hi
is anyone having counselling with their other half? i have been married 2 years and out marriage is now really affected by what has happened. my oh is always working and when he is off he says he needs his space, he does not take time off after my treatment for the 2-3 ‘low days’ and this really frustrates me as i feel he should want to be with me, he is freelance so keeps on going on about how self employed you cant not work as you dont get paid which i understand but i am not expecting him to take the 6 months off just the days when he should be here for support. my mum is always around but this causes a rift with my oh as he says she is too controlling
i am halfway through the treatment and feel i should be fighting to get better not fighting with my oh
Hi Billia
I haven’t ever been to counselling so can’t help you there. But I have been on this forum for over 3 years and I do know that problems with partners is a regularly recurring theme. I think that sometimes it is harder for the OH to cope with. All of the attention is focused on you, some men will be jealous of that and can’t understand their own feelings, others feel that they want normality hence the wanting to work as much as possible and others will feel distressed and helpless, possible worried for the future. There are a multitude of feelings associated with all of this! I have mentioned the above specifically because my husband has experienced all of the above and regularly rotates his feelings and actions around!
I recently posted: ‘I can’t cope with my husband not coping’ because it had got to the point that it was bringing me down to. We haven’t gone to counselling yet, his mood has lifted a bit and things are gradually improving. However I wouldn’t discount it in the future, if things went back to how they were a couple of weeks ago.
I really do feel for you, and your husband too it is difficult for him too in different ways. You mention needing him for your ‘low days’ can you use some friends to help out. My husband actually wanted to be there with me during treatments (often on the internet on his phone!!!but there in body!) often I would have liked friends to be there instead to gossip with etc! and lots did make the offer! Ask around you may find you have lots of friends just waiting to be asked!
Take care and I hope that you manage to sort things out, use this forum to rant your frustrations if it helps!
Hi Billia
I can really sympathise with you. I have been with my partner for just over 2 years and 3 weeks ago he decided to move out as he needs his space (and also has problems with his own children) I think dealing with the cancer ontop of his family problems has finally pushed him to crack. I am absolutely devasted and have never felt so alone! like you, my mum is always around to help but i would love nothing more than to have a “normal” relationship with my OH. We still love each other but “apparently” we cant live together right now - which doesnt help me at all!
I actually started counselling on my own on friday, trying to get my head round everything thats happening - as if the cancer isnt enough to deal with…
really hope yours works out better than mine has - keep talking!
deed
x
Hi Billia,
I have put for you below the link to BCC’s publication ‘In it together’ which I hope you and your partner may find helpful.
Take care,
Jo, Facilitator
thanks all for your comments and advise, reassuring to know i am not alone but its so tough going through all this and having relationship problems and arguing daily and tension in the air all the time, agree with you Nicky about the jealousy side as all attention on me and he feels shut out and just wants normality but has to realise the situation is not normal
lets hope counselling helps!
B x
I know my OH extremely well , we married when I was 18 and we´ve been married for 40 years , but he found my dx very hard to take . I tend to deal with things myself and find it difficult to allow others to help me ,so it was really difficult for him . He really did´nt know what to do for the best .
Men find it hard to talk about their feelings and about how frightened they are that their OH has BC . Unfortunately we are not in a place where we have much help and comfort to give , especially if like deed you have young children then your focus is on them and in getting yourself through the treatment and out the other side .You want someone to be there , strong and coping for you , but sometimes they just cannot be that person , it´s sad , but sometimes it´s best as Nicky says if you can reach out to a good friend . However it´s unfair of him to be jealous of the time you spend with your mother , you have to have someone there for you , and a girls best friend is always her mum .
Being self employed then of course there is always the problem of work coming before the family , I do understand that , but if he cannot give you the support you need then he should be really happy that your mum can .
Difficult times , I could have slaughtered mine at times when i was tired and washed out from travelling evrey day by bus for rads , however , I do think that was proberbly more my hormones than anything else . There wwere definately times when had I had a knife in my hand he would have needed to move …quickly !!
I hope you manage to reslove your differences billa , hopefully when you get through this rubbish time things will return to normal withouot you feeling "let down " .
deed , I am so sorry for you , what a lousy thing to have happened .Why do men always quote …"needing space " when what they mean is they cannot cope and are going to have to cut and run .Keep your chin up , he may well reconsider , hopefully someone will explain "life " to him .
Kris
besides my oh hating me spending time with mum (even though he is working!) he says i need more hobbies and interests, i used to have a very active job which i am not returning to until the treatment is over as i cant face it and am v tired all the time. we have no children and my life way my job
what do people do everyday that have no hobbies or children?!!! i need a hobby but am disinterested in everything at the moment - what a whinging person i am!!
Hi billa
just read through some of your posts. I too had a very active job and although I have two children they are at school and have playgroups etc. Also my friends all work so I have found it hard to fill my time. Swimming is good. The Macmillan nurses have organised some complementary therapies for me to go to. My mum has been great arranging shopping trips, lunches etc. Walking too to clear my head. I have also been doing some writing. Recording how I feel. Just putting it into words. My bcn suggested it when I was going through a bad patch so that I could get it out and then look back at it later. Hope you find something to take your mind off things, even for a short time. Dx
billia
I know where your coming from. Im going back to work on reduced hours on july 15th and although im very very nervous i also know it will do me the power of good and im hoping bring back some of my self confidence. I am used to doing things all day and now i sit here feeling sorry for myself and thinking how life has all gone wrong!!! (sad arent i?!) I joined a gym but finding the energy seems to be the problem - i even considered going to the gym, swiping my card and pretending i had been cause they are monitoring me - how sad is that?!! lol
daytime tv drives me insane but on a plus note, i have a vegetable garden for the first time in my life!!!
Billia, where are you in your treatment plan? Im seeing the ps on thursday and hoping for a day for reconstruction - will give me something to look forward too…
d
x
i too am fed up with ‘feeling sorry for myself’ but our lives have changed so much that i think we have a right to! people are so kind but i have no moitivation to meet up with them and then get annoyed if i do and they get on with their normal lives whilst i am still in my rut!
i am on my 4th EC on wed then 3 weeks later start on tax so nearly half way through, what worries me is the end of it all as oh thinks will be back to normal at work etc but i dont think anything will ever be normal after all this and i need to learn something and change my life from it but dont know what meant to learn or how to change life
annoying as no kids to focus on and the treatment will affect fertility as am 40 now
i would do the same with the gym by pretending to swipe card!!! lol!