Hi Ladies, Please could any of you provide any partical help in the deailng my two year old boy.
In August I was diagnosed and had a WLE at the beginning of the month and since then my son behaviour as going from bad to worse (Some of it is the terrible twos but not all of it). I am trying to maintain some type of normality for him but he has sensed that there is something wrong. I am sorting chemo shortly and any advice on coping would be greatly appreciated.
Regards
Hi Angela66
Small kids pick up on everything that’s going on with their mommies. My son will be three in December and acts up quite a lot when he’s worried about me or scared. He’s coming out of the terrible twos, but this age is a tough one. I was diagnosed in July and had a mastectomy at the beginning of August. I’ve tried to explain things to him in simple terms and do a lot of stories to explain what’s happening to me. He’s better when he has an understanding that I’m unwell but am seeing a doctor to make me better. If you look on this website there’s a really good book called “Mummy’s Lump” which is great for toddlers. I hate reading it, makes me cry inside, but the language is the right level for little ones.
I start chemo on Thursday so to prepare my son for what’s happening, my husband and I took him to the unit yesterday so he could see where his Mommie would be while doctors help to make her better. Luckily the chemo unit where I’m going is small and quiet so we were able to do that. Just let your son know enough that he understands that doctors are helping to make you better and hopefully he won’t be so afraid.
Keeping a normal routine is crucial in my experience. I’m arranging my chemo appointments to suit our normal schedule so my son won’t miss out on pre-school or any of the other things that he usually does.
Love,
Cat
All the best, and hope things get easier for you.
Hi Ang
As Cat has mentioned, Breast Cancer Care publishes a couple of useful publications which may help you when explaining things to your son. If you are interested, I have given below the link to our webpage which details how to order these:
breastcancercare.org.uk/content.php?page_id=12225
I do hope you find them useful.
Best wishes
Lucy
Cat,
Thanks for your suggestion, I will definitly look at “Mummy’s Lump” with my little one.
Angela
Hi Angela
My girls are 4 and 2. We told them Mummy had a sore breast and had to go to hospital for the Dr to make it better, and they understood this and that they couldn’t climb on me as before. “Mummy’s Lump” was first published just after my op, and I found it fantastically useful, particularly to explain my hairloss on chemo. I let them have fun with my wig and buffs, and feel my new hair growth which started during chemo. The book really helped them to feel that they weren’t the only children with a poorly mummy.
We have kept everything normal as poss for them, so that it has as little impact as possible on them.
The eldest seems to have taken it in her stride, but my 2 year old has been having problems sleeping, she goes to sleep fine but wakes up in the night and needs to be comforted, always calling for me although whilst I am in the bad part of the side effects of chemo it’s my husband who goes to her. It may have happened anyway, but she’s sure to be reacting to what’s happening. She’s become a bit clingy too, and has had more tantrums than her sister did at her age, but she has always been the more feisty of them.
On a practical note, I would say accept all help offered. It is tiring enough looking after young children at the best of times, without chemo to contend with. Maybe your health visitor can make some suggestions for your particular situation?
In 2 weeks I have to leave them for 5 weeks to go to mainland UK (we live on an Island) for radiotherapy and that will be really tough on my family and me.
Good luck and let us kow how you get on.
Hugs
Kinden
x
Kinden
Sounds so tough that you’ll be apart from your family while you have radiotherapy. I hope it all goes well for all of you. You’re totally right, accept all help that’s offered that works with what you need.
Thanks Kinden,
I hope that your radiotherapy going well for you…
I have never mentioned this but I like to think of myself as being self-relient and I find it hard to accept offers of help. I am slowly learning to accept offers.
Regards
Angela
Angela,
I am still rubbish at asking for help - I keep being told off by everyone - esp as I also have a special needs 1 year old and 2 year old with a strong sense of self! I can do it all! Which is a load of rubbish, but am lucky that my friends ignore me and help me!
I was honest with my 2 yo - I showed her my mx scar straight away and she thought it was quite cool - she made me feel really lovely. She didn’t even notice or comment whn I cut/shaved my hair and she is child that notices everything!
My view was that this horrible event was part of my life, and my 2yo needed to know I wasn’t well. I do not believe in hiding it from from her. Going to hospital is nothing to fear, it is a place that is making me better! Children are amazing, she took in her stride.
Goodluck for rads - it’s a doddle, esp compared to chemo, use the time away to read and sleep.
k
My friend suggested a really good way to help my son come to terms with my mx scar. She said that the doctor took the sore boobie away and gave me a smile instead. Might be another way of letting you kids understand what’s happening in a non-scary way.
Hi Cat - I love that description.
Luckily I have a 4 year year old and she came in after the op - asked if the doctors had cut my boobs off yet and could she see. My 2 year old son takes his lead from her and looked too. Sorted. They have been briliiant though need reminding. We have been very firm about keeping normal routines as much as possible. After my first chemo I could not move for nausea but my husband was brilliant and coped with them alone. Prior to all this we had a very traditional marriage model and I was responsible for all that so a massive change. Keeping the routine has been the key and the age of my children has meant that they seem to just have accepted this change in their lives. I fund the book ‘Mummy’s Lump’ brilliant. We are honest with the children and just give simple facts using the language in the book like ‘bad lump’. The children know the medicine I am having now makes me feel unwell but is making me better from the lump that was taken away. They know that I will lose my hair and Jennifer asked if that meant I had nits as this was the solution of one Mummy at her nursery last year to their child’s infestation. She loved it when I went hat shopping the other day and had to try them all on!
The children are a godsend in a way - though utterly draining of energy sometimes 
My friends have taken them out now and again and that has been both hard to accept but a wonderful break for me so that I could rest and have some quiet time. My husband has also taken them out sometimes without me for a rest. I am coming round to accepting help instead of trying to be a wonder woman.
I do feel for you spending so long away from the children for the rads Angela - make the most of the rest though
Lots of love
Tanya x
Nits!!! Now there’s an idea. Have to say, with my senstitive scalp and my husband peering away, that’s what it feels like sometimes.
So glad your husband is a help, Angela, it makes a difference. We keep the language simple, too, and tell Nathaniel everything that happens so he’s not afraid of some great big unknown.
To all you young mums out there, I just want to say how much I admire you for how you’re coping. I’ve said on this site a few times how great you all are, and I really mean it. Any kind of illness is hard when you’ve got young children, even a common cold, but cancer, with the lengthy chemos, surgery, rads, meds etc, man, it’s tough.
Since dx in 05, I’ve counted my blessings no end of times that at least I’ve raised my two sons and been able to bond with three grandchildren: I just hope you are all able to do the same
Good luck to us all, especially you young mums.
Maureen xx
Hi All
I had a left mastectomy with immediate free tram reconstruction and axillary clearance 3 weeks ago. I spent 5 days in hospital, celebrated my 40th birthday while in there, and am recovering well at home. I read Mummys Lump to my two kids, 8 and 4, a week before I went into hospital. Before that I had kept talk very light just saying that mummy had a bad lump in her boob, and that the doctors needed to check it and make it better. They love the book and want to read it all the time, my 8 year old son often sits and reads it to his 4 year old sister! They coped quite well while I was in hospital, I found the first day home was difficult , but all settling down again. We have no family here, but friends have been really helpful picking kids up from school etc. My 4 year old will be devastated when this is all over and she has to come home after school instead of going to play at a friends house!
My husband has being trying very hard to keep everything going in the house, shopping, cooking, housework,etc but men just cannot multi-task like us women can!
He is back at work now, and I am starting to feel a bit isolated, but I have my first oncologist appointment later today, so I have chemotherapy to look forward to! Any advice or words of wisdom on coping will be welcome!
Anne x
Hi Annie - there is a great thread on tips for chemotherapy - I have started last week and the tips have been invaluable - it usually seems to sit near the top of the discussion list - will find it and bump it up
Best wishes and good luck with it all
Tanya x
Hi Angela.
I was diagnosed when i was 6mnths pregnant.My baby is now 6mnths old and have other children ages 12,11and 7.I have had chemo and last month had a bilateral mastectomy.I found keeping everything as normal for my children helped them and me especially on the really difficult days.I dont like asking for help in fact i hate doing it and im really terrible at it,it was my sister that made the request for help for me as she knew i would have struggled on regardless.After my fourth chemo my sis made call and I am really grateful that my sister did as i couldnt get out of bed and could understand why people gave up on treatment.Feeling like that shocked me as i am a fighter and plod on no matter what. I get tremendous support from my health visitor,doctor,macmillan nurse and the social work arranged home help for me as well.I still struggle accepting the help as im a very independant person but everyone are great and if i find it all too much i just have to tell them and they work with what i want and my feelings.Homehelp was hard to accept so i agreed to just a couple of hours a week basically just to keep everyone happy.lol.even that is a help and i still feel like mum i just keep telling myself that because of the help i have more energy and use it all on the kids.mind you my partner gives me a row for running round tiding up before she comes.lol.I know its one of the hardest things to do but try to accept any help its amazing how you suddenly feel you are not alone and even that is a huge help.
wishing you all the best
Michelle.xxxx
Hearing about those of you who find accepting help difficult makes me smile about how good I’m getting at letting people help… I wonder sometimes how i might repay people. Iv been so busy in the last four years working and studying that I’m really humbled by how far people in my community are prepared to put themselves out to help me. Its certainly made me and my OH think about how we might be better friends/relatives in the future. iv had dinners and cakes dropped outside my front door and the kids whisked away for sleepovers. I agree with what others have said… my five and ten year old have started asking me ‘whats the plan for the weekend mum?’ and I swear they are totally unimpressed to be spending it with me!!! only joking, but they have had a ball in recent months gallivanting here and there.
I totally agree with maintaining routines and was really grateful that my surgery and chemo is during school term time so that they can get off to school and not notice all the ‘resting’ I do.
On a serious note, I cried in front of my kids on my diagnosis day, which i don’t feel brilliant about, and broke the news in a fairly unplanned, unthought through way… but I was in such a state of shock i just wasn’t thinking… On reflection now, I don’t think it has done too much damage. My adjustment has been good and they’ve seen me cope well I think. We’ve read mummys lump loads together and whenever my little one asks questions, I answer and then ask if he wants to read the book again. Often he says yes.
He also walked into the hospital and shouted at the top of his voice ’ which one did they chop off mummy? which certainly lightened the mood… He has a cherub face and spiral curls… the boy can say anything and look cute!!
Anyway that’s enough from me… I suppose I’m thinking about the impact of this for my kids more than I realised…
xxx
ps annie good luck for the start of chemo. Iv only been zapped once… long way to go.
I remember when i told my kids when i was diagnosed i watched my eldest 2 cry which broke my heart.I swore from that day on no matter how ill or down i was feeling they were not going to see it.I always had a smile for them and i found making light of things helped them to carry on as they normally did.when my urine turned red from one of the chemos i made joke of it then they all wanted to see.lol.I used to make jokes about my hair falling out which helped them cope with it they did complain when they kept pulling hair out of thier food though.lol.when it came to having last of hair off they wanted to watch and wanted a go each with clippers.im not that brave though.lol.i was crying inside but told them anymore cheek from them they would get the same look which made them laugh.lol.now my 7 year old wants to show off my scars after my mastectomy to everyone telling them ive had my boobs chopped off.lol.there has been no differance in my lot and they have carried on as normal and i am so proud of them.If it wasnt for kids i would have went to pieces but because i wanted to protect them from that i kept a smile for them which in turn helped me.
its hard work keeping things normal but i know it doesnt matter how much im hurt or angry on inside when i look at my kids i know hard work is all worth while and i keep on smiling.
my thoughts are all with you and your children.xxx
Mich you sound really brave talking about how much youve protected your kids. Maternal instinct to protect is so strong isn’t it? I found your post really moving, xxx
Thankyou Carmel your right maternal instinct to protect is so strong it can over power almost anything most days bravery has just been on outside been a wreck inside.I hope chemo isnt knocking you out too much and you are trying to rest as much as you can.xxx
Annie i hope all goes well with you and your feeling abit better.My partner went away to work today for two weeks am missing him already.Im back to doing housework though get things my way again without him telling me off!lol.Hes an angel and really has tried his best but still got alot of training to go to do things my way.lol.Hes the biggest kid in the house!lol.Im planning to phone friends round for catchup coffee its amazing how an hour with a friend helps when your feeling isolated.xxx
Thinking of you all.Michelle.xxx