some much needed support - which I am sure they will - do give the helpline here a call and have a chat with one of the staff who will be only too happy to talk to you about the situation you are in. Calls to the helpline are free, 0808 800 6000, open weekdays 9 - 5 and Saturdays 9 - 2.

Take care. Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator

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Hi!

This is a really difficult problem for you, and you obviously so want the best for your Mum, but it is her life and she has to make the decision about what to do. I think many women after having very unpleasant treatments really feel they can’t face going through it all over again. Of course most of them do go and get things checked out and if they have to face having secondaries somehow seem to cope and get on with it. You can only show your Mother that you love and care for her and wait for her to decide what to do. Very tough for you though.

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Hi Redders…

Thanks for your reply.

I understand fully that this is my Mum’s life, and she needs to do things her own way. She is scared, upset and fed up. Is it too much to ask that she stops to remember how hard this is for us as well?

We are all working so hard to keep her going, and to hold out own lives together. I don’t live at home, I work full time and yet I have managed to give up a lot of my spare time to help her out when she needs it. I’m not expecting her to stop feeling the way she does and magically get better… I don’t even expect her to be “brave”

There is no bravery in this, just resilience, and that’s something my mother has in bucketloads. She is the strongest woman I know, and it’s horrible to see her this way and to hear her announce she has nothing left to live for. She’s my idol and it scares me to think she can just give up.

All I want is for her to do the best for herself, and in doing so remember she’s doing it for us as a family as well.

It’s a massive role reversal- I feel like I’m playing parent, and i’m sure I listen to my Mum a hell of a lot more than she’s listening to me right now!

Has anyone else had experiences like this? On both sides?

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Hi
your mum could be suffering with depression I am sure she didn’t mean her remark about having nothing to live for. Is she in contact with a breast cancer nurse? Maybe she could ring her for a chat. I am still in contact with mine and it will be 10 years in July and I live the other end of the country now, but she is still there to help. It is very important that she has it checked out. I fully understand the fear of ‘if it is secondaries’ but for her own peace of mind she needs to get it checked.
Good luck and maybe if you haven’t already contacted the helpline now is the time.
Love Debsxxx

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Hi Debs, thanks

As far as I know she didn’t get on very well with her Breast Cancer Nurse, and isn’t fond of her doctor or consultant either. We both know she needs to get it looked at, for peace of mind etc… but she’s refusing.

When I spoke to her about it, she got really upset and told me she would stop talking to me if I kept on at her.

I am seeing her again this weekend so will mention it to her again. I just really hope she can start seeing this from a different perspective. I know this is a really tough thing for anyone to go through, I just end up feeling really guilty and like it’s somehow my responbility to get her to wake up, get a grip and get her health sorted.

Thanks guys

Music

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I do relate to your comment about: It’s a massive role reversal- I feel like I’m playing parent, and I’m sure I listen to my Mum a hell of a lot more than she’s listening to me right now!

I saw my strong confident mum change over night; I then stepped up and took over. This was over 12 years ago when she was first diagnosed with cancer. When treatment finished and mum felt back to her old self I stepped down and my mum went back to being the strong women that I knew. The last two years I have seen my mum change back to scared vulnerable mum that I find so hard to recognize. It’s hard for us but no where hard as it must be for them. To lose control (which is how my mums feels) is her worst nightmare. Who knows how we would face the same situation? All you can do is tell her options gently, but she does need to know that the longer she leaves it the harder it becomes to slow the cancer down (if that is what has come back). Also tell her about these wonderful women here, who are still getting on with their lives. Also remind her that if it was her loved one who needed treatment I bet she would want them to get all the help that was available.
Good luck
LouiseX