Control Freak needs to let off steam.

Hi all
I’m not sure if this is the right place for this, but I need to let of a bit of steam. I’m currently waiting for my bc nurse to call me so that I can go and have a chat…but I just seem to have so much on my mind at the mo, I feel like crying all of the time and it’s getting on my nerves.
I think that I decided a while ago that I wouldn’t have a recon for various reasons, the main reason being that I really don’t want any more surgery,(pathetic I know). Any way I have worked hard on my self image and focusing on the ‘good’ bits of me etc, you know done all the self talk and ‘at least I’m alive’ thing!
I guess that my problem with life, let alone BC has always been if I have felt a lack of control. Yes, I discovered very early on…just about DX time, that I am or was a control freak. Being a mother of three and very happily married I found this hard to swallow, as most of mums and wives and partners have to be flexible and able to compromise, don’t we. Well there I was, as we all were once, having to accept that actually this really is something that I have no control over; and I did not and still do not like it.
I recently ( about six months ago) had a stick on prosthesis fitted. I really liked it at first but have found that the stickyness is not very good on the concaved part of the mastectomy…I have spoken to the nurse and the manufacturer and have been very careful about how I wash it etc. etc. but for some reason (out of my control) it just doesn’t always stick on properly. So, I turned this into a positive thing and decided to wear my other one(non stick on) for most of the time(like an old faithful bra in the old days)and wear the stick on for going out etc. Now, my remaining boob has started to hang differently…it’s an age thing…it may have even shrunk a bit, but whatever, and I’m not looking for an answer here, it hangs either smaller but moor droopy than the stick on and doesn’t really match the other one any more. Actually I think the main problem with the other one is also the concave bit, so I will mention that to the nurse.
In addition to my out of control boob life, we have taken the decision to sell our business. There a various reasons for this and one is to aim to be as mortgage free as possible and we will be downsizing and taking a long needed rest and holiday. The trouble here is this; our business is a little village shop and we have built it up and ran it succeessfully for 8 years, but some of the ‘old school’ lot are not happy that we want to change direction and some of them have been quite hurtful. We have seen a house in the village that is way over priced and were hoping that the vender would come down a bit, but the world is too greedy and it looks like it won’t happen. So lord knows what we’ll do or where we’ll be.
To top my out of control life, my daughter has just announced that she is in a relationship with another girl. I am NOT homophobic and really want her to be happy with what ever she does in her life, she is our only daughter and our first child and be it wrong or not I had dreams and romantic ideas about her future. We are very close and we have talked in depth, even to the point of me asking her the dumb question of ‘are you sure’…oh dear…I mean if she had announced that she had a boyfriend I would not have asked if she was sure that she was hetrosexual! I am so mixed up as I feel ashamed of myself that now it is my daughter I feel upset, yet really I do not disapprove and get on very well with her girlfriend. I feel guily for feeling upset and long for my old life back when I was just a normal woman.
Sorry I’ve babbled, now my daughter has just come in and I really have to go. Sorry.
Take care,

Hi Scarlet

Firstly, you don’t need to apologise for letting off steam, we all need to do it and it’s safer here than a lot of places.

I don’t know how long ago you were dx and where you are in treatment but first of all, whatever you are feeling now is valid.

We all need stability in our lives and having bc certainly upsets everything.

I was told about a technique called Shut up and move on (SUMO). Google this and you will find the website of the author. He came up with some questions that I found very useful.

You need to do whatever is right for you, to a certain extent, you have to ignore what other people think/feel about your proposals however much you want to please everybody. If people mean something to you, listen to them and judge how much you need to take on board, if they don’t mean anything to you, try and let their comments go over your head.

You need to do whatever it takes to get settled and happy and you can’t worry about everything and everybody. This is easier said than done but please remember you are just as important as anybody else and your needs are just as valid.


whatever you feel is perfectly valid, in many ways submitting to further surgery is exposing yourself to further risk of possible complications, not being happy with the results etc. You have too much on your plate at the moment, a major change in career, a move to a new house and a daughter announcing that she is gay. Any one of these things even without a cancer diagnosis would be disruptive.

I have a gay friend who some years ago introduced me to her partner. They have now been together for at least twenty years. My friend was upset when I made some remarks about lesbianism that she found upsetting and i did have to confront my own prejudices and fears because I knew I was being unfair to her by continuing them. As long as people love and respect each other that is all you can hope for. Children have minds of their own and they have to find happiness wherever they can. My friends now have a child together who is about ten years old, and he lives in a stable loving home.


Hi Scarlet

I think you are being really open and honest about your mixed up feelings about your daughter coming out. I’m a 59 year old lesbian and I never had the courage to tell my mother. Times have changed a lot since I was a young woman…when even the word ‘lesbian’ was forbidden and scary. But the legacy of those years and years of prejudice about gay people still lingrs on and none of us (gay or straight) has yet completely shaken off the impact of a homophobic world (and look at the Chruch of England for example…still utterly divided in its prejudice.)

Keep talking with your daughter…she wouldn’t have told you if she hadn’t known that you would be basically OK about it.

Oh and by the way some lesbians feel they always ‘knew’ they were lesbian and others swap and change. I have been a happy hetersexual in my time though in thinking of my life wish it had been eaiser to be a lesbian when I was a teenager. Others of my lesbian freinds have stuck with women all their lives

very best wishes and pm me if you want to ask any ‘silly’ questions. There is a good organisation for parents of lesbians and gay men but can’t remember its name right now. (Talking openly and realistically about being lesbian was my favourite hobby before I discovered breast cancer!)

best wishes


Hi all
Thakyou for your comments and sorry I haven’t been online for a bit. Just to add to my exciting existance, we found out last Friday that my 77 year old mum was attacked and verbally abused by three CHILDREN!!! They were aged between NINE and TWELVE and the eldest one thumped her in the back, they also threw stones at her and called her appalling names. We went straight over and brought her home with us, my poor long suffering husband is so lovely and supportive…I have so much guilt at the mo. Any way we’re trying to get her a house or sheltered accommodation near to us and out of London.
My daughter is extremely happy and we have seen such a positive change in her in the last two weeks, her girlfriend is lovely and even mum said they make a wonderful couple…so that part of my life is much better than when I last posted. Thank you Jane for you comments and yes I will pm you if I can work out how to!!!never have been brilliant on computers. My daughter said the nicest thing,that she was so happy and felt so lucky to be in this family…it really made me feel emotional. I still have the odd moment when I feel sad, I guess that somewhere in side me I wanted thing to be different and that’s why I feel guilty and bad. She graduated on Tuesday and it was lovely day, we were so proud…yet I caught myself thinking, as the students went accross stage "is she gay? is he gay? pathetic I know…but I’m sure I will get used to it. Any way thanks again for your comments and I’ll post again soon.
Scarlet, xx

Hi Scarlet,

I can see no reason for you feeling guilty about your wanting things to be different for your daughter. You have done marvellously! Your daughter’s delight in being part of your family is ample proof of this.

I think perhaps we all want better for our children and our ‘better’ tends to be in a more conventional sense. At the same time we want most of all for our children to be happy.

Your daughter is happy and I am sure that your love and acceptance have played a huge part in this. She is very fortunate in having you for her mum.

I was moved by your mums comment on them being a wonderful couple, she must be a lovely lady. I am so sorry about the attack she suffered and hope that her rehousing turns out well.